Glasgow: home to Dali’s Christ of St John of the Cross, Rembrandt’s A Man in Armour, Turner’s Modern Italy, Matisse, Van Gogh, Mackintosh … and for one day only, a gallery of numpties from The Apprentice.
Last night’s show featured the annual art task in Sir Alan Sugar’s search for a business partner, and where else to go but Glasgow, billed as “a major player in the modern art market”. Told you those Turner prizes would come in handy one day.
Summoned by a 4.30am phone call, a mild hysteria gripped the group on hearing where they were going. That is the only way to explain Camilla’s attempt at a Scottish accent, rolling “Rs” and all. In a perfect impersonation of Karren and Claude, Sir Alan’s eyes and ears, I rolled my peepers and made a note.
Karren and Claude were at Kelvingrove Art Gallery and Museum in the flesh. Sir Alan was on a video link. “I’ve been called away on some very urgent business,” he explained. It would later emerge he was trawling the country in search of some truly awful art-related puns, including “You’re Damien Worst, not Damien Hirst.”
The task for the two teams was to select an artist to represent and sell their works to the public, and a corporate client. Camilla, her again, was nervous.
“I don’t have a direct experience with Glaswegians,” she said with the air of a woman who had expected to get off the plane and find us throwing faeces at each other.
One team opted for the Eleanor Carlingford’s colourful oils, the other chose Solveig Einarsdottir’s sculptures, including one of a duck’s bottom sticking out of the water. Everyone’s a critic.
The corporate clients were Linn, makers of high end sound systems, and itison [CORRECT], the deals and events site.
Neither was impressed with what the apprentices found for them, and one only bought something after a last gasp effort. Selling to the public was no pushover either, especially the woman who, offered a linen tote for £25, laughed in the apprentices’ faces.
Being harsh, one might say the wannabe titans made the mistake of underestimating and patronising Glasgow. Being realistic, they are a gaggle of daft kids who have acted like clueless pillocks in every episode to date. Why should it be any different in Glasgow?
The trip outside London ended with Jasmine the corporate queen getting the boot. She was not happy. One might almost say her face was a picture. Something by Picasso, maybe.
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