IT was PMQs with a difference. The first VPMQs in fact.
The virtual Boris, floating behind a lectern, was placed before an eerie grey/white No 10 backdrop, giving the impression that he was in a hostage video.
The Downing St One faced a double-devolution-disaster barrage from the chief comrade and the head Nationalist.
Having freshly removed the Islington One from the Parliamentary Labour Party, Sir Keir put the boot in.
“The single biggest threat to the future of the UK is the PM every time he opens his mouth on this,” declared the Labour knight. The comrades liked that.
Bozza sought to clarify his controversial remarks, insisting it was the “Scottish Nationalist Party,” which had created the disaster by using devolution, not to improve the lives of Scots, but to turn it into a “mission to break up the UK and that would be a disaster”.
As Tory hear hears rang around the chamber, Lindsay Hoyle, the Speaker, jumped up to upbraid the Old Etonian, pointing out the SNP’s proper title was, in fact, the Scottish National Party; otherwise, he said the phones would ring hot.
The Downing St One was not impressed. “National not Nationalist, I see,” snapped Boris. The Commons headmaster hit back at Master Johnson: “You can play pedantics another time.”
The devolution-disaster gaffe was then lovingly picked up by the Highlander as Ian Blackford puffed out his chest and argued Boris’s remark had not been a slip of the tongue but a “slip of the Tory mask”.
The SNP chief read out a long list of policies, which showed how great Holyrood had been and how terrible Westminster had been; that it was the PM, “his Parliament” and the prospect of another 20 years of London Government that were the “real disaster” for Scotland.
Bozza rolled his eyes and hit back, insisting he could not disagree more with the head Nat. “He is totally wrong,” he snapped.
He argued the way the UK had pulled together through the pandemic and all that lovely Treasury money flowing over Hadrian’s Wall had “shown its value and would continue to show its value”.
But as the PM warned to his theme, Sir Lindsay cut him off and called another MP. The Downing St One had been silenced in mid-flow.
With delicious irony who should pop up to ask another question but Douglas Ross. Would he? Wouldn’t he?
Looking skywards at the virtual premier, the Scottish Tory champion resisted the temptation to tell him what he really thought of you know what and instead asked about something harmless on growth deals. Yet as he spoke it seemed clear the devolution-disaster subject was reverberating in his head if not on his tongue.
Another subject that dared not speak its name almost materialised when Margaret Ferrier made an appearance or rather she delivered a question via audio; her physical presence replaced by a logo of a ringing phone.
The PM did not mention the MP’s shameful breaking of the coronavirus rules; he didn’t need to. Everyone knows Judgement Day is around the corner in the form of a by-election.
After another dreadful week, Boris made it to the end of PMQs. Virtually.
But, hold on, the Downing St One will make another remote appearance this weekend when he will address, of all things, the Scottish Conservative conference. Politics really is a blood sport.
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