SIMON Fullarton in Ayrshire received an e-mail from British Airways on Thursday about its new operations at Heathrow which boasted: "At Terminal 5 everything has been streamlined and designed to make your journey through the terminal calm and relaxed. And this morning we saw all the planning fall into place."

Simon wonders if the last line should have read " fall on its face."

Richly deserved THE YOUNG woman ordering the large white wine on Friday took a large gulp before telling her pal: "That idiot boss of mine said I would get a pay rise when I earned it."

After another slurp she added: "If he thinks I'm going to wait that long, he's got another think coming." PROOF that we are being failed by our television providers comes from a Glasgow home where an eight-year-old was scanning the programmes on the telly while visiting her grandmother.

The little one finally announced: "Nana, you'll have to get a new TV. I've seen everything on this one."

Jet gag? CABIN crew continued. As long admirers of Australian plain speaking, we pass on to you this gem from Billy Stewart, who was flying from Melbourne to Sydney.

"The chief steward introduced the staff, and described the final stewardess as just out of rehab and on community service, having been continually arrested for working the red-light district.

"When she comes round with drinks, it is advisable to ensure that all your valuables are out of sight'."

He was joking, wasn't he?

Red letter day WE mentioned Radio Scotland's Iain Anderson getting fan mail from China as the show is available on the internet. One new admirer gave us an insight into Chinese protocol when she wrote: "I am thinking a lot on what would be the right way to call you - Dearest Iain Anderson, My Dear Iain, Repectable Iain Anderson, Greetings Iain Anderson.

"Being more formal would lack the close friendship for you from the deep heart of mine, whereas being more informal might lack the respectful feeling and make you not so used to it based on the Scottish culture's background."

So polite a nation, it's hard to believe they've invaded Tibet.

Smooth talker A READER tells us his mate has got a lot of making up to do with his girlfriend after she trapped him in an argument about how he seemed to spend a lot of time down the pub with his mates.

His mate concedes he could have perhaps worded it better when he replied: "You know I'd rather be with you than out enjoying myself."

Blue sky drinking PROOF that the Glesga banter doesn't travel well along the M8 comes from a bar in Edinburgh's Rose Street where a group of visiting real-ale fans from Glasgow spotted a beer from the Atlas Brewery at Kinlochleven called Nimbus. In an attempt to cheer up the sullen bar steward, one of them opined about the Nimbus: "Is it no' a bit cloudy?"

But the chap, possibly not a Latin or meteorological scholar, merely replied: "Looks awrite tae me, ken." A WEST end woman back from a sales conference in Germany tells us that a colleague from Liverpool went up to the hotel bar, returned with three glasses of wine and, with a puzzled air, complained that she only wanted one, but that's what the barman poured when she asked for "dry white wine".

Coolly received IT was poor even by Friday-night standards - the chap who went up to the comely woman in the bar and told her: "Fat penguin."

When, naturally, she asked what he was on about, he replied: "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."