How to benefit from those French connections

Alliance. Readers of yesterday's Diary will recall that M Richard has

ordained a Diary competition to celebrate the age-old friendship between

France and Scotland.

The star prize is two Air France tickets to Paris. M Richard has now

come up with a further prize of dinner for two at Le Chardon, the chic

French restaurant in Whitehouse Terrace, Edinburgh. There may well be

more goodies to be won as the consul puts the arm, in the nicest

possible way, on more of his French connections.

So what do you dear readers have to do to be among the prizes? Simply

send us your anecdotes, or personal memories, or stories which capture

the spirit of the Auld Alliance.

For instance, if Sir David Stirling, the Scottish soldier and founder

of the SAS, were still alive he would qualify for his story about the

time he met General de Gaulle. It was in 1941 when the French were

defeated but de Gaulle, leader of the Free French forces, still had his

Gallic pride.

Stirling was given the job of telling de Gaulle that the Free French

parachute regiment was to be merged and come under British control. The

meeting had not progressed too far when de Gaulle uttered his favourite

phrase: ''Non, absolutement pas.'' Stirling swore quietly, but not

quietly enough that the general could not hear him.

Haud on, said de Gaulle in French, is that a Scottish accent you've

got? Yes, mon general, Stirling replied, I am Scots through and through

and brought up in the great tradition of the Auld Alliance between

Scotland and France against the English.

Oh well that's different, said de Gaulle. Let's talk about this. And

half an hour later Stirling hd persuaded the big man to merge the French

paras into the British, sorry Scottish, commandos.

In a similar vein, Mike Ashmore of Biggar (who describes himself as

late of the Royal Scots) describes a visit by the First Battalion to the

town of Larzac in the South of France for a month's training. The troops

were quite looking forward to the experience, as were the officers.

But when they arrived, they found the local mayor had decreed the town

out of bounds to British soldiers because of a bit of bad behaviour by

the English regiment which previously had been billeted there. The Royal

Scots commanding officer sought an interview with the mayor, quoted

chapter and verse from the long history of the Auld Alliance, and came

out with agreement from the mayor that the ban was lifted. But with the

caveat that the Royal Scots had to wear their tartan trews when out on

the town.

Auld Alliance contributions -- of a military, sporting, or social

nature -- to the Diary at the usual address. Winners will be announced

before M Richard leaves later this month to become French ambassador to

Uzbekistan. That's a promotion for him, by the way.

Family at war

WE continue on a historical note with a wee look at Bonnie Prince

Charlie: Fact and Fiction, an exhibition which opens today at the

Kelvingrove Art Gallery in Glasgow.

The show has been put together by Bob Woosnam Savage, a Welshman, with

the aim of scotching some myths about the Jacobite story in general and

Charlie in particular. First the fiction put about by none other than

Billy Connolly that BPC was ''an effeminate Italian dwarf''. he was of

Scottish-Polish origin and was 5ft 10in tall. The exhibition doesn't

explore the effeminacy bit.

Second, the 1745 uprising, culminating in the Battle of Culloden, was

the last Scotland versus England battle. It was more a case of a family

at war, says curator Woosnam. BPC and Butcher Cumberland were cousins

and it was all about who was going to be in charge of the family

business, or monarchy of Britain.

Bonnie Prince Charlie wasn't all that bonnie later in life. He was a

drunken wife-beater. The portrait of him at 64 tells it all.

When Bonnie Charlie sailed awa' it was not a case of ''better loved ye

couldnae be''. His own commander, Lord George Murray, wrote a letter to

BPC after Culloden placing the blame firmly on his royal highness's

shoulders.

One thing is not in doubt in the exhibition -- how much the Duke of

Cumberland, King George's brother, detested the Scots. ''This vile spot

(Scotland),'' he wrote, ''may still be the ruin of this island and of

our family.''

* Our Hanoverian royal family continue to benefit from Culloden. The

BPC exhibition catalogue, posters, and leaflet feature a detail from a

painting called An incident in the rebellion of 1745. It is part of the

royal family's collection and each time it is used a payment has to be

made to the Queen's coffers.

Stamping ground

TO continue the historical theme let us turn our attention to efforts

to impeach the current person of German descent to occupy the throne.

A chap by the name of Robbie The Pict, self-styled cultural attache of

the Pictish High Commission, is trying to have our own dear Queen

charged with reset of the Stone of Destiny. To this end he is engaged in

an earnest correspondence with Buckingham Palace.

The palace deny any criminal liability and keep trying to tell Robbie

the Pict that they consider the matter to be closed. In a nice little

touch, Buckingham Palace insist on replying to his letters by calling

him R T Pict, Esq.