Out the habit

MY last Diary column, and my sincerest of thanks to our perceptive readers who have furnished me with thousands of stories over the years. My debt to you is huge. I will leave you with some of my favourite stories, including former Lord Provost of Glasgow Alex Mosson who was presenting a community service award to a nun from Blackhill when she gave Alex a peck on the cheek. He kissed her back then cheerily announced: "A wee kiss on a nun's cheek is allowed – as long as you don't get into the habit."

Comedy gold

A DEBT collector for a catalogue company once explained to us the predilection for jewellery among the young women of Glasgow's east end. Starting at Calton, such a woman may wear a single gold necklace and a gold sovereign ring. Further east at Parkhead, a local lady may well have three gold necklaces, gold ear-rings, and four gold rings. Continuing out to Carntyne, a resident is often adorned with five necklaces, one of which will spell her name. "And when you get to Easterhouse,'' he said in an awed voice, ''It's like Tutankhamen comes to answer the door.''

A bit ruff

RADIO Clyde's Paul Cooney said one of his favourite Superscoreboard reports was the pundit giving a half-time resume at Aberdeen's Pittodrie when he suddenly announced excitedly: "And there's trouble here on the pitch. Someone has run on the park and is being chased by a police dog. Oh my God! His arm has come off!" It was then gently explained to him that it was a half-time display by Grampian Police dog-handlers.

Blown away

OUR favourite bus story was the woman from Kelvinside who had caught a bus into town but at Byres Road a rough-looking chap, the worse for drink, sat next to her and passed wind so loudly the whole bus could hear it. He then loudly announced: "Don't worry, hen. They'll probably think it was me." She got off at the next stop.

Number's up

A TAXI driver claimed he had picked up a woman in Glasgow on a freezing cold night who was going to an Orange Hall in Maryhill. Making conversation he said, "Bitter." "No me," she replied, "I'm just going to play bingo."

Chinese whispers

RADIO Scotland presenter Fred MacAulay recalled when he walked the Great Wall of China to raise money for charity, and while there, remembered that Scotland were playing in an important football tie. Working out it was now midnight back home, he thought the best option to get the result was to phone BBC security, which he did, explaining he was at the Great Wall of China, and asking for the Scotland score. He then heard the security guy say to his mate: "I've got Fred MacAulay on, pissed in some Chinese restaurant."

Tea time

A READER was at a busy office Christmas do in one of the larger Glasgow hotels which was descending into chaos. Eventually the harassed Glasgow waitress shouted: "Whose for coffee? Whose for tea?" One young girl didn't respond but was coaxed into saying something by the waitress who wouldn't take no for an answer. Eventually the embarrassed girl said she would have a tea and the waitress, trying to reassure her, replied: "It's OK, hen. Don't worry. Ahm the same. Anytime ah go anywhere in public ahm a pain in the arse as well."


WE were in a bar on St Patrick's Day, when an Irish customer asked for a Jameson's with water. When he sipped it he asked the barman: "Which did you put in first?" "The whisky" said puzzled barman. "Ah well, no doubt I'll get to it eventually," he replied.

Suits you

WEDDINGS can be tricky if the divorced father-of-the-bride is bringing his new, younger partner. One bride's mother from Glasgow's G12 was telling her pal she had bought a splendid Armani suit for the wedding. "Are you not worried that your ex's new partner will wear something similar?" her pal asked. "No", she replied. "I checked with Armani. It doesn't go up to that size."

My colleague Lorne Jackson will be taking over the Diary from Monday. Please keep the stories coming – and be gentle with him!