Hey, yo – does the guy who won the Cold War really need to introduce himself? Huhhuhhuh. Y’know, it’s been a long time since I ran up that Russian mountain with nothing but a beard, leather jacket and an unbreakable spirit, but I'm sure you all still recognise me. My face hasn’t changed much – same as how it looked after 15 rounds with Drago huhhuh.

Y'know, I actually didn't realise a facelift would stretch the eyebrow tats too, but McDonalds pay me real good money for advertising the arches, y’know? Huhhuh. I’ve been told I remind people of Marc Almond now. I mean, a Roman general? That’s actually a nice compliment, respectful, y’know?

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Yeah, respect is important. It’s why I chose Mexicans for Rambo 5: Last Blood’s indiscriminate slaughter. Yo, respect the border - only fight in your own ring, y'know? Ain’t nobody here likes spicy food, military grade weaponry or class A drugs pure as the driven snow anyhow.

Hey, I do hope this new movie was worth the effort – my last one didn’t do too good. Y’know, I sure didn’t write Creed 2 as a comedy but that’s what happens when you let the audience see your wig in goddam high definition.

Maybe it’s all over for old school tough guys like me anyway. Y’know, the whole world used to love watching Rambo skewer some foreign soldier’s skull with a bow and arrow. But now? There's not really a place for bulletproof hulking monstrosities brutally slaying imaginary enemies to societally solidify US governmental geopolitical bias, y’know?

Yeah, these damn phones have made even the dumbest folks like me smart – everybody knows there’s no good guys or bad guys now. Just chumps and bums the world over. My old fanbase, all those white kids looking for moral guidance? Well, this new generation actually think it’s funny when I slaughter an army of Cambodian paedophiles with a butter knife. They got no respect – I don’t make comedies, y’know? Not even Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot – that definitely wasn’t a comedy.

Crossing Jordan

NOTHING ever really changes in this world – every real man will always want to gut his enemies with a rusty harpoon. It’s primal, y’know?  But people these days ain’t interested in instinct and what’s right - forget  any aspirational depictions of masculinity indulging in grotesque fascist power fantasies to reaffirm the societal dominance of the white male, y’know?

Yeah it looks like it might be all over for the likes of me, but there’s always some younger guy biting at your heels with new ways of doing old tricks - and it seems some smart-mouthed academic psychologist, Jordan B Peterson, has picked up the ball for the disenfranchised white male, yo. But this guy don’t need no training montages to inspire and motivate – just tells his fans to get a grip and man up with some fancy talk. I’d have crunched on this skinny bum like a breadstick back in the day – but it’s brains not brawn that impresses kids these days. They’ve read the whole internet, y’know?

Even I have to admit Peterson is the dominant alpha of this age, like I was from 1979 to halfway through 1991. Difference was, before Oscar, I tried to give the little people some hope, y’know? I was clearing out enemy forces with an uzi to create a better  world. But you can’t sell hope now. Only hate has worth. And yeah, that sounds familiar because I said it in First Blood.

Check your male

YO, don’t be surprised that a smart guy like Peterson’s on my radar. We’re both chasing the same dollar, y’know? And I had already covered Jungian theory, lobster hierarchies, Solzhenitsyn and transgender activism in Cobra. Yo, that movie had more layers than Carpetright.

Y’know, before Peterson, it was guys like me giving disaffected kids the paternal encouragement and affirmation they were missing. So I knew right away this funny-looking college chump was chasing that white male empowerment money – a market I basically invented. What made me really mad was when he linked his website to a video all about Russia, saying it’s now the top country in the world for traditional values that America once represented. Values I went into the ring to protect, y’know?

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Way I see it, Peterson was taunting me, showing me no respect. This bum was suggesting my diplomatic intervention in 1984 was actually directly responsible for Russia becoming the confident capitalist superpower it is today. I mean, yo, if that’s true, I don’t like this world I created – if Russia ain’t evil, what is? Everyone needs a worthy enemy to sharpen themselves against, y’know? I mean, without me, there’s no Jordan Peterson.

Fake it ‘til you make it

SO Peterson won even more damn fans this week and the bum didn’t even have to do anything. Some AI computer program called Deep Fake showed him rapping Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” like he came from the Upper East Side of some crack-ridden ghetto. Only it wasn’t him. It’s the best Deep Fake yet they say, and it went viral – that means the kids loved it. Something that’s not even real, y’know?

I was always real – eye of the tiger for the thrill of the fight. But to rise up to the challenge of my rival, I’m going to have to become fake. I’ll fight fire with fire to get on top again – using the Deep Fake software to remake Creed 2.

This is going to be the true sequel to Rocky 4, no ass-aching father and son melodrama, y’know? Won’t need to re-film anything either, Deep Fake will replace and create anything I want.

Soon, everyone will be able to make their own Deep Fake movies, but I’m an expert with computers – learned all about them in that Russian lab scene in Rocky 4. That was maybe the first-ever Deep Fake movie itself, y’know – whole thing was shot in Vancouver.

Creed 2: Redux

SO, I figure, if I can get away with filming Rocky 4 thousands of miles from Russia, I can easily make a better Deep Fake than Peterson’s Eminem rap to win back my fans. And yo, this revamped Creed 2 just can’t fail, it’s exactly what the world always wanted from a sequel to Rocky 4. I’ve studied what’s popular in cinema today and this new script covers all the bases – it's still a boxing movie, yo, but also a ghost movie, buddy movie, superhero movie and sci-fi movie. Keep everyone happy, y’know?

The first change I make is cutting Adonis Creed out entirely and replacing him with his dad’s ghost, y’know? My soul brother and one true love, back from the dead in spirit form to help me beat Drago again. 

So the plot, yo: I’m 72, and obviously the Boxing Licence Council ain’t too happy with that – so they make me train in zero gravity to see if I’m strong enough. Yeah, I go into space with Apollo's ghost. Sci-fi market covered. So the whole first half of the movie, 55 minutes, is a training montage on the moon that ends with me punching the International Space Station into the sun.

Back on Earth, I fight Drago in Russia again. This is the entire second half of the movie. Scorecards are even until the 12th round – I’m down on the mat. Ref counts, six, seven … but I take off my glove and I’m wearing a strange glowing ring, y’know? Yeah, turns out I got made a Green Lantern while training in space.

A huge hologram fist then springs out my shiny ring and pounds Drago through the mat, leaving a black hole – representing Russia’s soul, y’know? As the crowd chant my name, I look to my corner and see Mickey, Adrian and Apollo all smiling at me. They’re force ghosts now, like Star Wars. Micky shouts: “Not bad for a bum, Rock! Micky loves ya!”

I then spot President Putin in the crowd making a run for it, so I take off my shoe, and throw it – hitting him on the back of the head. His skull explodes and thousands of screaming souls of all history's dictators are released, but they're guided towards heaven by Apollo, Micky and Adrian. Roll credits.

There’s a twist too – I used a super-powered alien ring to win, so end up disqualified. You always need to set up the sequel, y’know? Huhhuhhuh.

And finally ...

Y’KNOW, I’m sure that bum Peterson has had a hair transplant – that’s something real men just don’t do. Me, Sinatra, Mickey Rourke and John Wayne – wigs. Sewing it back in is cheating, you keep your dignity with a nice piece, y'know?

In his book 12 Rules For Life, Peterson says: “Tell the truth – or, at least, don’t lie.” Yeah, well tell me how you were balding and now have hair like a High Court judge? He says some special meat-only diet helped but I used to eat a cow and maybe a few chickens each day and still lost my bouncy mane.

Peterson also says women want men to toughen up. My first date was taking Adrian to the zoo, y’know? She never complained, she loved dumb animals. It was only years later that I got the symbolism – that Adrian and I were the real animals, trapped in a world full of smart guys like Peterson, who make fortunes highlighting differences just to separate and compartmentalise everyone into little orderly little cages, y’know?

And apparently he has opinions on gay couples bringing up kids too, but Rocky’s son turned out fine even though his uncle Paulie was screwing a robot, right?

And that time Peterson said white privilege doesn’t exist? Then tell me how I got away with making the heavyweight champion of the world a white guy?

Follow Bill on twitter: @futureshockbb