Short story: A hot tub disaster

BY SHEILA MILLAR

DON’T talk to me aboot DIY. Nearly killed me so it did. Ma wife see, nothin wid do but she wantit wan o they jakoozi baths. Ah said, c’mom hen. What dae we need a jakoozi bath fur? Oh, but see, her pal, Mona got hersel a jakoozi bath so ma Jeannie hud tae be upsides with her. Well. Ah spent weeks trying tae talk hur oota it. There’s no enough room fur a start, ah said, but you take whit she gave me. Not enough room is it, she says. Well mibbe if you took yer motorbike oot the bedroom we could put the chest of drawers back where it should be. Now, ah ask you – is that reasonable?

Ah kept tellin her, ah’m only keeping it there till ah rebuild the engine. But she wid have none of it. Anyway, Jeannie went oan and oan and oan till ah finally had tae gie in. Luckily big Kenny helped me haul the bike back doon the stairs again – no easy wi the barrels half aff and the wiring harness trailin oan the grun and aw the other bits in a rucksack on ma back. Kenny’s missus running behind cleanin up the oil drippin doon the stairs an screamin abuse like a fish wife. An then ah hud to haul the chest o drawers back tae the bedroom and Jeannie took the opportunity tae start oan again aboot the bath.

Well, just tae keep the peace ah said ah’d go wi her tae that Ideal Home Show at the exhibition centre tae huv a look at jakoozis. Now, ah don’t mind admittin, ah wis impressed. No sooner wur we ther than Jeannie was peering inti a hot tub. They hud them aw set up an bubblin away – some o them were big enough fur eight folk – an one o they gaysbows built roon aboot it. A bar at wan end – noo that wis temptin – and aw fairy lights an champagne cocktails an she was chattin away to the bloke, askin aboot prices and installation an aw sorts.

Talkin in a Kelvinside voice, she was. “Ooh how laavly. Thenk you soo much.” Ah thought ah was gonny have tae haul her away. Anyway, she turnt back to me and telt me to close ma mooth before it hut the floor. She wis just showin an interest. Onyway, back at the Bathroom Display an she shows me this jakoozi bath. See Billy, she says, as sweet as you like. It fits intae a corner and we have a corner available now. Look at they jets – yi don’t huv tae use them but, if you want, they have three speeds – gentle, light massage, and firm massage. Now, can yi no just picture the two o us – one at each end and all they lovely bubbles? God, she knows how tae get roon me so she does. Cause ah really could picture it. Awright pal – ah didny mean you had tae picture it. Och, it’s awrigh, no need to apologise. Ah was probably describin it too well.

Anyway she’d talked me inti it hadn’t she? Before those pictures became a blur we’d wan ordered fur delivery in two weeks’ time. They wantit tae install it but ah wisnae havin ony o that. Ah’ll dae it masell ah said. Ah’ve done electrical work in ma time and ma pal’s a plumber. So no thanks all the same but we wouldny be needin to get it installed. But the bloke wis persistint. Shower o chancers. It was gonnae be twice as much for them tae install it. Ah always dae it masel an, honestly, ah was anxious to get oan wi it. Kept picturing hur an me wi a wee glass o vino sittin in that bath wi all the bubbles going at full pelt. Ah was thinkin ah might even gi the pub a miss so’s ah could git oan wi it.

Ah got aw the preparation done before they delivered it. Treated hur tae new tiles and concealed ceilin lights an everythin. Got ma pal roon ready to git started the minute it arrived and it all went smooth as a nut. It pays tae git the preparation done – measured it all up – hud tae move the sink a wee bit an git a new cistern wi the handle the other way roon but it wis worth it. When the jakoozi bath arrived, we were all set. The fixtures and fittings wur all there lucky enuff, cause many a time, ye order a bit o 3 furniture or sumthin and half the screws are missin or worse still you’ve got ten screws left over wance you’ve built it? Bloody useless. But everyhin went fine – bath sat in the corner neat perfect.

Ah connectit it tae the electrics – made sure the socket wis ootside the bathroom – ah’m no daft – an ma pal did the taps. Between us we sealed it all an put a fancy panel roon aboot tae box it in. Byootiful it was if ah say so masel. Only trouble ah had was wi ma pal. He hung aboot for mair than an hour until ah hud tae say tae him, Look Jackie, we’re no getting inti it while you’re staunin there watchin.

An, finally, there we were – all set –bathtime. Jeannie ran the water, measured in just the right amount of Radox – not too much, not too little and off we went to get wur dressing gowns on till it was ready. No pal, ye can wipe that grin aff yer face cause yer wrang there. We didny get sidetracked. We didny forget aboot it and let it overflow. That wisny whit happened at all.

Now, ah’m no wantin to gi you too many details – don’t want yi daein any mair picturin. Let’s jist say all went well tae start with. There we were as planned, luxuriatin –lyin back, wee glass o wine, Jeannie had even lit a few candles. Warm as toast, startit it on gentle massage, bubblin away nicely. Ah wis tellin Jeannie she’d bin right enuff, when there was wan almighty crack an the next thing we drapped through the air and landed smack bang in the middle o Kenny’s livin room. Jeannie screamed an grabbed the sponge tae cover hersel – well aw the bubblin had stopped.

Naw, that’s no how ah hurt masel. Kenny’s flair was stronger than oors an he hadny even reinforced it – turns oot ah hadny reinforced mine either. Naw that bloody mad woman o a wife o his laid aboot me wi the poker. Chased me right doon the stairs so she did. Soakin wet, bare arsed, coverin masel as best ah could. Got tae the first landing wi hur screamin like a banshee right behind me. Doon ah went the whole twenty stairs bang, bang, bang turnin ower a the 4 way. Thought ah wis a gonner. When ah came to ah couldny tell where the pain stopped an ah startit. And that wife o Kenny’s jist left me ther. Hadny phoned an ambulance. Ah hid tae dae it masel.

JUDGE'S VERDICT: Quite brilliant really, very well written– funny even without a phrase book