The Celebrity Traitors finale
BBC One
****
Despite an early panic over an accidental upload by a Canadian broadcaster, the secret stayed safe to the end. At 22.10 on November 6, AD 2025, comedian Alan Carr won The Celebrity Traitors.
Yes, we may be an island nation floating towards irrelevance, our best days behind us, but when it comes to organising a murder mystery featuring a trumping septuagenarian, half a chorus line of gay men, a tattooed rugger bugger, and a killer fringe, the UK is peerless.
Well, maybe not quite peerless. Since the ball began rolling in the Netherlands with De Verrarders (The Traitors), the show has spread across the globe like nits through a nursery.
But it has taken a British institution, the BBC, to make the celebrity version such a hit. The first four episodes drew 12.6m viewers, making it the most-watched TV show of the year. That’s millions of eyes not doomscrolling through X or making Jeff Bezos richer. Who says television can’t change the world?
Let us not forget, either, Scotland’s part in the show’s success. Not only did we supply the majestic setting of Ardross Castle, we provided the basic storyline in Macbeth (albeit with a little help from a Mr W Shakespeare). So our homegrown talent didn’t get all the jobs they were due under Ofcom rules. But just think: next time around, one lucky refugee from River City might be making Claudia’s tea. It could be you, Bob.
So to the finale, in which two Traitors, the singer-songwriter Cat Burns and Carr, had to beat Faithfuls Joe Marler (former rugby player), Nick Mohammed (actor), and historian David Olusoga. The official prize was £100,000 for charity; the unofficial one a torrent of lucrative job offers, most involving the flogging of crisps.
The last challenge took place on a train which mercifully had nothing to do with ScotRail, or the contestants would still be there next Christmas waiting for the thing to arrive. The task was to find the loot and get off the train before a cache of explosives went kaboom.
The remaining round tables turned out to be just as tense.
Five became four when Joe pulled a switcheroo and voted to banish Cat. Now we were cooking. This being the final, her allegiance remained a secret to the end.
Nineteen celebrities began the contest just a few weeks ago by digging their own graves. Among them was Mark Bonnar. At first, the Guilt and Department Q star was “Scotland’s Mark Bonnar”, but a severe case of over-acting resulted in his banishment from our affections. He will return, but not yet, not yet.
Read more
- Shetland: BBC antidote to cosy crime is alive and frowning
- Scottish medical student lifts one of TV's biggest trophies
- Kenny Dalglish documentary shows how a legend stood tall when needed most
- The Ridge: I've seen the future for BBC Scotland drama. Does it work?
Edinburgh-born Bonnar should have learned from his fellow contestants how to curry favour with viewers. Being the first person “murdered” did wonders for Paloma Faith’s popularity, particularly since her demise came at the hands of “best friend” Alan Carr. Celia Imrie broke wind during one of the challenges and now there’s a push to make her a Dame. The Beckhams must be kicking themselves.
Another winner was Jonathan Ross, who went from phone prank pariah to likeable old buffer and mentor to the young ‘uns.
As ever, Claudia Winkleman’s wardrobe, which she once described as Princess Anne meets Ronnie Corbett, merited a medal. And a tip of the hat to the staff of the Marriott at Inverness Airport, where the celebrities lodged, for keeping them well stocked with tiny cartons of long-life milk and toilet roll.
Losers? Stephen Fry was on a low peep for most of the run, ditto David Olusoga. Tom Daly deserved to stay longer, Clare Balding was ditched not a moment too soon.
Back at the round table, it was time to throw the pouches of truth into the flames of revelation. All voted to banish again. Alan wanted rid of Joe, Joe returned the sentiment, then David and Nick turned the table on Joe and he was out.
And then there were three. When David voted to end the game that was it - Alan had won. The nice guys had finished last and lost the charity prize fund to the last traitor standing — that man Carr.
Read more
- Sorry Mark - you were becoming a national embarrassment on Celebrity Traitors
- From Sydney to Glasgow; the Scots couple's move that made Location's Kirstie despair
- The Forsytes review: What's a Bee Gee doing in Victorian London?
-
BBC Scotland: Turmoil as bosses try to keep high-earning 'star' presenter happy
“Oh ****!” cried Nick as Carr's allegiance was revealed. Alan burst into tears and everyone rushed to comfort him. How did he swing that? Largely by turning the entire exercise into Carry On Deceiving and giving us a much-needed giggle. “The most hated man in Britain”, he called himself. Hardly, but I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes when he meets Paloma again.
- The biggest winner of the series was good old terrestrial television, showing it still has what it takes to unite families and nations on the collective sofa. Normal service will resume at Ardross in January when the “civilian” version returns. Not to be disloyal, but here’s hoping the bookers are hard at work on the next series of The Celebrity Traitors. Nicola Sturgeon’s number can’t be that hard to find.
Share