WON’T someone please think of the children? It is the cry of Springfield resident Helen Lovejoy at every town hall meeting in The Simpsons.
Never mind the weans. With UK-EU trade deal talks going nowhere, what about the producers of Sunday morning politics shows?
The Sunday papers could at least look back on a week of negotiations. According to one account, the highs and lows were reflected in the catering. When fancy pizzas were replaced by what one observer called “manky sandwiches”, old hands knew there was trouble afoot.
So to the Sunday shows. How could they say something new about a trade deal when there was nothing new to say?
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To make matters worse, the Minister for the Sunday shows was George Eustice, the Environment Secretary. The MP for Camborne and Redruth was a public relations man in a former life, which means he can be an Olympic standard waffler if the occasion demands.
An early example of this happened on Sky News’ Ridge on Sunday when Mr Eustice said: “We will continue to work on negotiations until there is no point in continuing.”
As it turned out, the Brexiteer and former UKIP-er, was fairly well up on his tariffs and customs declaration chat. He needed to be because Marr had been phoning round, taking the temperature of businesses who would be affected by no deal.
Presenter and Minister batted figures and quotes back and forth, with Marr hoping for an Andy Murray-like killer smash. It did not come.
“Every time I give you evidence of people who are on the front line running businesses or federations, and they say it is not going to be okay, we’re really worried, you simply say it’s going to be okay,” said Marr.
The Scot tried another tack, a quickfire quiz beginning with the question, “January 1 – can I take my dog on holiday with me to France?”
Quick as a whippet, the Minister said yes. But there was a but. The UK was likely to be listed in the EU’s “annexe two”, which meant that whereas in the past the Marr chien would have travelled on a pet passport, now he/she would need a certificate from the vet.
“How much more difficult is that going to be?” barked Marr, sounding like a dog with a bone.
It would involve a trip to the vet conceded the Minister.
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“You need to send blood samples to the vet 30 days before,” countered Marr. Goodness, the Marr clan was pretty keen on this holiday.
Ah, that’s if you are on "the third list", said Mr Eustice.
Second list, third list. As Marr said, it was all quite complicated and going to cause a lot of problems for a lot of people. Brexit summed up in one.
The Minister fared less well against Sophy Ridge. Getting nothing substantial on the trade talks, the presenter turned to the vaccine. How many doses were arriving in the UK this week?
Mr Eustice did not have an answer, but he was sure that if she asked a Health Minister they would know.
It would have been “helpful”, Ridge fired back, if Mr Eustice had spoken to the relevant minister before coming on the programme. Ouch.
Both Marr and Ridge wanted to know if the last minute dashes to Brussels and talks of time running out were political theatre, there for effect, or cold hard reality. They had a point. There have been make or break moments than there are EU member states. How would we know this was “it”, the big one?
Katya Adler, the BBC’s Europe editor, assured Marr the media was on the case. “We’ve all got our Hercule Poirot, Miss Marple outfits on, at least hypothetically.” What a relief she added that last bit, even if reporters dressed as Agatha Christie characters would liven up bulletins no end.
With an EU leaders’ meeting due on Thursday, it did seem as though time was genuinely running out for a deal.
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"I think we probably are now in the final few days in terms of deciding whether there can be an agreement,” Mr Eustice told Marr.
"Of course, if the ambience warms up again and actually great progress is made and it is just about sorting out the detail, then you can always find more time, you can always extend.
"But I think unless we can resolve these quite fundamental divergences at the moment then we are going to have to take a position in the next few days."
Earlier, Marr had spoken to Andrew Lloyd Webber. The composer took part in the Oxford vaccine trials and had his jab in June.
He was full of the joys of what might be happening come next Spring. For a start he could see his new musical, Cinderella, opening in May. Wasn’t that too soon, wondered Marr.
“As they say in South Pacific,” said Lloyd Webber, “I’m a cockeyed optimist.”
There are not many of them to the pound or Euro when it comes to the EU-UK trade talks.
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