As imagined by Brian Beacom

YES, I can anticipate your first question: with the Scottish elections coming up, will we Greens continue to share a bed with the SNP, to canoodle nightly in the hope that we’ll produce policy children with a gorgeous, green tartan colouring – perhaps a nice MacGregor – or will we get down to the Land of Beds and get ourselves a single?

Well, thanks to Salmond and Galloway’s pop-up parties, these two chancers will take votes away from the SNP, which means the Greens can look forward to doubling our representation, from six to twelve.

So, will I agree to a coalition with Nicola The First?

My official line is, ‘We would talk.’

But if you’re asking me off the record, well, I’d walk over hot coals for that level of power, although I’d prefer the foot torture to be provided by a sustainable energy source.

You may say, ‘Quelle surprise!’

Yes, okay, I may have backed her over five budgets and two confidence votes. But I’ve long applied pressure on the SNP. I’ve been known to caress Nicola’s neck to the point she once purred with delight, so don’t talk to me about putting the squeeze on.

And if you really want me to explain my relationship with our FM? Well, I looked at the SNP broadcast this week of Nicola surrounded by these Orwellian, rather dystopian banks of TV monitors and it hit me: she is my big sister.

As for Labour? Don’t be fooled by that bandwagon jumper Anas Sarwar’s Green Labour programme. It isn’t Green at all. It’s more of a chartreuse!

Yes, come May, I accept there will be many challenges ahead. How can I continue to wear a Compton Mackenzie tweed suit if we have a hot summer? Can I ever come to terms with the huge irony in that the independence movement was predicated upon controlling Scotland’s oil, a fuel source I consider to be the blood of the devil?

That’s why I’ve argued we need £22bn of investment in our rail system, and a rail tunnel under the Forth – which is not a mad vanity project at all, although I’d certainly splash out for new waistcoat for the photo opportunities.

Now, you may well ask, ‘Where is all the money coming from to shut down the oil and gas industry, pixy Patrick?’ which is a fair question, given I once worked for the Inland Revenue in Dumbarton.

Well, as I said this week: “The real challenge is not to put a figure on it,” which is to say I must have lost the figure, probably in the cupboard with the bicycle helmet I never seem to wear.

All I would say is the answers to the fiscal questions are out there, in the greatest, greenest film of all time. Darby O’Gill and the Little People. What it reminds us is that if you bring a leprechaun home to live with you, then you will be allowed three wishes. That should be more than enough.