THANKS to Boris Johnson for providing me with the happiest of weeks! Now, I know Her Unalloyed Greatness has been saying to the media she’s not happy about the PM’s trip to Caledonia. But the truth is we’ve both secretly been grinning wider than Ian Blackford on finding a forgotten Yorkie bar in his inside tartan coat pocket.
Dinnae think I’m not serious. It’s allowed us to get away with all sorts. What about Her Greatness’s statement about turning down the offer of army help to sort out the piled-up vaccine? “We do not want to put undue burden on the army when we don’t think we necessarily need them.”
Undue burden? We all know they’re doing little else at the moment except marching drill in muddy boots or checking out Michelle Keegan in Our Girl.
And look how we managed to sell the headlines of the £20 million of funding to help support the student people of Scotland – without so much as a referral to me throwing them under a bus back in October.
But as far as my work as Education Secretary goes, I would like to reassure your readers that I can truly empathise with the children people of Scotland.
Indeed, I often feel like a wee boy, given the times I’ve had to stick three jotters down my trousers before facing the EIS to explain, for example, the SQA fiasco.
Her Unalloyed Greatness has often told me to sit in the corner and wear the dunce’s cap.
And didn’t I once take a right spanking from the BBC’s Gary Robertson the time I refused to answer his question about start-up costs for an independent Scotland – 13 times?
So let’s celebrate a week in which we weren’t even quizzed on our wonderfully nebulous position on quarantining, getting away with saying we would be going “at least as far” as the UK Government.
Now, you know that what this really means is we like to take the Westminster position and add a wee bit of extra juice, just for the independence spin-off; so if the UK Government suggests an anorak and thick socks strategy, metaphorically speaking, ken, in the battle to stop Covid 19, we’ll add a semmit. Very possibly a balaclava.
But I won’t avoid the tough questions.
If you’re asking me why we didn’t call for quarantine hotels to be introduced, as they had in Australia, a year ago, let me make my position very clear. These Antipodeans didn’t even give Andy Murray, one of the special people of Scotland, the extra time to make the Australian Open, so I won’t even begin to answer that question.
What I will say is I promise to remain as doggedly indeterminate as always, to continue using pointless phrases such as “I want to take the politics out of my decisions.”
Thank goodness for blustering Boris, otherwise some may have said; “That’s easy, John. Take yourself out of politics and go back to working in a bank.”
As imagined by Brian Beacom
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