Emily in Paris (Netflix) returned this week, but the lady herself was in Rome. Even with the help of a pen and paper, I can’t keep up with the love life of the twentysomething American who has somehow forged a marketing career in Paris despite not speaking the language.
She is now doing the same in Rome, where she also has a new boyfriend, Marcello, while her old flames, Alfie from London and Gabriel from Paris, were still on the scene. What's the betting her next stop is Glasgow? Enough to say that the delightful Lily Collins is looking more like Audrey Hepburn by the day, and Europe looks fabulous, not at all like a hellscape going downhill fast. Perhaps Donald Trump should drop by.
The 9 pm slot on Channel 5 is known affectionately in these parts as the Baby Jane Hour in honour of Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, and every other woman who has ever behaved madly on screen. Some want revenge, others riches. In one case, the object of desire was a new kitchen. I lost count of the number of poor wretches who died on that hill.
This week’s offering, The Imposter (Channel 5, Monday-Thursday), went further, adding crazed men to the mix. Plus Susan Kennedy from Neighbours and, wait for it, a Minogue sister (Danni, not Kylie).
Susan (Jackie Woodburne) has lost her gig on the recently departed Neighbours, so it was good to see her employed again so soon. She played Helen, owner of a Melbourne beachfront hotel that has seen better days. She ought to let her three adult children take over, but they’re useless, or married to someone who is.
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As luck would have it, the daughter Helen gave away for adoption in England has made contact. Amanda (Kym Marsh, late of Coronation Street) is a capable, take-charge kind of gal, and before you can say power of attorney, the siblings are at war over their inheritance.
Perhaps it was the hotel connection that gave The Imposter a whiff of Crossroads. Each episode was crazier than the last, with performances to match, and in the centre of the storm was Susan Kennedy/Jackie Woodburne with an Irish accent (she was born in Carrickfergus). And all that before Ms Minogue makes an appearance.
Speaking of grand dames, David Dimbleby wrapped up his three-part documentary, What’s the Monarchy For? (BBC1, Tuesday) with a look at relations with the media. There can be few more qualified to comment. He has been there at the weddings, the funerals, every major event, and had insightful things to say about each. If he didn’t, he knew a press secretary or historian who did.
As with The Imposter, Dimbers went one better - he landed a scoop. He had in his possession instructions from the Palace to broadcasters regarding the funeral of Queen Elizabeth. These set out which scenes could never be used again. They included the handling of the Crown, shots of an individual (who Dimbleby chose not to name) looking visibly upset, and Prince Edward and his wife Sophie clutching handkerchiefs. These so-called “perpetuity edits” were on a need-to-know basis. A mildly shocked Greg Dyke, former BBC director-general, said this was the first he had heard of them.
Wearing natty green braces and a mischievous smile, Dimbleby looked at the interview - “as it happens, with my brother” - in which Charles was asked about his infidelity. “If I had been Charles, I’d want to say f*** off,” he laughed.
He was impressed by Oprah’s honest reactions to Harry and Meghan’s claims, but Eugene Levy, who interviewed William, not so much. The fact that he referred to the American Pie actor twice as a “Canadian comedian” said it all. Long may Dimbleby reign.
Had a dream the other night that the judges from Scotland’s Christmas Home of the Year (BBC1, Monday) went to Tiny Tim’s gaff by mistake. It was a typo in the house number, but Anna Campbell-Jones, Banjo Beale, and Danny Campbell, pros that they are, went ahead anyway.
“This is austerity chic dialled up to one hundred and eleven,” said Banjo.
“Look at that teeny-weeny walking stick,” chimed Anna. “Useful and sustainable, it warms the soul.”
Suddenly, Anna became uncharacteristically quiet. “Guys, I wonder if we’re getting this wrong. Have we been too successful in pushing Scotland as the interior design capital of the world? Is it becoming too much for ordinary Scots like Wee Timmy to keep up?”
The dream faded, but the question remained — and there was no better time to ask it than the Christmas special, the blingiest episode of the year.
Up and down the country went the judges, starting at Peterhead and venturing to Edinburgh, Millport, Cumnock and Burntisland. Every home was stunning. The trees alone rivalled anything in a Fifth Avenue shop window. As standards leap with every series, do you now have to be near-professional standard to enter, never mind win?
So far, SHOTY and SCHOTY are holding the line, preferring less than perfection, championing real homes rather than show homes. On that score, Holly Jolly Mouse House near Cumnock was a deserving winner.
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