Utterly Ruthless

LABOUR’S conference may have ended tolerably, but it started with an almighty row about a bid to depose deputy leader Tom Watson. Unspun hears relations were so strained at the top, Mr Watson even stayed in a separate hotel from the Corbynistas. Fewer nocturnal knives in the back that way. Meanwhile Ruth Davidson is taking a different approach to her nemesis Boris Johnson’s first conference as Tory leader this weekend. She’s not even bothering to go.

Do the macaroni

A NEW FoI release reveals the humble “bowl food” Nicola Sturgeon serves at Bute House. No Cheesy Wotsits for the FM. Before a recent jolly to the Edinburgh Tattoo, she plied guests with “macaroni cheese, shaved black truffle, rocket and Reggiano curls”, plus a bucket of “honey roast chicken charred lemon and spiced fries, jalapeno chutney with marinated aubergine”. Ah, it’s a hard old life on Charlotte Square.

Dearth Quaich

BUT while digesting her exotic nosh, Ms Sturgeon spurned a traditional dram. After warning her, in bold type, that she would be “in proximity to a live mic” at the Tattoo, in case she committed an act of news, the FM’s instructions said: “Piper and the First Minister will be offered a Quaich (containing water) from a tray presented by a soldier... Both the Lone Piper and the First Minister will drink from Quaichs.” Drink water from a Quaich? Sacrilege!

Reptile House

IF you thought Westminster was full of weird moments this week, you should have been in the Holyrood bar on Thursday, as Highlands Nat Gail Ross showed off her bearded dragon. The adorable pet lizard, named Shady, is the star of dozens of videos on her phone, including one in which he makes short work of a worm. It led to a bond with BBC legend Brian Taylor, who revealed a life-long passion for salamanders and newts. Who says politics is dull?

Self helpless

SO, farewell then, Councillor Jordan James Linden. As Unspun reported last week, ‘JJ’ was being lined up by party powerbrokers to be the SNP’s Westminster candidate in Coatbridge. In a campaign video, he boasted he’d champion local communities on issues like universal credit. “All of this and more will be my priorities,” he said nonsensically. This week, it turned out his priority was, er, himself. He pulled out on Wednesday, declaring he wanted to refocus on being a councillor and “my own health & well-being”. Oops.

Work flight balance

THE hasty withdrawal leaves a lot of ministers looking like mugs. Before he ran away, Justice Secretary Humza Yousaf endorsed JJ as “not afraid to roll up his sleeves and get stuff done”, children’s minister Maree Todd praised his “work ethic”, and Parly business minister Graeme Dey said he was one of the hardest working activists he knew. And in his plug, ex-deputy leader Angus Robertson said Coatbridge needed “an energetic, hard-working and talented SNP candidate who will make a first-class MP”. It would seem it’s still waiting.

Uplifting news

TALKING of Coatbridge, local SNP MSP Fulton MacGregor this week told Holyrood magazine his greatest fear is being stuck in a lift, and he hasn’t been in one since he was six. As many in his feuding SNP branch would say their greatest fear is being stuck in a lift with Mr MacGregor, it comes as a huge relief.

Chess bored

FULTON also boasts about a top family heirloom in his interview, a Lord of the Rings chess set bought in monthly instalments at £20 a piece. “There were only so many in the world. They had a wee jewel thing on it. It’s a collectors item,” he recalls dreamily. By our calculation, that means it cost £640. Mr MacGregor used to be an aide to the justice secretary. How very odd he can’t spot a daylight robbery.