IAN Pattison is the mercurial and talented writer whose work with the

BBC Scotland comedy unit has given many a laugh. Mr Pattison is best

known for Rab C Nesbitt, he of the string vest and robust language. We

interrupted Mr Pattison while he was writing the Nesbitt Christmas

special to ask him these Burning Questions:

* In the Rab C Nesbitt Christmas Special Show, will the family turkey

be shoplifted from Iceland or Capital?

Unless I extract my finger from my wishbone and get writing, the

Nesbitt special will be the turkey.

* Will a Tiny Tim be involved?

No, Fergus McCann isn't in it.

* In the wildest reaches of your imagination, could you have created a

character like Fergus McCann?

No, he is my favourite character in fiction.

* When will you launch the chain of Rab C Nesbitt merchandise stores?

Which designer will you use for Rab's vests?

Eerily enough, we're having talks with Gerald and Vera Weisfeld. On

the reasoning that when Rab stands between those two, it takes the bad

look off what he's wearing. On the designer question, I've met with

Gianni, Donna, Giorgio, Ralph, and Yves. But I'll stick with my original

impulse and go with Partick Curtains.

* Is Rab too sexy for his vest?

You wouldn't say that if you'd seen him with it off. He has a belly

like a baboon's arse.

* Talk us through Rab's underpants.

Sure. The number's 0898 330 2370. Have your credit card ready.

* While Rab is immediately recognisable as Scottish, he is also a

universal figure who rises above parochial imperatives. What school did

he go to?

Restitution Street Primary, Govan. Then on to St Metalwork High.

* What school did you go to?

Johnstone High. (Mr MacLeod, if you're sitting in the Thorn Inn

reading this, how's it going? Ex-buccaneering full-back Pattison says

Hullo.)

* As one of our most successful writers in authentic dialect, faur div

ye staun oan spierin an scrievin in the Scots leid?

Am I right in thinking that you wrote the first half of the above

question in the morning, and that everything following the comma was

composed after, ahem, ''lunch''? Shall we move on?

* What do you say to critics who accuse you of presenting English

audiences with a caricature of the West of Scotland through your Rab C

Nesbitt character?

I don't say anything. I just move away quickly before they start

reaching into their briefcase to show me the sitcom they've written.

* Hollywood wants you to write a Scottish film. What's the title,

what's it about, who's in it, and how are you going to spend the #1m

screenwriting fee?

Reservoir Masons. Starring Jack Nicholson as Archie McPherson, Glenn

Close as Hazel Irvine, and a fluffy bath mat as Donald Finlay, QC. As

for the fee, I wouldn't spend it. I'd wheel it round to the Glasgow 1

tax office in Blythswood Square, straight to the office of the man who

has my file, tip it on the floor, get down on my knees and whimper:

''Will this do?''

* Seriously, what troubles you most about life in Scotland Today?

There's nowhere left to buy a floral rain-mate.

Big noises

TRAPPIST monks have been speaking out at the 1994 Glasgow Ale

Festival.

Well, not really, since Trappists are sworn to silence.

But sundry Euro-ale activists have been making a noise on behalf of

these brewing monks from the Low Countries whose famous beers are being

ripped off by imitators.

The campaign for real Trappist ale is being organised by Britain's

Camra and their Dutch counterparts who rejoice in the acronym PINT. An

enthusiast can tell the difference: ''A Trappist ale has something

devout, something mystical.''

Some of the beers on offer at the festival in the Arches, Midland

Street, Glasgow, until Saturday are slightly less mystical. One is

called Giddy Ass and we were slightly put off our sample when one chap

at the opening was heard to ask his chum: ''Can I have a sniff of your

Giddy Ass?''