Reader Bill Robertson points us to the February issue of Professional Engineering, the magazine of the Institution of Mechanical Engineers, which tells us: "The new Royal Navy aircraft carrier is to rely for its weapons handling on an automated system based on the baggage handling system used at Heathrow Terminal 5."

Well, that will make us all sleep soundly.

Oh eye? WE overhear a young lady tell her pal that she had phoned in sick the other week.

"I told my boss I had trouble with my eyes.

"When she asked for more details, I said I couldn't see myself coming into work."

Bow wow ow TONIGHT'S eagerly anticipated Celtic-Rangers clash on Setanta reminds us of the Old Firm fan who told his mates in the pub that his dog did somersaults when his team was on the box and the opposition scored.

"How many somersaults does it do?" asked a pal.

"Depends how hard I kick it," he replied.

Yin cushion GLASGOW-BASED television presenters Justin and Colin have gone through a civil ceremony to formalise their long-standing relationship.

The lads once told us that they were delighted that they had even made it into Billy Connolly's stage routine. He told audiences that Glasgow used to be famous for its hard men; now it was famous "for two poofs plumping up cushions".

Dry reply BORED with those automatic e-mail messages telling you that the recipient of your message is out of the office for a few days?

One reader was impressed to receive one the other day which read: "You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.

If I were in, you very likely would have received nothing at all."

Bookie rookie JOAN Morrison went into a betting shop for the first time in her life after being given a hot tip by text message for the Grand National by her former boss at Saga Radio, Norman Quirk.

Imagine her surprise when she was told no such horse was running. Joan stood her ground and argued that the tip was from a most reliable source, but the shop was adamant there wasn't a horse of that name. Eventually she showed them the text, which read: "Tip for today. Lunch Hour. Currently 12-1."

Definitely on side TO show that all Scottish football is not about million-pound wages and fast cars, a Partick Thistle fan was at the game against Stirling Albion last week when asylum seeker Pedram Ardalany came on as substitute and was introduced as "the first Iranian to play for Partick Thistle".

The fan then spotted Pedram after the game on the 61 bus to Sighthill.

"That's real Scottish football," he tells us.

Over-sleeper REAL Radio presenter Steve McKenna had his flight to Glasgow from Gatwick cancelled but, determined to get back, caught an overnight sleeper and was promised a wake-up call and breakfast.

He got neither, and instead found himself on a remote Glasgow Central platform with the train empty, the doors locked and the heating off.

His calls for help were finally answered by a ScotRail staff member who showed Steve that he was back in Scotland by immediately demanding to know what he thought he was doing on a locked train.

"IS it true" asks an excited caller, "that Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe has offered to become Ireland's taoiseach, promising an end to graft and corruption?"

Suspended sentences WE finally end the overcrowding in our mailbox with the last suggestions for books for prisoners, prompted by author J K Rowling's campaign to get the lags to read more. Readers suggest: Con with the Wind - the story of an inmate with a flatulence issue (Calum MacDonald). Conman the Prison Librarian (Chris Lawrie). You've Got Mailbags (Keith McClory). It's a Wonderful Knife (John Kelly). The Lifer's Pie (Bill Shepherd). A Brief History of Doing Time (Mike McMahon).