In line for another fishy tale

WHEN Scots actress Valerie Edmond's agent telephoned to say that she'd

been offered a role in the next Death Wish movie, she naturally leapt at

the chance. And then she paused for thought.

''I said to myself 'I'm going to get blown away by Charles Bronson!

Then I thought, well, he must be in a wheelchair by now. Maybe he's

going to play it like Ironside,'' she recalls, not entirely seriously.

It was, as it turned out, a bad line. The telephone. The Death bit was

right but the Wish was a Fish. Put them together and you get Death Fish

II, the working title for the forthcoming follow-up to A Fish Called

Wanda. It stars John Cleese, a man who, when you think about it, is

about as far removed from Charles Bronson as it is possible to get.

Still, unfazed, Edmond continued to leap at the chance.

She's that kind of person, Valerie. If opportunities arise then she'll

positively embrace them. This is a wise move because they don't come

around so often for Scottish actresses -- even when they're 27 years

old, vivacious, intelligent, witty, and positively statuesque.

Now, it has to be said that Valerie's role in Death Fish is not the

biggest in the movie. She plays a hotel chambermaid and, as she modestly

admits, if you look down to see how much popcorn's left in the box,

you'll miss her.

''It's really only a tiny part,'' she explains, pinching the thumb and

forefinger of her right hand to illustrate its diminutive size. ''I get

one line: 'Would you like your sheets turned down?' to which John Cleese

replies 'No thank you' and slams the door in my face.''

The refreshing thing about Valerie Edmond is the fact that she doesn't

talk like an actress. No lah-de-dahs. No luvvie dahlings. Not a hint of

conceit. She talks like a smart, reasonably confident, working-class

young woman from Springburn. Which she is. But now she's a little more.

She's a name to keep an eye on. Remember where you heard it first.

When she was a 15-year-old pupil at Albert Secondary it was a toss-up

between writing and acting as a career. Something which would allow her

to use her imagination (your imagination, she reckons, is the best place

to be).

She auditioned for the Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama and

was provisionally accepted. The only problem was that the college, like

X-rated movies, wouldn't accept anyone who was under 18.

So she went back to her headmaster who had her RSAMD application form

tucked away in a filing cabinet. On the pretext of wanting to add a line

about her pastimes and hobbies, she got hold of the form. A spot of

Typex, a ballpoint pen, and as if by magic Valerie aged three years

overnight. She was 18 (going on 21) when she graduated with a BA in

dramatic studies and an award for Best Student of the Year.

Since then she has worked in the theatre with companies like

Borderline and Wildcat and she's done a couple of Taggarts for STV (Come

on, she's Scottish and she's in the acting game.) Later this month you

can see her in BBC1's new sitcom, Agony Again, in which Maureen Lipman

reprises her 1970s LWT role of Agony Aunt Jane Lucas. Now Jane has moved

on to become a successful media celebrity, hosting her own afternoon

talk show. Valerie plays Catherine, her researcher.

''I wear a long red wig and talk in a kind of Giffnock accent -- not

that there's anything wrong with a Giffnock accent. Catherine is very

timid and nervous and completely conscientious. In fact, she's

everything I'm not,'' she explains with an engaging smile. Indeed, it is

probably fair to say that Valerie is about as far removed from her

character as, well, Charles Bronson is from John Cleese.

Modesty returns to the conversation. Edmond volunteers the information

that, as much as her acting ability, she reckons that it was her

friendship with Maureen Lipman which helped gain her the part. They met

when Lipman directed her in The Sunshine Boys at the Royal Lyceum in

Edinburgh.

''We got on very well and I'm sure that she had something to do with

me getting the part in Agony. She is a sensational person to work with

-- intelligent, beautiful, very wise and very caring to other actors.

''She really is the consummate professional and, when you watch her,

you learn so much. You get sitcom acting and you get acting in sitcom

and she knows how to act. Whatever she does is good. Whether it's comic

or straight, there is always a person there,'' she adds.

Valerie recognises that a lot of sitcoms, with their bland,

middle-class, Home Counties backdrop, don't travel well north of the

Border but she reckons that Agony Again will make the journey unscathed.

''Sometimes sitcoms are very difficult to write because the pressure

of always having to make them funny means that the storyline gets

neglected. But with this one it's the story which comes first and the

fact that it's funny follows on,'' she says.

This month, on the strength of Death Fish and Agony Again, Valerie is

off to London, the place where, sadly in a way, all young Scottish

actors must go if fame and fortune are big on their hit list. She's

found herself a flat in Notting Hill and she's prepared to give it two

years. She says, somewhat philosophically, that you are who you are --

until you find success. And then you call the shots.

''For the moment, it's great. I'm doing exactly what I want to do with

my life. I'll just keep my fingers crossed that I get invited to the

wrap party for Death Fish II,'' she adds. All Valerie Edmond has to do

is wait and see if the fish bites.