As imagined by Brian Beacom
WHAT a week for the people of Scotland to celebrate! Alex Salmond has finally revealed himself for what he truly is – a Freddie Krueger politician who refuses to accept he’s dead.
Yes, we all know Alba Alex loves a party. But he has as much chance of taking seats from the SNP as I have of starring in a Scottish remake of Total Recall.
Look, I know I said in 2015, ‘There is no man that I know who is less sexist,’ but I can honestly say I’ve forgotten about that. And need I remind you I only discovered Alex Salmond hadn’t always behaved the way he should on April 2, 2018. After 30 years.
So let’s not forget this week’s great stuff. I’ve been completely exonerated by the completely independent James Hamilton, who has worked for the Scottish government for years. I’ve given Boris a good boot in the haw maws with my nurses' pay rise – and Ruth Davidson is off to the Lords, to sell her soul for 300 shekels a day.
READ MORE MY WEEK: Nicola suffers from mild amnesia at home, too. She forgets I’m not an employee
OK, we didn’t do so well when it came to churches being given the green light, but to be fair I was up against God.
And let’s not forgot just how much love the people of Scotland have for me, and even though I’ve been found to have misled parliament by the MSPs' inquiry. Remember, it was by a group more partisan than the Polish resistance. And let me make this clear; I will never mislead the people of Scotland when it comes to acknowledging my ability to forget the unforgettable truths.
Now, you may say: ‘Nicola, The First of Scotland, have you forgotten about the two brave women complainants who have been hung out to dry?’ Well, I realise the ground I’m standing on here is as slippery as my old Frosty’s ice rink disco in Irvine. But I can certainly offer a clear explanation as to why this has been allowed to come about; like Andy Murray’s bedtime groin strain, sometimes stuff happens you just can’t legislate for.
So let’s remember the important facts; because of my covid campaign and the ability of the world to forget my own glorious failures, such as not closing borders early on, failure to challenge the Westminster PPE horse-trading etc, I’m more popular than the vaccine with Scots pensioners.
READ MORE MY WEEK: The Boss and me, by Angus Robertson
I for one have certainly forgotten why we sanctioned a return of students to university in October, not having the basic sense to appreciate that Fresher’s Week in halls makes Helen Mirren’s Caligula movie seem like an episode of Take The High Road.
But as for Ms Davidson’s departure? You ask if I’ll miss the sparring and jousting with this hugely intelligent, rapid fire, quick-witted and fundamentally warm adversary who has kept me up on my stilettoed toes for 10 years?
Aye, right. Like I’d miss a fat dance partner who keeps stepping on my size five Kurt Geigers.
Speaking of dancing, I’m off to join the Holyrood conga. Alba indeed.
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