DUNFERMLINE-BORN singer Barbara Dickson, touring next month to celebrate 40 years in the business, clearly had a typical Scottish music teacher in her youth. Barbara recalls the teacher once told her: "Barbara, you may not have the best voice, but you've certainly got the loudest."

Eyes down THE woman ordering up a giant meringue in Fifi and Ally's coffee shop in Glasgow was easily overheard as she told her pal: "So I just said to my boss, There's something I'd like to get off my chest.' "When he asked, What?' I told him, Your eyes'."

Out of the pan SHOWING that children do have a point at times, a mother tells us that she was talking about a burst pipe further down the road and how "raw sewage was flowing in the gutter". Her daughter piped up: "Raw sewage? Don't tell me people cook it?"

Route master A READER catching the Ayr bus in Glasgow was surprised when the driver pulled out from Buchanan bus station and asked: "Do we go left or right here?" As passengers laughed nervously he explained it was his first time on the run.

At that a pensioner shouted: "I'll help yae son," and moved down to sit on the top step while giving directions. Eventually, when the pensioner stood up to get off, he asked: "Can anyone else take over? And be careful at Fenwick, the road can be tricky there."

Being Glasgow, no-one thought this was odd or thought of getting off and waiting for a later bus. Apposite names, continued. John Duffy writes: "In the late 1970s, in the London borough of Wandsworth, I knew a social worker called Duguid."

Not born yesterday AND on the subject of misquotes, Weegie exile in Edinburgh Margaret Fowler remembers her daughter asking: "How old are you, granny" and being told by Margaret's mum: "Sweetheart, I'm as old as Methuselah."

This information was digested before the young girl asked: "But granny, how old is your thuselah?"

Old pros IF you thought the heavy drinking of rugby players had disappeared with the arrival of professionalism, then we should direct you to the autobiography of England player Richard Hill who made his international debut against Scotland.

After the game - England won 41-13 at Twickers - Hill writes that as the new boy he had to drink whichever drink he was given by every member of the squad, and ended up throwing up.

But he explains: "There have been worse performances.

Steve Ojomoh was in such a stupor by the time of the banquet that when he was publicly congratulated by the RFU president, Steve's neighbour had to lift up his hand to acknowledge him.

"Then there was Iain Balshaw who quite audibly relieved himself in a metal wine bucket during the speeches."

Ah, happy days.

Bum steer? REID Moffat entered a large city centre bookstore to seek out Dr Christopher Harvie's book on Scotland's poor transport infrastructure, Deep Fried Hillman Imp, and was directed to the vintage cars section.

But it does have a happy ending as the book, which advocates more rail investment, was, indeed, there.

Old habits A READER asks: Are you too shallow to mention the important American presidential primaries taking place?

Well, we did hear about Hillary Clinton being aghast to discover during a routine physical that she was pregnant. Furious at the disruption it would cause to her campaign, she phoned husband Bill and launched a tirade. "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks' pregnant and it is all your fault!"

There was silence at the other end of the phone until Bill eventually asked quietly: "Who is this?"