For months now I've felt a sense of disgruntlement at every new Tory talking point. Who is too lazy to recycle – even into seven bins – when the return is an attempt to protect the future of humanity?

Who is so busy they cannot leave a little earlier and drive a little more slowly? Who really wants to ship asylum-seeking people to Rwanda?

Are we all not affronted at the assumption we will be wooed by this pettiness? And yet the Conservative lunacy continues.

During the past few days of the Tory party conference those of us in possession of our senses have looked on with only one question in mind: are they tripping or are we?

Manchester Central has been oozing at the seams with unguent statements from politicians who seem to hold their interviewers and viewing public in complete contempt.

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Transport secretary Mark Harper gave a speech lifting directly from the online conspiracy theory The Great Reset, which posits that 15-minute cities are a cover for governments that want to control how people behave post-pandemic.

He said there will be places where residents can only drive down certain roads at certain times without being fined and that people will be limited in how many times they can go to the shops, which is, not to put too fine a point on it, nonsense.

Following hot on the heels of her boss claiming he was putting a stop to a whole raft of net zero measures no one had proposed, Energy Security and Net Zero Secretary Claire Coutinho raised eyebrows when she said the Tories are working against Labour, which is relaxed about introducing a meat tax.

She later claimed it was a "light moment" in her speech, which is a nice euphemism for "lie".

The continued rise in shoplifting is a sure reflection of Britain's straitened economic circumstance. Shoplifting tends to rise when the economy dips and shopkeepers – big and small – have complained about being treated as larders.

Creatively, John Lewis is offering free coffees to passing police officers with the logic that a panda car parked outside the store is a deterrent to thieves.

Even more creatively, the policing minister is urging members of the public to make citizen's arrests when they see shoplifting in supermarkets.

Chris Philp said shoppers – on those limited times they're allowed to go to the shops – must see it as their civic duty to help in the fight against shoplifting or else the issue will "just escalate". What's that, Chris? You want me to physically tackle a shoplifter or, let me just check I've picked you up correctly, a rise in the rate of theft will be my personal fault?

The Herald:

Sorry, mate, I've just popped out for a pint of milk. If I'm ever bitten by a radioactive spider I'll come back to you.

In case you think this is exaggeration or misunderstanding, here is the quote in full: "I would also just remind everyone that the wider public, including shop staff and security guards," Philp said, "do have the power of citizen’s arrest.

"Where it’s safe to do so I would encourage that to be used, because if you do just let people walk in and take stuff and walk out without proper challenge, including potentially a physical challenge, then it will just escalate."

This is a cabinet of madness. Monday's front pages were dominated with previews of Jeremy Hunt's conference speech in which he said there would be a crack down on those who are in receipt of benefits but who are not job hunting.

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What's that familiar sound? Ah yes, the old trope of "lazy benefit scroungers". We hadn't missed it but now it's back.

It's not all eccentricity, though. It's base cruelty too. Suella Braverman's racist speech called support for immigration a "luxury belief" and framed anti-racism and concern for asylum seekers as a culture war issue between "ordinary people" and a "politically correct elite".

With this callous disregard for humanity, it's no wonder Nigel Farage feels so welcome back in the fold.

The Conservative press have decided to stick with Rishi Sunak for now. The front pages of the right-leaning press were a curiously incurious promotion of Sunak's scrapping of HS2 and proposal to divert the money to a so-called Network North.

Just 24 hours after the announcement that £36 billion would be spent on rail and road infrastructure in the north of England, a commitment to reopen the Leamside Line had already been dropped.

This will likely be the start of a rapid crumble of the plan but the echo-chamber is ringing with positive endorsements of his ideas so he will push on. Theresa May famously said the Conservatives are viewed as the nasty party. Now they are the nasty party. The reason for all this is obvious. It is pre-election desperation. Rather than an outward-looking, invigorating plan, the Conservatives are turning back towards a dependable core, ensuring they turn out to vote so the party can shore up heartland seats and have a decent representation in parliament in a post-Sunak future. They are pandering to imaginary anxieties in order to do so.

It's the strategy of a party in retreat but on steroids. And hallucinogenics.

But as they exaggerate these Conservative tropes to a cartoonish level, what are the Tories telling the world about Britain?

They are saying that we are too insular to welcome migrants; that we are too selfish to make adjustments for the good of the environment; cruel in that we don't want to extend support from the state to those who need it; that we should be militant against crimes of desperation; that we should be paranoid against imaginary governmental control.

All of this, as well as being misanthropic and stupid and shameful, is embarrassing. It is depressing. It is offensive to those of us who do not recognise these traits in ourselves and our neighbours, who want to live in a country guided by decency and empathy.

They are making Britain look silly and small yet simultaneously dangerous and it is a shameful affront.