It's not easy being a Partick Thistle fan, who now have to cope with a less-than-inspiring pink and grey change strip which was aired for the first time last night.

We don't think the fans are that enthused about it as we heard one declare: "As a season ticket holder, I get a fiver off if I buy one." He then added after a lengthy pause: "I'll see if they have a small lassies version for my granddaughter."

Vigour mortis A fortysomething Glasgow mum was intrigued when her widowed retired mum announced that she was going out on a date with a chap she was introduced to on an internet dating site who described himself as a "Youthful 70-year-old."

When daughter went round to find out how it went her mum told her: "I had to slap him a couple of times."

"What?" shrieked her daughter. "Was he being a bit frisky?"

"No," said her mother. "I'd to check a couple of times that he was still alive."

Bit late News from the Edinburgh Fringe, where American playwright Stuart Spencer almost missed the opening of his play Strange Bedfellows at the Pleasance after waking up in his New York home with blood on his pillow and two teeth marks in his head. "We've all been there," we hear you say, but no, Stuart went into his bathroom where a sick bat lay dying in his bath. So his departure was delayed while he had two injections for rabies.

A sensible precaution for three weeks in Edinburgh no doubt the mean-spirited among you might argue.

Gold standard We hear about a chap from Hamilton suggesting to his workmates in his East Kilbride office that they have a night out clubbing in his home town.

"How friendly are the local girls?" asked a dubious colleague.

"Great," he replied. "If you don't know their names just read it off their gold necklaces."

Control shriek A reader out with his family at the cinema the other day watched as the advertisements came on at the start of the show without the sound-track. As the audience watched in silence, a voice piped up from the back: "Has anyone got the remote?"

Sound idea Commentator Michael Max tried to interview speedway ace Carl Stonehewer after Glasgow Tigers beat Somerset Rebels by 12 points at Ashfield at the weekend, but couldn't get his radio microphone to work.

He tried giving it a good shake, switching it on and off, even replacing the batteries, but nothing worked. Every time he stuck the mike in Carl's face, no sound was heard as Carl's lips moved. The silence was only broken by a voice from the crowd bellowing: "Hey, Michael, gonnae get me wan of them for ma wife?"

Further sayings from office meetings. Ian Maclean in Bishopton recalls a manager declaring: "I've another arm up my sleeve."

And Martin Harris had a manager who described any new technology as "state of the ark."

No shop talk After our tales of professions who hide what they do at parties, dentist Gordon Cully tells us: "Dentists suffer the same problem. We are often asked to have a quick look at wisdom teeth etc. "I have a pal who studied five years of dentistry with me before embarking on five years of medicine. He says the only difference now is that conversation stops when he says he's a gynaecologist."

Mundane murderers A reader listened to the announcer on the television station More4 announce: "And now a programme about a controversial American serial killer" and he thinks to himself: "Has there ever been a non-controversial serial killer?"

Get with the beat Reader Lindsay McLean was at the Live at Loch Lomond music festival last weekend and spotted outside the beer tent a police officer in full black battle dress using a radio which was connected to headphones and a mic. The officer was then approached by a lurching drunk who asked: "Hey pal, that's some iPod you've got! Who are you listening to? The Police?"

Even the police officer had to laugh.