Robert McNeil

Our columns are a platform for writers to express their opinions. They do not necessarily represent the views of The Herald.

Yay, it isn’t just me! A Fiat survey found nearly half of drivers have a phobia about parallel parking, and avoid the manoeuvre “at all costs”, driving up to 0.8 miles away to avoid it. That’s me! Mind you, where I learned, the instruction was: “See if you can get it in there, between the cow and the sea.”

My life is a disaster. Nowhere is this seen more starkly than when I go anywhere. Before recounting my latest nightmare, you need to understand my deeply held theological beliefs. To wit, there is a god but He hates us, or more particularly me. Religious friends used to say: “He hates you because you hate Him.”

Iron age is

Unbelievable. 

IT’S that time of year again: Christmas. It’s coming. Indeed it’s already here … in the shops. To be candid, Christmas coming early is almost as predictable annually as columnists complaining about Christmas coming early. But it has to be done. We must marshal the forces of decency and order to call out supermarkets displaying Xmas fare months before the controversial celebration. Everybody says it’s ridiculous, but the ostensibly cloth-eared stores persist in discombobulating the lieges, not least the little children, who have a poor concept of time. The point is that, even in the recent heatwave, some shameless punters must have been buying the mince pies, crackers, giant jars of Quality Street, or – ken – Celebrations, mulled wine, Buck’s fizz, Advocaat, cocaine, baubles, ribbons and wrapping paper. Otherwise, the profit-hungry chains wouldn’t be selling them. Who are these people? Let’s identify them so that we may point and laugh.  Well, according to top experts, it’s the financially astute spreading costs before future price rises, or lost souls still trying to make up for the muted Christmases of lockdown, or those who just can’t get the feeling of cheer early enough. Though I’ve some sympathy with the last named, none of these excuses is good enough, and arrests should be made. Evidently, then, as regards Christmas coming too early, it takes two to engage in lewd rhythmic gyrations.  But that doesn’t mean we should stop exerting moral pressure on greedy stores exploiting the sad and deranged. Nowadays, decent ratepayers take photies of the offending merchandise, and name and shame the stores online. Trouble is they’re nearly all at it: Tesco, Asda, Waitrose, Sainsbury’s, Morrisons, John Lewis and Selfridges have all been caught red-coated by the Christmas police, of which I am the PR department. In other Christmas news this week, John Lewis has swapped the UK agency that made its family-friendly Christmas ads for a French outfit called Megaforce, best known for making a “depraved” video featuring violence, sex, drugs and torture to promote a song called Bitch Better Have My Money by someone called Rihanna (no surname apparently). Somehow, this jolly ditty has passed me by. Nor indeed, as someone who participates in life as little as possible, have I seen any of the John Lewis adverts. However, the company says the old, reportedly heartwarming ads were “too safe”.  Presumably, it now wants to sex them up. Who will save Christmas from these people, with their premature ejaculations of merchandise and their presentation of decent ratepayers as “bitches” buying book tokens? We need an alliance of elves and men to save our once wholesome and righteous festival from John Lewis, Tesco and other grubby forces of Mordor.  I say “we”. Personally, as someone shunned by Santa, I have come to detest Christmas. But, if we must have it, let there at least be less of it.

The common or garden UFO is spherical and white or silver, but often translucent. Though most people can see through the phenomenon, yon Pentagon takes it seriously. Its summary of sightings says the typical UFO is 3-13 ft, suggesting the aliens are right wee or sitting in their craft individually like bairns in toy pedal cars. Dirty story Nearly two million people in the Democratic Aristocracy of Britain wash their towels just once a year, according to research. Men were mankiest  and Glasgow tied with Leicester for least hygienic city. So statistically, if you’re Glaswegian and male you’re a disgrace. Baldy truth Why did you not tell me there was a Mount Baldy in Los Angeles? It’s “named for its lack of tree cover”, I learn from a New York Times mini-crossword clue. The clue remained unfilled in for a while as I refused to believe the answer would be anything so insulting against our slaphead brethren. Beastly invasion The National Wildlife Management Centre says there’s a “real danger” of raccoons becoming the next invasive pest. Not their fault. The North American beasties were brought here illegally by exotic pet collectors. In Germany, they’re raiding hooses and stealing booze. If that happens here, it should be declared a national emergency. Agony ant Here’s another invader: pain-inflicting fire-ants. Every year, we’re warned about dangerous insects stravaiging hither to Britannia’s shores, though fortunately they’re mostly restricted to the south of England, which sounds like a hellhole. In the meantime, ’mon the insects. At least, unlike humans, or certainly the sensitive ones, they’re a fit for the ghastly planet Earth.

AS ever, your correspondent caught only the end of Scottish Questions, the biggest waste of time in western democracy.

MOST Scots know nothing about their country and couldn’t even point it out on a map. However, a few will have heard of Bonnie Prince Charlie, an important but rather mental figure in the country’s misty history.