John Davidson is willing to risk

a clippie round the ear as he

eavesdrops on a conversation

which could only take place

on the upper deck of fashion

PURE brilliant white. The absolute of no-colour colour brings a sense of drop-dead gorgeous chic to the newest lightly-tailored trouser suits. In cotton or linen - and subtly textured viscose-linen blends, the white pantsuit is the glamorous choice for women who are going places this summer.

Agnes has never really gone anywhere. Except, of course, the terminus and back. Today, she stumbles down the perilous stairway to the lower deck of Service 62A, on which she has loyally served for some years as the conductress, only to be taken aback by the unexpected presence of her daughter among an unusually large complement of passengers.

``Petronella!'' she screams in total astonishment. ``Whit are ye dain' own ma bus in yer new white trooser suit? Dae ye no ken' ah canna be helt responsible if ye get ownything own it?''

``Wheesht, Ma.'' Petronella cuts her mother short. ``Ah'm own ma road up Cowcaddens tae see aboot a joab at the STV and ah need tae look pure dead stylish if ah'm gonnae get an interview.''

``STV telly-vision? Whit joab do ye think you're gonnae git at the STV?'' asks Agnes, with just the teeniest touch of sarcasm to her tone.

``Well, ah dinnae right ken, ma. But ah thoat ah might get own yon programme aboot fashion.......''

``No that Get it Up?''

``It's cried Get It Own, Ma - no Up.......''

``Aye, ah ken. Yon wi' that Carol Smelly frae Wheelo Fortune? There's no onny way yer goin' tae get own Get It Own. Who the flaming heck dae ye think ye are? Expelled frae school fur interferin' wi' the science teacher, an' no an O-level tae yer name.......''

``Wheesht, ma. Ah've broat ma certificate whit ah goat frae the Brownies, an' a personally signed oato-graphed picture o' Jeff Banks whit oor Morena goat at The Clothes Show exhibition.''

``Are ye oaf yer heid? Ye canna jist walk intae ah joab like yon, Petronella. That Carol Smelly had tae work her way up frae way doon below the bottom.''

Petronella is momentarily distracted from her mother's intuitive career guidance by a small boy enjoying a delicious ice cream confection. She draws the attention of the child's mother by administering a sharp poke in the back. ``See ma guid white trooser suit, Missus. And see yer bairn's Magnum. If the twaw git the gither, yer bairn wull be gettin' a slap.''

``Dinnae ye threaten ma Jordan. Jist 'cos ye'r dressed up like a big doag's denner disnae mean ye can threaten other folks' bairns.''

``An' dinnae ye raise yer voice tae ma Petronella'', Agnes interjects. ``She's goanie be own the telly. And in the Hello! - jist like that Carol Smelly, ken? A big huge enormous telly-vision persoanality, an' a', wi' a big hoose up the West End.......''

``Ah dinnae care if she thinks she's gonnie turn intae Fergie. She's no layin' a finger own ma' Jordan, or she'll no be own the telly - she'll be wearin' it.''