From Glasgow's streets to a giant crocodile: TV's wild week

Reporter Myles Bonnar had to strike a balance between reporting the ugliness of the here and now, and putting the behaviour into context without seeming to make excuses. He mostly managed it, although the venture occasionally had the air of a "poverty safari" about it. At times I half-expected him to adopt an Attenborough whisper and say, “Come observe the lesser-crested Glasgow ned in his habitat, and don’t worry, we have subtitles …”

The behaviour on show won’t have surprised anyone who has been in Glasgow, or many another city, lately. Indeed, Marissa MacWhirter of this newspaper covered the story last year. What has prompted a reaction this time was the BBC’s presence in the mix.

For those who think the broadcaster should act as the PR branch of the state, Welcome to Glasgow would have been disappointing, enraging even. For many, however, it was a long-overdue look at what is happening on the broadcaster’s doorstep. The programme ended with the city council refusing to comment, which said rather a lot. 

The day before the return of Ludwig (BBC One, Thursday) for a second series, Only Child, the genial Scottish sitcom about a father and son played by Gregor Fisher and Greg McHugh, was given its jotters. Not very nice. 

Only Child had plenty going for it. Funny, wise and moving, it was written by Glasgow screenwriter Bryce Hart, set in Forres and made with a predominantly Scottish cast. It ticked many of the boxes that are supposed to matter to a BBC serving all the nations and regions. Ratings-wise, it averaged a decent 2.1 million viewers. Compare that, however, with Ludwig. Its opening episode two years ago reached more than 9.5 million viewers over 28 days. 

Watching Ludwig’s return, you had to admire how it is precision-engineered for success. Besides chiming with the fashion for cosy crime, it has two hugely popular leads in David Mitchell and Anna Maxwell Martin, puzzles as a central theme (never underestimate their allure), and an easy-on-the-eye Cambridge setting. 

That the premise is weapons-grade bonkers, with puzzle setter Ludwig (Mitchell) trying to find his missing detective twin by posing as him, is neither here nor there.

The first series ended, spoiler alert, with John being rumbled. It’s a heck of a twist to come back from, but Ludwig has no shame. The two young DCs from the first series, we are told, have transferred to another station. Their replacements know nothing of what went on before. To them, John is just John, a crime scene consultant. Hang on a minute: wouldn’t the whole office need its memory wiped? 

While all this is going on, there is the matter of a murder at the theatre to solve. Two sisters (Doon Mackichan, Rebecca Front) are accused of murdering their tyrannical mother, but who dealt the fatal blow? Mark Bonnar adds further star power as a local paper editor persuaded to take Lucy on as a cub reporter. 

All concerned play the farce just right and with supreme confidence. If a line is obviously funny, the character smiles along with the viewer. Added to the mix is the will-they-won’t-they relationship between John and Lucy. I have no idea what they would do if they ever acknowledged their feelings for each other; here's hoping it doesn’t come to that. 

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It has been harder to win the Alan Partridge Monkey Tennis Award for ludicrous TV since the number of channels exploded. There is now a whole universe of absurdity out there, each programme vying for a slice of our diminishing attention spans. 

Race Against the Tide (BBC Scotland, Monday, BBC Two, Tuesday) is built on a simple enough idea. Take a bunch of civilians to a gorgeous beach, in this case West Sands Beach in St Andrews, pair them with sand sculptors, and see what each team can make within the six hours it takes for the tide to come in. 

Meanwhile, have jolly punster Iain Stirling, him off Love Island, bounce around trying to keep everyone’s spirits up. 

“It’s the sculpting competition nobody asked for, but we all probably need,” said Stirling in that first-to-the-punchline way of his. Do we? 

The format started life in Canada, where it has now run to four series. I would have thought its spread was limited by the lack of sand sculptors. Aren’t they a rare breed, like living statues? The ones on Stirling’s show look like they have backstories to tell, and I expect we’ll be treated to them over the next six weeks. So there’s something to look forward to. 

The punters, or “newbies” in the show’s parlance, were rather elbowed aside as the experts got going. There were also “crews” helping each team with the shovelling and stomping required to get the consistency just right for sculpting. And you thought building a sandcastle was child’s play. 

These creations, of course, were so much more. Under the title “Life’s a Beach” (how original), each team tried to sum up their childhood summers by the seaside. For David, that meant pirate-themed birthday parties; for Alex it was a wonky caravan. Helen made a woman wrapped in an electric blanket. Helen is from Arbroath. 

In the background, you could see dog walkers out for a stroll. I’m sorry to say that not one of the hounds was allowed off the leash to dive into a half-finished sand sculpture. Good folk of St Andrews, you are a disgrace. If that had been Ayr on a Glasgow bank holiday, it would have been sandcastle carnage. 

This year marks a significant birthday for Black Watch (BBC Four/iPlayer, Sunday), Gregory Burke’s landmark play about Scottish soldiers serving in Iraq in 2004. Produced by the National Theatre of Scotland, it was first performed on 1 August 2006 at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, making it of an age with the young soldiers it portrays so memorably. 

To mark the anniversary, BBC Four aired a performance filmed in Dingwall and first shown in 2007.

The Edinburgh production went on to tour internationally, winning four Oliviers (and a Herald Angel) on its way. The play is also notable for launching or accelerating the careers of Scottish actors including Emun Elliott (Guilt, The Gold), Brian Ferguson (Rebus, Dept Q) and, in a later production, Jack Lowden (Slow Horses). 

Director John Tiffany’s staging has not aged a day. The pool table moment, the songs, the balletic dance - all blend seamlessly together, culminating in the final, powerful scenes of chaos, terror and loss. Throughout it all, our guide Cammy (an outstanding Brian Ferguson) never falters. 

Some may worry that a play loses power when it is transferred to the screen, but not Black Watch. The soldiers’ feelings are written on their faces, ready to be studied in close-up, if you can bear it. And when you watch a production at home or in the cinema, there is no such thing as a bad seat. 

Australia-set comedy Sunny Nights (STV, Sunday) arrives with impressive credentials, starting with director Trent O’Donnell, one of the creative team behind the sleeper hit Colin From Accounts. Also in its favour is a cast headed by Will Forte (Tina Fey’s flaky husband in Four Seasons) and D’Arcy Carden (the all-knowing assistant Janet in The Good Place).

The Americans play brother and sister, Martin and Vicki, who have flown thousands of miles to Sydney ostensibly to flog a new spray tan. He’s really there to win back the wife who dumped him, while for Vicki, this is just the latest in a series of bad life choices. 

Staying in the titular Sunny Nights, the motel equivalent of the last chance saloon, Martin manages to land himself in a mess with some very bad people. A local who used to be bad but is now sort of okay agrees to help the siblings (for a price), and so the caper begins. Oh, and a crocodile the size of a saloon car makes an appearance early on. 

The giant reptile lends the tale a pleasing Carl Hiaasen vibe, and the two leads give it their all, but an hour in, it is hard to know who to root for. No one is particularly likeable, though I expect that will change. It's certainly worth a look, if only for the crocodile. Don’t forget to scream.