They appear, as manna from heaven, to the hungry reveller. But what
are they? Where are they from? An intrepid Stephen McGinty unearths the
fascinating fast-food facts.
''Kebabs! Why are you asking me? What do I know about them?'' -- Shop
assistant in the Kebab Palace, Argyle Street, Glasgow.
THERE is only one choice on a Saturday night after the pubs have
pulled their last pint and a club has been crossed off the list. It
comes wrapped in paper, resembles a white brick, and sits in your
stomach in a similar style. Where once fish suppers proved the standard
Saturday-night fare, the kebab has moved in and battered them.
Now the meaty stack rotating in the window is potent enough to reel in
the most reluctant drunk from 50 paces to the counter. There, he or she
can ask for a ''donnereverythingonit'' and receive a package containing
what resembles the contents of a pumped stomach. Yet how much is known
about the noble kebab? We ask and answer --
Everything You've Ever Wanted To Know About Kebabs . . . But Were
Afraid (Or Too drunk) To Ask.
Where do they originate? Turkey often takes the credit for creating
the ''marvellous meat'', but gastronomes believe no one country is
responsible for the consequences. Other claimants for the kebab crown
include the Balkans, Yugoslavia, Iran, and Pakistan.
How did they get into this country? It was the favourite dish of
European traders at Surat on the north-west Indian coast during the
eighteenth century, but it took 200 years more to work across to Paris,
whence it soon spread to Britain.
What are they made of? Donner kebabs are mostly made of lamb mixed
with herbs and spices. Shish kebabs, eaten on wooden or metal skewers,
range from lamb and beef to chicken and fish.
Yeah, but what about the huge thing on the spit? That's the commercial
donner kebab, a mixture of lamb's meat and fat which can weigh up to
60lb. The ratio of meat to fat declines with the price shops pay to buy
them. Many shops serve donners that consist of 40% fat.
Is selling kebabs a profitable business? Could be. The average Glasgow
donner is bought in from Monarch Foods at between #1.20 and 75p per
pound, depending on meat content. A 40lb donner can produce around
80-100 kebabs at an average of #2 per portion.
Why do we eat them only when drunk? ''Tradition,'' slurred Tom from
Paisley outside the Kebab Palace in Argyle Street. Other opinions
differ: ''It's quick, handy to hold, and you can get tore in,'' said
John Mohammed from Chapati 4 Take-away. ''I don't know,'' said Shahram
Baktiar of the Istanbul Express. ''In our country we eat meat first then
we drink. Here everything's backwards.''
Can they be used to combat a hangover? The high fat content in kebabs
can counter the effects of the acid produced by alcohol swirling in your
stomach. Anyway, what is this? A commercial?
Do they possess the qualities of an aphrodisiac? Er, no, not quite. It
seems that both sexes have remained immune to the distinctive charm of
breath reeking of meat mingled with spicy tomatoes. Also, as yet no
kebab shop has seen the marketing potential of mixing ground rhino-horn
into the sauce.
Can they be described as a health food? Yes, if you're the owner of
the Istanbul Express on Byres Road, Mr Kierim Okan, who said: ''They're
good for the body, packed with protein, salad, and meat. It's a health
food.''
Would the department of environmental health agree? Not in some cases.
It believes the donner kebab is potentially the most dangerous of fast
foods because of the amount of handling it receives and the nagging
suspicion that it is often heated or reheated inadequately.
Any other examples of kebabs being dangerous to health? In India
during the eighteenth century, almost 100 of an 800-strong battalion
died of gluttony and alcoholism after a year of inactivity and daily
five-course meals. Kebabs were rumoured to be on the menu.
Can you name the first Arab gourmet to document kebabs? Sure, he was
Muhammad ibn al-Hasan ibn-Muhammad ibn al Karim-al Kalib al Baghdadi,
known to his friends as ''al-Baghdadi''.
How have they been treated by literature down through the years? They
made an appearance in Homer's Iliad when he described how Achilles
entertained Odysseus outside the walls of Troy.
Have they been used as cheap jokes by popular comics? Of course. Phil
Kay came up with the notion that avid addicts of the spiced meat in the
flour envelope could be weaned off with redesigned nicorette patches.
While in Only An Excuse Johnathon Watson cracked a few funny bones into
the ribs of Rangers' Ian Durrant about his new movie, In Bed With My
Donner.
Heard any good kebab ancedotes? Well, there is the one about the girl
who was getting dressed after a drunken one-night stand and panicked
when she saw what she thought was her lover's colostomy bag. After
closer inspection, it turned out to be his kebab that he'd kept in a
clear plastic bag by his bed.
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