FESTIVAL director Geoff Ellis yesterday launched this year's programme for Scotland's musical extravaganza T in the Park and mentioned that indie band James would be appearing.

Poor Geoff then lamented the passing of the years by adding: "I stand at the edge of indie discos now, so I don't look like someone's dad coming to pick them up."

T in the dark IN more rock'n'roll tradition, though, Gary Lightbody of Snow Patrol said at the T in the Park launch that he had only hazy memories of the first time the band played there in 1997.

"It's the best festival in the world, certainly the drunkest," he declared. "I remember being naked at one point afterwards, or at least I think it was me."

Lamb chopped A NEW study of bird life in the Western Isles, funded by Scottish Natural Heritage, records unusual animal behaviour. A lamb at Balallan on Lewis was observed head-butting a golden eagle which had swooped towards it, and the eagle thought twice and flew away.

What's not recorded is why a lamb from Glasgow was on Lewis in the first place.

Not a prayer IT has always been tricky for Scots communicating with those whose native tongue is different to their own.

Reader Tom Bradshaw, from Bellshill, was in a shop in famous pilgrimage town Lourdes in France, where a wee Glasgow wummin was attempting to ascertain the price of rosary beads.

Her question: "Whit dae these come in at, hen?" appeared to confuse the shopkeeper somewhat.

Sledge fund IT'S only the first green shoots of recovery, as government ministers would say, but it appears our poor down-trodden financial wizards may be getting their sense of humour back.

Financial risk consultants JC Rathbone Associates write in their newsletter to clients that the latest survey from the CBI will be grim, and adds: "As the period of the survey includes the snowfall at the beginning of the month, sales of toboggans are hardly likely to make up for its impact on the rest of the economy."

Well, it's a start.

Cracking up JIM McCrudden in Dublin was watching a local TV news station where it was reported that one of Ireland's largest construction companies had accused a supplier of delivering substandard materials which led to 700 houses developing cracks.

Jim praises the newsreader for saying, without a hint of a smile, that the "supplier denied the allegation, and said it was entirely without foundation".

Playing a Joe-ker READER David Brownlee receives a letter from his pension fund manager about the rapidly diminishing value of it.

It was signed by a Mr Joe Kerr.

"But unfortunately he wasn't," says David.

Admission of gilt A READER in church on Sunday heard her priest explain to the congregation that if they were worried about the church's financial situation, they should know that, having foreseen the economic downturn, the church had put its investments into gilts.

"Imagine the Catholic Church making money out of gilts," murmured the worshipper next to her.

Cash in Paisley businessman David Dean reads about the Bank of England considering printing more money and suggests: "Virtually everyone has photo-copiers, scanners or printers. Why don't we print our own money at home?

"Everything would be back to boom conditions overnight."

David modestly adds: "I'm not seeking a knighthood for this."

Religious answer READER Dee McKillop tells us about a Sunday School teacher discussing the resurrection and asking her class what they thought Jesus would have said to his disciples when he re-appeared after the Crucifixion.

After a lengthy period of silence, one wee girl spread her arms and said: "Ta da!"