THE DIARY

Some critics have unkindly suggested it's a method-acting ploy borrowed from Keira's angst-ridden co-star, Adrien Brody. In fact, it was because Keira's return to the land of her Caledonian forebears - her playwright mum, Sharman Macdonald, is Glaswegian - had an all-tootypical Caledonian outcome: Keira caught a cold.

Pedal power

PUNNY business names, revisited. ReaderMuriel Swadel, of Bearsden, reports workmen putting the finishing touches to a shop in Maryhill, Glasgow, called Mud, Sweat and Gears. It's a bicycle shop.

Close call

RED magazine's current edition contains an advert for a "girls' getaway" at the Turnberry Westin Hotel. When a reader phoned about the hotel's "Desperate Housewives one-night break", a bored-sounding receptionist told her the offer entailed an overnight stay for two female friends, complete with champagne, spa treatment, chocolates, HaagenDazs ice cream and an in-room movie. She was on the verge of booking when the monotone voice continued: "It's a classic twin room, but you can put the beds together to make a king-size."Our informant signed off, declaring she wasn't that desperate.

Age of innocence

SUPPORTING his 14-year-old daughter's school initiative, Glasgow-based Customs and Excise man Graham Williamson took her to workwith him, ending up at Custom House, Greenock, to view the contraband exhibited in its museum. Says Graham: "The exhibits include filled condoms, as used by/recovered from 'stuffers and swallowers', which my daughter - bless her - thought were smuggled sausages."One of Graham's colleagues then pointed them towards the Long Room, with its Coke machine. Graham refrained from remarking that anything's possible in Greenock as his daughter earnestly whispered: "Do they really have a machine that gives out cocaine?"

Life in the fast lane

THE late Mike CampbellLamerton captained Scotland and the British Lions at rugby. As a schoolboy, Mike survived a javelin that pierced his chest. As a young soldier in Korea, he was miraculously unwounded after standing on a landmine. Fittingly, a rugby injury introduced Mike to his wife, spectating at the game in which he was hurt. As she possessed a sports car, she was ordered to get Mike to hospital forthwith. According to family lore, the accident-prone Mike knew this was the gal for him when she was introduced with the words: "This young woman will drive you at breakneck speed."

Dangerous liaisons

HECKLING traditions at the long-gone GlasgowApollo, continued. Joe Donaghy and his pals mistakenly went to a sparsely-attended gig by a hippyish band from England, The Enid.

As non-fans, Joe and cohorts were the only folk barracking the group.

That was until one member of The Enid asked Joe's party to desist by saying he'd waited all his life to play the Apollo, having been born nearby - in Edinburgh. "Almost immediately the rest of the audience joined in with verbal abuse, " recalls Joe.

Insult to injury

STAFF at Glasgow University are commending their cost-cutting principal, SirMuir Russell, for his way with a euphemism.

Announcing a major programme of voluntary redundancies in an e-mail to staff, SirMuir states: "It will be particularly intended for . . . helping colleagues whose skills or aspirations are now less aligned with the university's requirements, to move on."

Man of letters

WE'RE unsure whether this is another cost-cutting measure, but Glasgow University's 46ft glass-fibre replica tyrannosaurus rex, nicknamed Millie, is tomorrow due for removal from the berth on University Avenue she's occupied since 2001.

Outraged students have begun an internet protest - log on to petitiononline. com/millie - that threatens direct action to prevent Millie's eviction.

It's been signed by an undergraduate who styles himself "Macho FrankGilligan", suggesting the dinosaur remains while the adjacent library be removed instead. Undermining his argument somewhat, Macho Frank has spelt dinosaur incorrectly.