THE woman at the next table is insisting her husband isn't taking that bit of salmon skin home to eat himself.
"No, no, it's for the dog," she laughs, as he puts it in a napkin. As we both say something about dogs and kids and which are the least trouble, I spot an incoming email from a reader asking me to create a list of Scotland's quietest restaurants. Umm ... "Noisy is the new quiet," I'm thinking as Happy Birthday strikes up on the other side of the room, punctuated by some very infectious Babs Windsor-esque laughing.
There's a man at the bar sipping something while doing the crossword, a couple sitting at a table having beers, others dining and the waiter or manager and I are a having conversation that goes like this.
Me: "Erm, sorry, didn't catch that. For a moment there I thought you said the chefs made their own haggis."
Waiter, nodding athletically: "Yes, they do, they do. In the kitchen."
Me: "Crikey. Why would they do that?"
The answer to that dumb question is in front of me. Haggis wrapped round an egg, coated in breadcrumbs, served with - wait for it - baked bean puree under the banner Scotch egg. But my eye is hypnotically drawn to an even more intriguing dish of five fat poached-in-butter prawns, sitting on golden beetroot slices and served with Thai green curry essence.
There are dangerous restaurant reviewer buttons being pressed here. Cosy wee place, local sourcing, good atmosphere and cheffy fun with food.
There are tangy, crispy Kintyre cheddar and mustard dumplings coming at £4.50, cullen skink with big pieces of smoked haddock and made-here sourdough also costing £4.50. The Scotch egg costs £5.50 and even those five prawns - I'll ask later if there are always five - cost £7.50.
Butter and prawns? When I was a kid, those smells plus garlic and paprika would fill the house as the old man shelled and cooked heaps he'd got free from the pier and we'd sit up late in front of James Cagney films. I'm never going to taste anything as good again in my whole life, but these prawns look right. And they are right - the flavours complex, the golden beetroot light and sweet, and the essence of spicy Thai curry delicious.
Pause now and go to that Scotch egg. The shell is crisp and the egg oozes prettily but there's not much spice or oatmeal punch to the haggis. I wonder if the baked bean puree would be better with a proper chef's take on Scotch pie, but the dish is nonetheless different and to be applauded.
There's a chunk of seared coley here now. It was called saithe when we used to catch it off Dunollie Point. A cousin of cod, it's flaky, moist and served in a chilli and ginger broth with weird-looking fractal-shaped romanesco - crunchy, light and tasting vaguely of cauliflower - poached shallots and sliced fennel. It's perfectly cooked.
I'm ignoring the unwanted and unnecessary side dish of potato as it's clearly a tiny confidence wobble by the chef. Etta James, and this is the truth, is now singing At Last on the sound system and Babs is laughing away. The waitress has put her cardigan on and joined the man at the bar. I'm finishing an orange and custard tart with shortcrust pastry, crispy pecan crumb and vanilla ice-cream while trying and failing to avoid making the poor waiter feel uncomfortable by asking endless questions.
Yes, the herbs and certain vegetables are supplied by the organic guys at Locavore next door. Yes, the chefs are going to make their own black pudding too. Yes, there was lemon in the coley broth. I could sit on for ages, but I am now coming across as Mr Oddball so I shuffle off into the night vowing simply to return.
The Salisbury
72 Nithsdale Road, Glasgow (salisburybar.com, 0141 423 0084)
MENU Quirky, clever, localised Scottish with a twist. Butter prawns with Thai green curry, Scotch eggs with home-made haggis, fresh fish dishes, even a steak. 4/5
ATMOSPHERE Small, can be quite bustling and noisy but pulls off the great trick of being a bar and a restaurant in a relaxed and comfortable way. 4/5
SERVICE Friendly, knowledgeable. Successfully bridging the gap between bar customers and those in for a sit-down meal. 5/5
PRICE Great value at this level of cooking, Cullen Skink £4.50, Scotch eggs £5.50. Mains slide in under the £15 mark. 5/5
FOOD Butter prawns with Thai curry and golden beet is fabulous. Kintyre cheddar and mustard good. Home-made haggis worth a try. A real effort to make so much in-house. 8/10
TOTAL 26/30
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