The discovery of long hairs snagged on a rock in the Indian state of Meghalaya has led to much excitement among scientists. The hope is that they come from a Yeti. I'm betting they belong to the last man on Earth who is holding out against the march of hair gel and other products feminising men towards extinction.

A line was crossed this week when Superdrug announced it is to stock a range of male make-up products, including "Guy-Liner" and "Manscara". Add the money about to be splashed on these to the £700m men already spend on gloop, and the diagnosis is clear. Metrosexual man is getting in over his pretty little gelled head.

When he's not worrying about open pores, the average male is joining women in front of the mirror to bemoan his shape. A poll by Men's Fitness magazine put the number who hate their bodies at seven out of 10. Presumably those seven saw the billboards featuring David Beckham advertising Armani skimpies. It's now de rigueur for male celebs to get their pecs out for the girls. If Daniel Craig doesn't better his last swimsuit shot in the new Bond film, I predict riots at cinemas.

What are we doing to the poor lambs? Spending hours in the bathroom and his wages at the make-up counter, new man needs help. Take it from the sex that knows: in the pursuit of the body beautiful, you are on a hiding to nothing. Not least because real women now long for nothing less than the return of real men.

It's all been a terrible mistake, a joke that went too far. No-one wants to journey back to the bad old days when men saw deodorant as the devil's work. Muttering a few words a week in lieu of conversation - usually some arrangement of the words "tea", "where's" and "my" - will no longer do. Girls like a bit of sensitivity and a sweet aroma. Not having the floor marked by dragging knuckles is endlessly pleasing. Give or take a few more years of training, we're almost there on the whole toilet up-toilet down question. But there are limits, and with make-up they have been reached.

An old joke once had it that the ideal woman was a brewery owning nymphomaniac. Here's the new truth. The ideal man is a builder who spends five minutes in the bathroom in the morning, has the charm of Clooney and the mind of Stephen Fry, and a fierce interest in stationery.

As for the possible Yeti, the outlook seems grim. Closer examination of the hairs revealed our boy to have had a bad case of split ends. An emergency team armed with conditioner is on its way.

PROOF that God loves a trier is demonstrated by the continued presence on newspaper pages of Abi Titmuss, former nurse, former girlfriend of John Leslie, current glamour puss. What a cv. If not for the Leslie liaison and the private sex tape, she could've been the next Mother Teresa. Abi is now reinventing herself as a lady of letters, with her latest book, The Secret Diaries of Abi Titmuss, available in desperate bookshops. While not admiring how she has her name, you have to hand it to Miss Titmuss for bouncing back from the brink. Good luck to her, or so I thought before learning of her next move - acting in BBC1's Hotel Babylon. Come on, love, there are limits.

I'M AMAZED Satnav has made it to number five on the top 10 gadgets we can't live without. I was once given a satellite navigation system. It was supposed to open up a brave new world of stress-free journeys. Some hope. The gizmo's last outing was to Nottingham, where after 15,000 trips round the city centre's one-way system, I screeched to a halt in front of a taxi, Sweeney-style, jumped out and paid the driver to lead me to my destination. If you could use a nearly-new satnav, try the motorway embankment anywhere between Nottingham and Glasgow.

EVEN though it has been hotter than the middle of a Pop-Tart of late, a depressing chill set in when thinking of the coming winter fuel bills. In all the pathetic excuses given by greedy energy companies to justify rising charges, not one highly-paid mouthpiece has had the courage to say they are raising prices because there's chuff all we can do about it.

With fuel poverty already a killer of old people, firms are banking no-one will notice a few more dying because they are terrified of switching on a second bar of the electric fire. If Gordon Brown wants to go from zero to hero in an instant, he should bring in a windfall tax on energy companies pronto.

POLICE have issued descriptions of the gang of seagulls who set upon a falcon at Glasgow Green last week. Apparently the avian yobs were wearing (sea)shell suits.