THE Stone of Destiny or Stone of Scone not only has two names but seems to exist in many, many forms. And Messrs Major and Forsyth should do the decent thing and hand them all back.

When the Stone was stolen from Westminster Abbey in 1950 and the polis were searching for it the length and breadth of Scotland, Glasgow University Union decided to mark the occasion in their own helpful way by holding an Alternative Stone of Scone competition.

Mr Alan Sinclair gives this contemporaneous report: ``The event was held one Saturday and all day the various entries were arriving by van, car, message bicycle, bus, horse and cart, wheelbarrow or by hand. There were stone Stones, wooden stones, papier-mache Stones, Plasticine Stones.

``As the time for the judging arrived the hall was seething with spectators and littered with all manner of hopeful Stones for the Queen to sit on when her time came. At that point the police arrived. Not, you understand, Partick station's finest but the Special Branch, no less.

``They loaded the whole caboodle into a Black Maria and took careful note of the names and addresses of all participants. End of competition. No subsequent statement was released to say if the true Stone had been found in the collection.''

n.In the spirit of the students' 1950 competition, but far too late to enter, the Diary has commissioned the Scone of Destiny. It was baked for us by Brian Murphy, chef of the Babbity Bowster in Glasgow, a howff where Ian Hamilton, who actually stole the Stone, is known to have the odd cup of tea and a scone.

The recipe is quite simple: Mix 4oz of plain flour, #foz butter, !f teaspoon cream of tartar, !s teaspoon bicarbonate of soda, 1 tablespoon milk, and 1 tablespoon water, shape it all into a rectangle reminiscent of the Stone of Scone, and pop in the oven. The little handles, actually a pair of #1.50 earrings from the appropriately named State of Independence, are optional.

n.Robbie the Pict, who has campaigned (unsuccessfully) for the conviction of HM the Queen on a charge of reset of the Stone of Destiny, has been on to tell the Diary that the Pictish Free State has been in session to debate the subject of the return of the Stone. Being of a legalistic frame of mind, Robbie declares that under the Scots law of contract, a draft deed of conveyance will be required to make official the handing back of the stone.

This will require the signatures of both the donor and the recipient. If John Major puts his name to the document, says Robbie, he will lay himself open to the reset charge. The Pictish Free State, in formal session, also elected who is to be the recipient of the Stone on behalf of the southern Scottish nation: Elaine C Smith. ``She's a hard woman. No-one would dare meddle with her,'' says Robbie.

Water trip

INTO the Haud Me Back Department falls a holiday in Ireland offered by the Scottish Universal Newspaper group. The ``Irish Interlude'' includes a ferry sailing from Stranraer to Larne. The holiday operators chose to illustrate this particular trip with a photograph of a stretch of rugged Irish coastline, complete with a ship which has run aground.

All made up

SPOTTED, remaindered in a Paisley charity shop, a box of ladies toiletries with the politically incorrect name ``Victim''. Whatever happened to Zero Tolerance?

Cafe ole

THE Costa Coffee shops in Glasgow's railway stations bring a wee aroma of the continent to the city. The Diary dropped into Queen Street the other day for a macchiato which, as you no doubt know, is a small espresso with a dash of hot milk. ``In Spain, this is called a cortado,'' we ventured, showing off our Spanish. Very interesting, said the lad behind the machine.

``And a black coffee with a wee dash of brandy is called a carajillo in Spanish. What do you call it here?'' ``Illegal,'' he said, bringing us back to Glasgow with a thump.

He'll walk

WE hear of a West of Scotland lawyer whose task it was recently to defend an accused of the Orange persuasion. The case was continued to July 12. The accused urgently informed his brief that he had a previous engagement on that day, namely marching in uniform through the streets of Belfast. The lawyer managed to get the date of the next appearance changed by informing the bench that his client had already booked a walking holiday in Ireland.

Light fingers

WE are sent a sad little memo issued by the management of a Glasgow health centre which indicates how difficult it can be coping with the ingenuity of the city's criminal element: ``Update on closed circuit TV installation - The installation of the camera at the back of the health centre has been delayed due to the theft of the lamp-post on which the camera was to be placed......''

Boxed in

n ARTHUR Maxwell of Prestwick sends us this snap which he says he took recently in the ``dead centre'' of Blackpool.