AUTHOR A L Kennedy, due to speak at the Wigtown Book Festival on Sunday, telephoned to say she had missed her train from Glasgow. Never mind, said the organisers, just take a taxi instead. A couple of hours later she phoned to say she was just going through Carlisle and would soon be there.

It was then the organisers had to explain that if she was in England then she was, in fact, heading to Wigton, a totally different place from Wigtown in Galloway, which she had already passed. So a quick U-turn and an hour later she was there, apologising profusely to book fans who were waiting patiently for her.

And, no, of course it wasn't a Glasgow taxi driver trying to inflate the fare.

Warm glow NOSTALGIA alert. Somehow we wandered into toilet graffiti, and Brian Cairnduff takes us way back by telling us: "Many centuries ago, when the Earth was young, I was a boy programmer for Templeton Carpets down at the Green. The facilities there were positively Victorian, with the old head-high, cast-iron, chain-operated cisterns.

"I still recall with a shudder the slogan scrawled on one cubicle wall - A swinging chain means a hot seat'."

Safety first MAYBE it's a Kilwinning thing, but Big Brother runner-up Mikey Hughes was speaking to students attending Kilmarnock College's More Choices, More Chances programme, which is aimed at developing their confidence and communications skills, when he was asked: "Whereabouts in Kilwinning do you stay?"

Replied Mikey: "I'm not telling you until you promise you're not going to come round and batter me."

Two times a lady OUR mention of Mafeking Villa, which may or may not have been named in honour of the siege of Mafeking, reminds Peter Edwards of when he lived in a house named Ladysmith in Ayrshire, built just after the siege of Ladysmith. He remembers his wife going into the local newsagents to order newspapers and, when asked her address, replied: "Ladysmith, Stevenston Road."

"Very well, Lady Smith," said the newsagent to the young teacher, "your newspapers will start on Monday."

Glass act FAVOURITE restaurant stories, continued. Stuart Cowan recalls a friend who, on his 18th birthday, and still at school, took a group of friends out of school for lunch in Larkhall where he ordered wine for the first time, given his birthday.

Stuart can still recall the lad staring at the wine list, then asking for "a bottle of your best Carafe, please".

Just the ticket THE sad death of film star Paul Newman reminds Roy Hay of Paul playing Billy the Kid in The Left-Handed Gun, possibly the only Hollywood Western to mention Ayrshire.

When Billy asked where a strangely-accented rancher came from, and was told Ayrshire, he replied: "That's a long way to push beef."

And Steven Thomson, from the Glasgay! festival, which is showing Paul's Cat on a Hot Tin Roof as part of a Tennessee Williams strand at the GFT, says they will mark Paul's passing by accepting a jar of Newman's sauce in return for a ticket to see the screening.

Rum doo READER John Murray recalls from a previous run on the banks when the question was asked: "What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker?"

The answer, of course, being: "A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari."

Timing WATCHMAKERS Ebel are offering a limited edition of 150 luxury Rangers Football Club watches, as modelled by Brazilian Gisele Bündchen, pictured, for a mere £6900 a piece.

Reaction of supporters on the Rangers fans' website included: Is this a wind-up - or is it battery operated? Should there not be a "1" at the front of the price? I'll wait till the £10 copies come out.

Bar humbug THE latest compilation of questions from the columns of Old Git magazine, entitled Do Bats Have Bollocks? includes from a reader in Dumfries: "If the Queen Vic in EastEnders is supposed to be the archetypal British pub, why does no-one ever swear, talk about football or mention EastEnders?"