Herald Diary: A rude awakening, lunar lines and Tannoy tricks

Step on it

MORE on memories of the Moon Landing as a reader reminds us that it was said that when Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon, went on a speaking tour discussing his exploits, he always used the line, if he told a joke about his moon exploits, and it didn't get a laugh: "Guess you had to be there.'"

Colourful tale

AS the marching season continues, musician Roy Gullane confesses that his band was taken with the fact that there is a Malaysian restaurant in India called the Orange Wok. Once when they were bored in an Asian airport waiting for a flight they asked the information desk to page "Rasashma Farrawoar from the Orange Wok." Well, it helped pass the time.

Table manners

HOW many folk would agree with comedian Kiri Pritchard-McLean, who is appearing at the Edinburgh Fringe next month, when she argued: "People who say 'this is the fun table' at a wedding reception, don’t really know what fun is."

Not a drill

WE see from our sister paper The Evening Times that this Sunday, Bastille Day of course, is the 44th anniversary of the opening of La Bonne Auberge restaurant in Glasgow. We remember owner Maurice Taylor, who wanted to bring some French sophistication to Glasgow dining with La Bonne Auberge, claiming that before he opened it, he went to another so-called French diner in the city and asked for an aperitif, but the Glasgow waitress told him it was a restaurant, not a dental practice.

Snake bite

TEXAN billionaire Ross Perot, who twice stood as an independent candidate in the American presidential elections, has died at the age of 89. We don't think he was a fan of either General Motors, who bought his electronics company, or management consultants. As he once memorably put it: "I come from an environment where if you see a snake you kill it. At General Motors, if you see a snake, the first thing you do is hire a consultant on snakes.''

Oh and during one of the televised presidential debates, he advocated putting up fuel tax and declared: "If you have a better idea, I'm all ears.'' The audience roared with laughter as Ross did indeed have prominent ears. To be fair, he worked out what they were laughing, and joined in.

On a roll

WE asked about food-at-work stories and Richard Gault sends us the ribald tale: "At Airdrie in 1972 we had a gaffer in the police who every nightshift would have the van crew go to his house where his wife would have left his piece in a bag hanging from the front door.

Fed up with this task, one of the cops took action.

"I'm told that the look on the Sergeant's face was priceless when he bit into his roll and found what he thought was a used condom. Condensed milk in a new one, tie knot, and insert into Jake Dalziel the baker's finest roll. No more message boy jobs – result, as they would say nowadays."

Maybe later

TODAY'S piece of whimsy comes from Tony Cowards who says: "If procrastination was an Olympic event, I’d never actually get around to entering."