Naked attraction

A GLASGOW businessman tells us of a colleague, a chap careful with his money, who bragged about buying a flat in a more challenging district of Glasgow because it was so cheap. Unfortunately his house was broken into and items stolen. Perhaps through hubris he felt he should be compensated, and was too imaginative financially in his subsequent insurance claim. He then panicked when told an insurance adjuster was coming out to discuss his extravagant claims. His solution? When the adjuster called round, he stood at the door naked, stating he had just come out of the shower, and invited the chap in. The conversation only lasted a few minutes before the adjuster rapidly left. The claim was met in full.

Eye eye

DAVID Miller is given some ointment from the vet for his dog who has an eye infection. The medicine states on the front “For Animal Use Only”. Which is why David is confused by the warning on the back which states: “Do not wear soft contact lenses while using this product.” I mean, with those large paws, how could they even put them in?

Pack it in

POSSIBLY for the last time, a colleague comes over and interrupts with: “Went to a show with a bunch of backpackers.” I wait. “They were sitting on the edge of their seats,” he added.


WE asked about dealing with pesky cold callers and Norman Lawson says: "My brother-in-law answers (in a quavering voice), 'I’ll just fetch matron.' Click."

Bedroom antics

AN AYRSHIRE reader tells us: "A member of the golf club cheerily announced in the bar yesterday, 'My wife wanted me to try three new positions in the bedroom last night.' He then added, 'But after a lot of huffing and puffing she decided she wanted the dressing table to remain where it was.'"


WE mentioned the more obscure of Chic Murray's stories and Brian Donohoe in Ayrshire suggests: "A couple out on their first date go to the cinema and are in the back row of the balcony (where else) when the girl eating an apple drops it and as it rolls down the seats in front she whispers to her new boyfriend, 'I need to get my apple back'. He looks at her and says, 'I'll buy you another one' but she persists that she needs to get it back.

He responds a tad impatiently, 'Why?' 'Because it's got my false teeth in it'."

Fly guy

TODAY'S piece of whimsy comes from Ian Power who says: "Visiting Cape Town I thought it would have more superheroes than there appears to be."

Read more: Labouring the point