As imagined by Brian Beacom

WHAT a hokey-cokey of a week it’s been. First, I’m pencilled in to appear at the inquiry looking into the Scottish Government’s bungled probe into the sexual misconduct complaints against me – and I will remind you I was acquitted of all charges – then next thing I’m out.

For those who are unclear of what’s actually going on, well, simply put, as senior SNP figures have said, it’s the biggest stitch up since the Great British Sewing Bee’s national quilt-making competition.

The First Minister, who once said I was the ‘most significant person in her life’, said she forgot about a Holyrood meeting to discuss my predicament.

Then we had a meeting at her home where she says she first learned of the complaints against me. What else were we going to talk about – “Have you been watching Schitt’s Creek on Netflix, Alex?”

Meantime, this week, Peter Murrell, Nicola’s husband, has also been dancing the hokey cokey.

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He was in, he was out, that night at their home. It was government business, it was party business.

He said he had “speculated.”

Now, you may argue that an amnesia cloud could have settled over the home of the Sturgeons.

And, yes, politicians can suffer from memory loss.

In 2012, you may remember I forgot I hadn’t actually sought the advice of law officers on whether an independent Scotland would be part of the European Union, and had to recant a little.

But back to Mr Murrell for a moment.

“Don’t ask me, ask the Boss,” he kept bleating.

And when grilled he said he was he was looking at magpies.

Well, I tell you what I’m looking at – a couple of carcass-chasing ravens.

I launched both their careers and the minute I hit a spot of bother – over which, I’m sure I mentioned, I was completely exonerated, I’m dead to them.

This all suggests a threat to democracy the like of which we’d expect to see in Putin’s Russia.

And I should know. I work for Russia Today.

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It’s an investigation into the SNP by the SNP and chaired by the SNP. I know what I’m talking about: I am the SNP.

Then Ms Judas has the temerity to say to me: “Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough, ya big feartie.”

But that’s from the other side of the road, when she thought I couldn’t cross it because I wouldn’t be able to go in there and give it accusatory laldy.

Well, just wait, Nicola.

Five years ago I said the SNP were going to be impossible to ignore.

And didn’t I get it right?

Thanks to this new state of internecine warfare I’ve played such a big part in, my prediction that we’ll hog the headlines is proving to be correct.