“Nobody should have hired me, I am an idiot, why would I be in charge?” said my cousin when I found him drunk behind the bar and the customers helping themselves to the stock and running out into the street with boxes of crisps and bottles of beer.

It was apparently my own fault for letting all of that happen. I hired an idiot.

Dominic Cummings also had this reply when faced with “Why did you handle the pandemic so badly?” He rubbed his head, stretched his arms in angry yoga poses and showed the committee photocopies of his whiteboard with scribbled workshopped ideas. He’s a genius.

He then went on to use movie analogies to lay out the chaos of the Covid briefings that led to many, many unnecessary deaths in Britain. Jeff Goldblum and Independence Day (not the one many Scot’s wanted) but the one about aliens also got embarrassingly dragged out and quoted by the noted genius maverick and stunt driver Dominic Cummings.

The ‘It’s not my fault, I am an idiot’ is the ultimate get-out clause in any failed endeavour, relationship and attempt to jump off a roof on a skateboard. Last Thursday I was sitting on a train with flaky internet connection watching Cummings spout eight hours of baloney and some of it was jaw-droppingly incredible. At one point I tuned back in when he was explaining a Spider-Man meme when people were discussing mass deaths. I was convinced I had lost signal and was reconnecting with a parody video where someone voices over politicians.

On one hand, we have to absolutely appreciate his candid honesty ( I am questioning both the candid and honesty here) about how the government failed everyone in the UK but on the other hand, HE WAS THE SPECIAL ADVISOR, he wasn’t working as an extra in a TV drama and witnessing a crap script as he stood near the curtains sipping a coffee, he was one of the leading actors in the main story arc, he was paid to advise, not watch chaos and wait till he got sacked then complain about the state of the nation.

Cummings went for a full Shakespearean drama on Matt Hancock (BTW Boris was writing a book on the great William as the world burned in a virus) he literally had a litany of reasons why Hancock should be sacked, like a “Ten Reasons to Dump Him” list in some teenage flick on how to explain bad relationships.

He cited Hancock’s lies about the ‘ring of safety’ around care homes which turned out to be a ring of nothing but a bag full of lies, he laid bare the failings and managed to distance himself from the absolute bin fire that Cummings himself was very much a part of.

Dear Matt, I guess Dominic is just not that into you.

As accusation after accusation came spewing out, not one word against Gove, who suspiciously had escaped the wrath of Cummings, one can only wonder why?  I guess, much like Tom Cruise in the film “A Few Good Men” we just can’t handle the truth, can we?

Meanwhile in keeping with movie analogy’s, Boris in his brief role as Keyser Soze from “The Usual Suspects” was trying to pretend everything was fine and he himself didn’t actually exist during 2020. The man can do anything and still get votes.

Boris allegedly asked Chris Whitty to inject him with Covid live on telly, to prove it wasn’t deadly, like a scene from Outbreak and the country on hearing this news merely laughed and made jokes. Some of us were aghast and checked that he was still the Prime Minister. He was and still is.

Watching hours and hours of Cumming’s testimony, I was struck by how much he was willing to weaponise every answer to have a go at other people whilst explain his own failures as ‘some else’s fault for not listening or for merely hiring him’ absolutely shocking, oh for the confidence of this man!

When the pandemic hit in Feb/March 2020 people were confused and frightened and depended on their government to see them through, and we believed they were. We now know it was like a scene from the “The Thick of It” with men running about loudly swearing at each other in badly fitting cheap suits, whilst one man stood in cargo pants and recorded their words for future testimony and personal insurance. But without the jokes.

Boris’s girlfriend/wife/live-in lover Carrie was also dragged into the furore, it is claimed that during the most hectic of days at the height of the pandemic, she was upset her wee dog got bad PR like a crap episode of ‘Lassie come home’ and threw a hissy fit as she ran past the curtains she hated. I am guessing Cumming’s doesn’t like her either and he wasn’t at the sudden surprise wedding that happened last weekend in Westminster Catholic Cathedral.

Cummings, Hancock, Johnson, Gove and the whole of the Cobra team at Downing street have been exposed as a bad episode of “The Crystal Maze” the one where every team member tried to fit a square peg into a round hole to save the team and ended up losing the plot and screaming at each other round a small pond with drowned robots.

It certainly wasn’t the "Friends Reunion” or "The One Where Everyone Let People Die”. No doubt we will we see the defensive attempts on social media, where last year Tories were defending the Barnard Castle debacle, who are now shouting ‘Cummings cannot be trusted’.

Mind you he changed that story as well and explained he was actually leaving London because of a security risk. The truth would have been more plausible than saying you drove a child in car to check your eyesight. I have no idea how he thought this was a better excuse.

At the end of the day, Cummings has spaffed his words and Boris got married to the mother of one of his kids.

Congratulations Boris and Carrie, I hope this time it is ‘Love Actually’.