Scotland's Christmas Home of the Year review: A bauble too far?

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Had a dream the other night that Scotland’s Christmas Home of the Year judges went to Tiny Tim’s gaff by mistake. It was a typo in the house number, but Anna Campbell-Jones, Banjo Beale, and Danny Campbell, pros that they are, went ahead anyway.

“This is austerity chic dialled up to one hundred and eleven,” said Banjo. 

“Look at that teeny-weeny walking stick,” chimed Anna. “Useful and sustainable, it warms the soul.”

“They should throw it on the fire,” said Danny the architect, who can be rather brutalist in his assessments. “Sheer frippery — it distracts the eye from the hovel’s clean lines.”

Anna had gone uncharacteristically quiet. “Guys, I wonder if we’re getting this wrong. Have we been too successful in pushing Scotland as the interior design capital of the world? Is it becoming too much for ordinary Scots like Wee Timmy to keep up?”

The dream faded, but the question remained — and there was no better time to ask it than the Christmas special, the blingiest episode of the year. 

I hardly recognised the judges at first, what with Anna’s hair going from peroxide blonde to fire engine red (suits you, madame), and Danny rocking a George Orwell look. With no mention of the tonsorial changes it was hotfoot to the Scooby van (or as the judges have dubbed it, the “SCHOTY Sleigh”), for a tour of the finalists.

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Banter filled the air as the seasonal spirit took hold. “You love gravy,” Banjo told Anna. “No,” she replied. Was there anything particular the judges were looking for this year? Crafty options, said Danny. “I want handmade. I want detail therapy, not retail therapy.” 

“OOOOOOOOOh!” chorused the other two. 

Up and down the country they went, starting at Peterhead with the Smiths and North Star Steading. “It’s never finished,” said Mrs Smith, who starts her prep in October. “Trust me, it’s finished,” said Mr Smith. God love him. 

From Peterhead, it was on to Edinburgh and the Townhouse of Treasures. “They’re double chandeliering,” said Banjo, looking up at the lighted windows.  “I’m expecting something big here.” In fact, there were five chandeliers, plus a disco ball. “Total theatre,” said Danny. Anna found a toy rabbit’s head and put it on, naturally. 

More high jinks ensued on the ferry to Millport to see the Pink Party Palace, before moving on to Cumnock and the Holly Jolly Mouse House, where the owners had baked gingerbread portraits of the judges. The final stop was Burntisland, home to the Sugar Plum Loft. 

Every home was stunning. The trees alone rivalled anything in a Fifth Avenue shop window. As standards leap with every series, do you now have to be near-professional standard to enter, never mind win? 

So far, SHOTY and SCHOTY are holding the line, preferring less than perfection, championing real homes rather than show homes. On that score, Holly Jolly Mouse House was a deserving winner. The judges loved it because it made them feel like children again. What more could anyone desire at Christmas?