SCOTLAND'S new celeb magazine Hiya! was launched this week with a wander around comedienne Elaine C Smith's home - that's some size of stainless steel fridge by the way, Elaine. The gossip at the launch party was that Carol Smillie was first approached, but although she likes doing up people's homes, she's not too keen on showing off her own. She wanted to charge #5000 for the privilege. Instead, Elaine would do it for free - just as long as the mag paid #400 for a make-up artist to come out and give her a dust down first. Can the Diary be gallant and say she doesn't need it.
AN interviewer for Ulster TV was doing a vox pop and asked a passer-by: ''Do you think David Trimble will stick to his guns on decommissioning?'' and just didn't understand when the interviewee burst out laughing. Credit is due to UTV, as we are told that they broadcast it in full.
FORMER Herald reporter John Cooney, now working in Dublin, has become embroiled in the bizarre story of the Archbishop and the self-abusing monkey.
No, it's not one of those tedious jokes, but the gossip about the former Archbishop of Dublin John McQuaid. Our John has just finished a biography of the Archbishop, and
was called in as arbiter when an Irish
newspaper claimed that the late Archbishop crept out one night with a .22 rifle and
shot dead a monkey in Dublin Zoo which was, according to the Sunday World, ''addicted to masturbation''.
The Archbishop was afraid, apparently, that the monkey, Adolphus, was setting a bad example to children visiting the zoo, and took the matter into his own hands,
as it were, when the zoo refused to do anything about it.
Our Mr Cooney has now declared that he has heard the story from a number of sources and believes it to be true, but with the Archbishop now dead, no-one will ever know for sure.
But it could well be the first case of a
Primate shooting a primate.
EDINBURGH council leader Donald Anderson's vigorous management style is a bit of a
culture shock after the courtly demeanour of the previous incumbent, Keith Geddes.
The approach of the ''ayatollah'', as some staff have unkindly nicknamed him, has officials quaking. In fact, one official has recently been wearing a portable blood-pressure monitor. As one colleague explained to us: ''As soon as Councillor Anderson gets up a head of steam, the beeper goes off and exit one harassed official.''
AT a recent meeting of the Strathclyde Passenger Transport Authority one of the officials was explaining that a concord had been reached with Ibrox after the past misunderstandings regarding what he was very careful not to call the Clockwork Orange.
There had been suggestions, you may recall, that staff were refusing to run the service when there were Sunday matches at Ibrox. In fact, the official pointed out that they had received many letters from Rangers supporters questioning the religious allegiance of the authority. Councillor Jim McNally exclaimed: ''Letters? Letters? You mean these people can write?'' nailing his tricolour firmly to the mast, we would suggest.
SCOTRAIL'S announcements continue to fascinate. Gordon Hanley tells us that during the disruption caused by flooding last week, the ticket collector on an Airdrie train was heard over the train announcement system asking the driver what was to happen to passengers wanting to travel on the Yoker line.
As a mobbed train of passengers
late for work listened to this
private conversation with bated
breath, the reply came back: ''They're on tae plums by the way.'' Says
Gordon: ''I don't know if this is included in the ScotRail book of reasons why we're late.''
AN elderly lady in Brora had been sold,
by a couple of Irish likely larrikins, an
item of furniture purporting to be a
bed-settee. According to December's Police magazine, it stubbornly resisted being turned into anything, but remained set in its ways as a settee.
To the credit of the Northern Constabulary, the salesmen were traced and questioned. They attempted evasion but one of the Brora polis asked them to explain in detail the precise actions needed to convert the sofa to a bed, to which one replied: ''Have you tried lying down on it?''
A NEBBY wee Killie five-year-old was constantly bragging in his class about his redecorated bedroom. ''Ah've goat a Star Wars duvet cover, Star Wars pillowcases, and Star Wars wallpaper - tons a Star Wars stuff.'' He went on and on boasting and, as he was interrupting the lesson, the teacher finally threatened that she would have to go round to the house and talk to his dad.
A flash of trepidation crossed his
face and he quickly said: ''Well, it's no the hoose with the Star Wars curtains, so it's no.''
WE have received a Christmas card from Isobel MacDonald of Brodick, the front of which depicts Santa on a green Arran slope with a CalMac ship steaming (or dieseling, or whatever it is that CalMac boats do these days) up the Firth of Clyde.
Isobel points out, correctly, that Santa is wearing nail varnish, a confirmation of something we had always suspected, that Santa is, in fact, a woman.
THAT seamlessly leads us into our Christmas countdown story today in which a member of the sisterhood tells us why Santa can't possibly be a man:
n Men can't pack a bag.
n Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
n Men don't answer their mail.
n Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
n Being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
FINALLY, it's not the readers' fault, but we have to be extra careful with Diary
stories we are sent just now. To give an example. We are told of the Glasgow beggar who put a bit of ingenuity into his pleading by saying: ''Haw chief, for a silly donation I'll gie ye a bit of information that could save your life.''
Intrigued, the money is handed over and the mendicant would tell his financial donors: ''Never take a lift hame in a car fae Edward Kennedy.''
It's a good story, but unfortunately it comes from Not The Worst of Tom Shields, Mainstream #9.99, a new publication which is an amalgamation of Tom's first two
compilations of Diary stories.
So people buy the book, read the stories, tell someone, and they send them back to us. But we promise to be on guard, and not to recycle them.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article