They appear, as manna from heaven, to the hungry reveller. But what

are they? Where are they from? An intrepid Stephen McGinty unearths the

fascinating fast-food facts.

''Kebabs! Why are you asking me? What do I know about them?'' -- Shop

assistant in the Kebab Palace, Argyle Street, Glasgow.

THERE is only one choice on a Saturday night after the pubs have

pulled their last pint and a club has been crossed off the list. It

comes wrapped in paper, resembles a white brick, and sits in your

stomach in a similar style. Where once fish suppers proved the standard

Saturday-night fare, the kebab has moved in and battered them.

Now the meaty stack rotating in the window is potent enough to reel in

the most reluctant drunk from 50 paces to the counter. There, he or she

can ask for a ''donnereverythingonit'' and receive a package containing

what resembles the contents of a pumped stomach. Yet how much is known

about the noble kebab? We ask and answer --

Everything You've Ever Wanted To Know About Kebabs . . . But Were

Afraid (Or Too drunk) To Ask.

Where do they originate? Turkey often takes the credit for creating

the ''marvellous meat'', but gastronomes believe no one country is

responsible for the consequences. Other claimants for the kebab crown

include the Balkans, Yugoslavia, Iran, and Pakistan.

How did they get into this country? It was the favourite dish of

European traders at Surat on the north-west Indian coast during the

eighteenth century, but it took 200 years more to work across to Paris,

whence it soon spread to Britain.

What are they made of? Donner kebabs are mostly made of lamb mixed

with herbs and spices. Shish kebabs, eaten on wooden or metal skewers,

range from lamb and beef to chicken and fish.

Yeah, but what about the huge thing on the spit? That's the commercial

donner kebab, a mixture of lamb's meat and fat which can weigh up to

60lb. The ratio of meat to fat declines with the price shops pay to buy

them. Many shops serve donners that consist of 40% fat.

Is selling kebabs a profitable business? Could be. The average Glasgow

donner is bought in from Monarch Foods at between #1.20 and 75p per

pound, depending on meat content. A 40lb donner can produce around

80-100 kebabs at an average of #2 per portion.

Why do we eat them only when drunk? ''Tradition,'' slurred Tom from

Paisley outside the Kebab Palace in Argyle Street. Other opinions

differ: ''It's quick, handy to hold, and you can get tore in,'' said

John Mohammed from Chapati 4 Take-away. ''I don't know,'' said Shahram

Baktiar of the Istanbul Express. ''In our country we eat meat first then

we drink. Here everything's backwards.''

Can they be used to combat a hangover? The high fat content in kebabs

can counter the effects of the acid produced by alcohol swirling in your

stomach. Anyway, what is this? A commercial?

Do they possess the qualities of an aphrodisiac? Er, no, not quite. It

seems that both sexes have remained immune to the distinctive charm of

breath reeking of meat mingled with spicy tomatoes. Also, as yet no

kebab shop has seen the marketing potential of mixing ground rhino-horn

into the sauce.

Can they be described as a health food? Yes, if you're the owner of

the Istanbul Express on Byres Road, Mr Kierim Okan, who said: ''They're

good for the body, packed with protein, salad, and meat. It's a health

food.''

Would the department of environmental health agree? Not in some cases.

It believes the donner kebab is potentially the most dangerous of fast

foods because of the amount of handling it receives and the nagging

suspicion that it is often heated or reheated inadequately.

Any other examples of kebabs being dangerous to health? In India

during the eighteenth century, almost 100 of an 800-strong battalion

died of gluttony and alcoholism after a year of inactivity and daily

five-course meals. Kebabs were rumoured to be on the menu.

Can you name the first Arab gourmet to document kebabs? Sure, he was

Muhammad ibn al-Hasan ibn-Muhammad ibn al Karim-al Kalib al Baghdadi,

known to his friends as ''al-Baghdadi''.

How have they been treated by literature down through the years? They

made an appearance in Homer's Iliad when he described how Achilles

entertained Odysseus outside the walls of Troy.

Have they been used as cheap jokes by popular comics? Of course. Phil

Kay came up with the notion that avid addicts of the spiced meat in the

flour envelope could be weaned off with redesigned nicorette patches.

While in Only An Excuse Johnathon Watson cracked a few funny bones into

the ribs of Rangers' Ian Durrant about his new movie, In Bed With My

Donner.

Heard any good kebab ancedotes? Well, there is the one about the girl

who was getting dressed after a drunken one-night stand and panicked

when she saw what she thought was her lover's colostomy bag. After

closer inspection, it turned out to be his kebab that he'd kept in a

clear plastic bag by his bed.