“It’s’ all over Facebook and twitter, Boris and Dominic have had a big argument and you should see what he saying about him” said nobody in my house.

Dominic Cummings and Boris Johnson have fallen out big style and the press are all rubbing their hands gleefully and watching for the snark unravelling in public.

Cummings has taken to blogging to rat on his old best pal and its looking nasty. He is holed up like a vicious wee snake who got expelled from the “Tory Fright Club” (that’s not a typo) and is now speaking about Fright Club. He is wreaking revenge in some carefully worded paragraphs so that the press can easily cut and paste and share on their blogs and social media.

According to Number 10, Cummings is out for vengeance when he was shown the front door after getting into a row with Boris’s girlfriend Carrie. He is not taking well to being sent to Coventry (it doesn’t have a decent castle) and was hailed as one of the most influential geniuses behind the Leave Campaign, now he’s metaphorically pushing trollies around a supermarket carpark dreaming up his ultimate revenge. And he won’t go away quietly.

Boris is running around Number 10, scrubbing his hair shouting “Does he know about the other stuff?” as aides scatter and run about searching emails.

The Herald:

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Meanwhile Michael Gove is nowhere to be seen, he is lying low and watching this game of “who is zooming who” from the side-lines.

Gove is a staunch ally of Cummings and could be the next in line to fill Boris’s wide fitting slip-on shoes and bring Dominic back in from the cold.

After Boris went out on a limb to back Dom when he took his jaunt to the now famous blind spot of Barnard Castle, they split up acrimoniously because someone said something to a girlfriend’s pal, now it’s all over Facebook.

It’s starting to look like a council house back garden fight, can we expect photos and leaked phone messages? Will there be CCTV videos uploaded of a drunken Boris walking about the barbeque with his sausage hanging out of a roll? Will we see some shady videos of Boris standing in his long johns secretly licking the painting of Thatcher on the staircase in the dead of night?

Cummings has denied leaking the text messages where Boris tried to entice thon Brexit loving hoover man who left Britain with dynamic sucking machines with tax breaks to make ventilators that never arrived.

The leaker has been dubbed “Chatty Rat” the dullest ever nickname, I prefer “GrassyAss” but am not allowed to suggest names, because I am not pals with Carrie.

What can we expect in the next episode of “DOMS BIG BLOG?” will we hear about Carrie Symonds shouting at the kitchen staff or angrily brushing the Downing street Cat too hard as she reads about that other blonde woman that keeps telling everyone she was also Boris’s girlfriend?

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Demon Dom has revealed that Boris tried to get tory donors to pay for the renovations of Downing street, because we all know how expensive floral covers and magnolia paint can be. Surely Boris could have just draped Union Flags over every wall and saved some cash?

Cummings has made it clear he is happy for Downing street to publish every email he received and sent from July 2019-November 2020. Can you imagine the amount of time “Durham” comes up in that email chain search?

Dominic also calls for an “Urgent parliamentary inquiry into the governments conduct over the covid crisis” and suggests that Johnson has fallen far below the standards of competency the country deserves. This from a man who drove to Durham to see if his eyes were working with his sick kid in the back seat.

It all seems very grubby with a whiff of the boarding school house masters throwing shade at each other over ‘who stole crumb cake from Effington’s hamper’.

I think this argument should be settled old school as befitting of Boris and his pals, there should be a paint ball duel at dawn or some sword fencing with large stale baguettes, we could live stream it to the nation in the Downing street gardens. It would light relief from the Tory sleaze and recurring scandals.

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I must admit, I find the vision of Boris frantically worried and anxiously waiting on each Cummings Blog being posted the way we all wait on the next episode of Line of Duty, just brilliant. Boris made that fatal mistake of picking a really snide, arrogant self-assured, self-proclaimed genius rocket who wanted to strike a rod into the country and remind them who is boss and forgot these people could easily turn the rod on them.

We’ve all done it, met a really smart talking, charismatic mate who tells you “NEVER APOLOGISE, NEVER EXPLAIN” and been enamoured by their dedication to your friendship, then when it all goes to the wall, you quickly realise you will be the one apologising and explaining everything, because they kept the receipts.

Boris is trying to shrug this latest scandal off as “stuff and nonsense” and stuttered out “Bunny Hugging” which was a phrase he repeated at the climate summit and made everyone worried that he had actually hugged a bunny and was subliminally explaining it before Dom released the images.

I don’t think anyone liked the sneering attitude of Dominic Cummings when he had his finger on the pulse and record button from the inner sanctum of Downing street.

He was always the odd one out at Number 10, leaning, never standing, running, never walking, he always seemed to be dressed in tee shirts and cargo pants, like that guy who’s too old for the skateboard park who smokes rollies and chases pigeons.

Now, he has gathered all the info he needs and is about to let it all hang out and I for one am here for the end of this Bromance. Bring it on Dom.