THE league of nations that is the English Premiership kicks off this afternoon with more record-breaking buys than ever before but, where once any club with championship aspirations would insist on having a Scottish backbone, such is our on-field influence down south, we struggle to put together a few five-a-side teams.
It is indicative of the lack of productivity north of the border that two of our most reputable representatives across the vorder, Gary McAllister and Colin Hendry, will soon be slipping on their tartan slippers but here is how the Premiership Scots might line up
Flowers of Scotland
Gordon Greer (captain) From Broadwood to Ewood in the space of a year, Greer is now a million miles from the weekly poundings he took with Port Glasgow in the rough-house of the Joonyurs. Graeme Souness, a pioneer in the late 70s as the first football hard man to get away with a poodle-perm and perma-tan, has a keen eye for a tough guy. After all, he signed Eyal Berkovic for Southampton. Greer, though, has more to his game than the ability to hack and did enough in his spell at Clyde to warrant a (pounds) 200,000 transfer fee. Unlike the majority of his team-mates, he is likely to push for a first-team place this season.
Stephen Caldwell has already made his international debut for Scotland, albeit in the ill-received experiment against Poland, but being handed the No.30 shirt by Wor Bobby for the new season suggests his time has not yet been served in his Newcastle apprenticeship. Ditto his wee brother, Gary, but what chance of them emulating the Charltons?
Michael Stewart has been hailed as the new Gordon Strachan. Nothing to do with the fact he's ginger and plays for Manchester United. Midfielder with a lot of potential, says Sir Alex Ferguson confidently and Craig Brown hopefully, but what chance of him displacing Messrs Beckham, Keane, Scholes, Giggs, Veron, Butt, etc? An Alex Notman-style move likely to follow shortly.
Darren Fletcher is another reared at United's Carrington Academy but, for the time being, consigned to the role of extra in this Dynasty.
Steven Ferguson (sub) Less than a year ago was plying his trade with East Fife but sealed a dream move to Spurs and will be hoping to follow in the footsteps of Steve Archibald.
Hadrian's V
Matt Elliott (captain) Combat 18 lookalike who would much rather stay with Leicester than move to the SPL, thank you very much. Big bruiser whose international career was almost ended by a sending-off against Faroes until Brown realised he was the best English defender we have. Not to be mistaken with Richard Fairbrass from Right Said Fred or Karl Ready at Motherwell. Oooh, behave.
Dominic Matteo England under-21 internationalist who could also have played for Italy. Plumped instead for Scotland if only to stop that phone pest Brown.
Neil Sullivan has seen off the threat of Ian Walker since his (pounds) 5m move from Wimbledon to Tottenham so should have little trouble in overcoming the challenge of new signing Kasey Keller. Scotland's No.1 for the foreseeable future, at least until Robert Douglas gets that classic from The Clash out of his head, Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Way-aye, man, Don Hutchison has returned to his roots in the North-East of England and assumed the Sunderland captaincy. His manager, self-confessed Celtic fanatic Peter Reid, could claim to be just as Scottish (he can name all the Lisbon Lions . . . and without swearing) but Hutchison's conversion was complete with that goal against the English.
Struggling for a fifth Anglo here, so step forward, Alan Stubbs, as the honorary Scot. Well, the Scousers are almost Scottish anyway. Successful career with Celtic and was taken into the nation's bosom as he fought - and won - a battle with cancer.
Hit The Road, Jocks
Alex Cleland (captain) Sold to Rangers by former Dundee United manager Ivan Golac, along with Gary Bollan, for (pounds) 650,000 ''so I can buy some good players'', Cleland is best remembered for the humiliating 'meg' by Alessandro Del Piero five years ago. Walter Smith found him waiting at Goodison Park and the full back has spent the best part of three years on the treatment table. Expect an SPL return soon.
Scot Gemmill Looks nothing like his dad, plays nothing like his dad. That aside, he has managed to enjoy a long career in England's top flight with Nottingham Forest and Everton. Astonishingly, he has also accumulated 16 caps.
Greg Shields was hailed as the next big thing when Charlton Athletic came a-huntin' in Dunfermline. Scotland honours were expected of the one-time Rangers reserve but after a promising start in England, he soon found himself out of the picture at Valley Parade.
Jean Tigana has been handed a blank cheque by Fulham owner Mohamed Al Fayed with which to chase the Harrod's owner's Premiership dream and so Kieran McAnespie, Scotland's hamper boy during World Cup 98, might have to pack his own bags before too much longer.
From a hamper boy to a one-time baggage handler at Stranraer harbour, Kevin Kyle's ship came in when Sunderland offered him a trial. A ringer for Duncan Ferguson in terms of style, stature, and daft-boyishness, he scored 30 goals in his first season in the reserves. The arrival of Lilian Laslandes, though, might hamper his progress.
Broon's bravehearts
Colin Hendry (captain) Still miffed that he was overlooked in favour of Mel Gibson in Tinseltown and Lorenzo Amoruso at Ibrox but the 36-year-old has recovered from those bitter blows to prove he is still the all-action hero. Turned his hand to WWF with a triple elbow-smash which, according to San Marino, ''almost killed'' Nicola Albani, ''He fell like a sack of spuds,'' claimed the claymore-wielding one. A role in Rocky VI awaits.
Craig Burley left Celtic after a fall-out with John Barnes, who considered Eyal Berkovic a better midfield bet. And to think the one-time Anfield rapper is now giving advice on spread-betting. Revelling in his role as Derby County captain, the Rams are thinking big after capturing the White Feather, Fabrizio Ravanelli.
With Richard Gough having brought the curtain down on his career just shy of the big four-o, David Weir will attempt to form a formidable partnership with Stubbs at the heart of Everton's defence. However, with Gazza injured again and Michael Ball's future uncertain, a sticky end is predicted for Walter's Toffeemen.
Gary Naysmith Another member of Everton's five-strong Scots corner and certain to increase his number of caps this year. Just smile a bit, son. Faces stiff competition, though, from Callum Davidson, whose return to the Premiership with Blackburn will do his chances no harm.
No, nae, never
Duncan Ferguson (captain) Big Dunc ceased being a Scotland player the moment he was sent down for a head-butt on John McStay at Ibrox in 1994 but still wears his heart on his sleeve or, more accurately, Everton's crest on his bicep. Move to Partick Thistle beckons, if only to compare doos with John Lambie.
Gary McAllister Probably as bored as the rest of us over the will he/won't he saga. Booed against the Czech Republic but has been forgiven after enjoying an Indian Summer at Anfield. Reality check: How can he be expected to reproduce his club form when he doesn't have the likes of Fowler, Owen, and Heskey in front of him of?
Alex Rae Overcome his personal demons, namely the drink, and is a pivotal part of Peter Reid's plans on Wearside but while Scotland often resort to selecting out-of-favour strikers, opportunities in midfield are rarer and Rae is ignored.
John Collins, or Joan as he is know for his silky smoothness, stopped playing for Scotland a year ago to concentrate on his club career. Reunited with his former Monaco manager, Jean Tigana, at Fulham and although at the veteran stage of his career is still believed to have the washboard stomach that so impressed his former international coach.
Colin Calderwood Not much older than old Braveheart but injury has forced the former Tottenham defender to retire. Has since returned to White Hart Lane as reserve coach and will only consider a return to international duty if Scotland are desperate. Stay by the phone, big man.
DARRYL BROADFOOT
