The diary

Incidentally, Janice's last theatrical performance was at a birthday party when she and a friend dressed as ageing performers Fran and Anna, complete with tammies, mini kilts, and grotesque make-up. ''What was even more frightening,'' says Janice, ''is that most people thought we were Fran and Anna.''

l GERRY MacKenzie paused for thought after the Radio Clyde news item on the Glasgow nursery nurses' dispute, when it was reported the nurses would no longer do menial tasks. Or as their spokeswoman put it: ''We're not cleaning the toilets any more. It's not our jobs.''

Twice as good

JOHN Gahagan, one-time Motherwell winger, and now richly entertaining after-dinner speaker, was travelling to Shetland for a charity dinner, carrying two footballs for auction signed by Scotland's top players. However, the officious stewardess said they could not be taken on board unless they were deflated, which proved impossible. Fortunately, the pilot told him to bring them on board anyway. On arrival, the stewardess told John: ''You'd better check your balls. They could have swollen to twice their size due to the cabin pressure.''

''Fantastic,'' he replied, only to be met with stony silence.

He did think it amusing enough to tell his Shetland audience that night, but the only response was an old woman who piped up: ''That's what happens to my ankles.''

Shedding light

JOHN Gahagan and Fife PE principal Willie Allan were the main attractions at a fund-raising dinner for Marr Rugby Club in Troon on Saturday. Willie, always a favourite of The Diary, tells us he was in the company of a retired Fife miner who was being pestered by a chap who had a fascination for what it must have been like to be a miner. Eventually when the chap asked: ''What kind of lamps did you use,'' the old miner told him: ''I don't know. I was constant day shift.''

Willie also insists there is a housing scheme in Fife with so many windows boarded up, the local window cleaner carries a sander.

When Bob met Andy

MORE on Bob Hope's trip to Glasgow and meeting Andy Stewart at the City Chambers - we still get a kick at mentioning them together. Anyway, readers E and J Simpson say the arrival of Bob Hope put a dampener on what had actually been a sparkling performance by Andy. However, Andy did give as good as he got in his repartee with Bob Hope - so much so that Bob eventually remarked: ''This guy must have Crosby blood in him.'' Their only quibble is with the date of the meeting - they reckon it was 1953 and not 1959, before ending poignantly: ''Where have those 50 years gone?''

Going rate

WE hear of an official travelling with the EU leaders meeting President Putin in St Petersburg who discovered a money exchange kiosk that was very wary of accepting Scottish pound notes. He was dismayed that it only wanted to give about 25 roubles to the pound - half of the normal exchange. But rather than moan about it, he discovered the booth would be happy to exchange Scottish notes it already had at the same low exchange rate - giving him an instant profit when he got back to Scotland. No wonder foreigners think we Scots are canny.

Sad note

A FEW readers point out the interview in The Herald with singer Kym Marsh in which Kym is asked: ''If you could have dinner with anyone, who would it be?'' Says Kym: ''Karen Carpenter.''

''If only Karen had, indeed, had dinner with a few more people,'' the old Carpenter fans tell us.

Splitting hairs

SCOTTISH Television received numerous complaints from viewers claiming the company had gone overboard in its coverage of Celtic fans in Seville.

One viewer phoned to say that after a hard day's work he didn't want to watch pictures of Celtic fans cavorting in the sun.

But a few viewers did come to Celtic's rescue after the ITN news that night had longer coverage on David Beckham's changing hairstyle than on the Celtic

game. Or as one caller put it:

''A European final is more

important than that daft eejit's hairdo.''