THE gulf between who you are and who you would like to be is not always easily traversed. I make a sweeping statement here. Perhaps you feel it easily traversable. Perhaps you feel there is, in fact, no distance to be traversed at all. Lucky you.

I've been watching too many TikTok videos and seeing too many people managing their beautiful homes and their organised lives and their inexplicable 5am starts with outfits laid out the night before. These people always seem to have supplement powders that they don't just mix with water but whizz with water.

They have little battery-powered frothers that blitz their drinks. I object to it not because it's pretentious and batteries are an unnecessary environmental burden but because of the additional thing to clean. I suppose these people also have dishwashers and no concerns about the daily tedium of the washing up.

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These people rise an hour before they really need to in order to journal and set intentions for the day. I have one intention and that's to make it through the day. Wouldn't you always rather have another hour of sleep? Always?

I don't want to be exactly like these people but I do admire the sense of order of their homes. I would like to get up in the morning and not fall over something I forgot I left on the floor. I would like to be able, actually, to see my floors and also sit on my chairs. I have seven chairs in my living room and, looking round now, only one is habitable, a clear seat unsullied by stuff.

As if things weren't already terrible, I went and made them infinitely worse. Several weeks ago, that is, early December, I'm lying so it doesn't seem quite as bad, I had a fit of the Marie Kondos.

I wonder what it's like when your name comes to be a verb. Marie Kondo, in case you've been under a rock or trapped under a pile of stuff on my floor (hello!), is the tidying guru who took the world by storm with her mantra about sparking joy.

I'm paraphrasing, but the idea was to only keep things that spark joy. This obvious has its limits. The toilet brush doesn't spark joy but it has its uses. Her method referred to the life-changing magic of tidying up.

The Herald: Tidying guru Marie Kondo came to prominence with her mantra of 'sparking joy'Tidying guru Marie Kondo came to prominence with her mantra of 'sparking joy' (Image: Newsquest)

I think tidying up would be magic. I'm less sold on life-changing but it would no doubt be life-enhancing. So it was in this spirit that in early December I had a desire to tidy and I needed guidance. I turned to Marie Kondo and made notes on what she recommends you do. I was inspired. I was so inspired I ignored all the notes and did too much too soon.

I pulled everything out of my wardrobe at once, everything from the drawers under the bed, everything from the shelves in the Ikea Expedit. As long as I've lived in my flat, things have been going in to those spaces and nothing, bar clothes, has come out.

My plan to compel myself to deal with it timeously was to put everything on my bed. I had to tidy it, right, or where would I sleep? I sleep on the day bed in the box room now.

There was so much stuff it didn't all fit on my bed (it's a very small bedroom) so it covers the floor as well and the majority of the hallway and part of the living room. I found things I didn't remember owning. I found unopened Christmas gifts. I found a gift from my aunt and we've been estranged for 13 years.

I pulled everything out of the kitchen cupboards and I'm not ready to talk about that yet. When delivery drivers come to the front door I only open it a tiny crack so they can't see the chaos within.

Marie Kondo's appeal was in her approach to offloading unwanted and unnecessary stuff. Her popularity has spawned a whole generation of tidying gurus. The newer proponents of decluttering are, with unacknowledged irony, forever persuading you that you need even more stuff to put your existing stuff into.

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A sceptic might surmise that they are only there to make you buy things. I bought things – I bought tubs and baskets and shelf inserts. These are stacked up outside the bathroom and I trip over them at least three times a day.

I've filled seven bin bags of charity shop and recycling centre items and had enough. I needed another boost. I returned to Marie Kondo, to see what further inspiration she might have.

Well. The ship has sailed. Three weans in and she's said motherhood has lessened her time and appetite for the tidying. Her timing could not be worse. I finally get round to emulating her good habits and she's sacked it. I'm Stig of the Dump now. It's not who I want to be but it's who I am.