Staying positive instead of waiting for bad news to come - David Smith MBE

Maybe the reason I study psychology is self-therapy to help me manage this life. 

It helps me better understand the rush of emotions that flood into every inch of my being when I sit looking at the phone to ring. 

I know it is good news as I am very healthy and this has been the longest have gone without surgery now in the last 12 years.

But sat looking at the phone still feels like a death sentence. 

I have always spoken about being terrified of not living rather than fearing death.

But I think this might be a coping mechanism.

My fascination with philosophers such as the stoics, Sam Harris and Professor Sheldon Solomon or Ernest Beckers’ book The Denial of Death are workings I would probably never come across if I had not found myself with a tumour. 

As I sit waiting for the phone to ring with the words of these great minds flooding my mind about death, the sun breaks through a crack in the window in the beach shack I am staying in.

Then the noise of a bird followed by a stray dog barking at a passer-by.

It is a reminder that I am alive. 

I tell myself “David, stay present in this moment” 

Life can change at any moment and when we least expect it.

It is why I started this column, to try to share what I have learned from 12 years of facing my tumour and paralysis to help others. 

The journey that has me sitting here at 5am waiting for this phone to ring has in many ways left me broken both emotionally and physically. 

In a week that saw me sign with Nike for another year I was full of hope and excitement.

I started entering events all over the Alps and planning my first race season since 2018. 

And now today I am sat clutching my head doing everything I can not to fall onto the floor and break down. Breathe, I tell myself.

In this moment nothing bad has happened, it is in my mind.

If I don’t say it out loud, I am not giving power to it. 

Ironically, I am now telling you about it - which I guess is sort of saying it out loud. 

This week I finished reading Trevor Moawad’s book around neutral thinking and it couldn’t have come at a better time as I needed to bring that philosophy into my day right now.

The essence of what Moawad is sharing is that neutral thinking is having an acceptance of what is happening, whether it is good OR bad. 

The key is not to get caught up in the negativity around a situation. In many ways you move on. 

It is hard to tell yourself not to have negative thinking because it is part of being human.

I know I move through the course of my day with both a mix of positive thoughts and negative thoughts. 

I think what Moawad is saying is not to focus on the negative, and certainly not to say it out loud. 

 The athletes he worked with were encouraged not to say stupid stuff out loud. 

I know during my tumour journey I have struggled when people say just be positive.

This would leave me thinking i was not allowed to feel negative emotions, which let’s be honest is impossible. 

What I learned this week was when those negative thoughts arise, I stop them becoming more than a thought or an emotion. 

In essence I have become more aware of how I talk around life with the tumour. 

Yet I find myself sat here with my mind racing, and there is more negative than positive. 

So how do I get to either neutral or into a positive state as I sit looking at this phone waiting for it to ring?

Well, I decided to walk to the water to watch a pelican fish - and as I sat watching its flight, I reminded myself of what Steve Peters said about building future bridges that have not yet happened.

This kind of aligns with what Moawad is talking about in his book and I just sat with my thoughts for a moment. 

I knew in this moment I have a level of control of my thoughts on where I place my attention.

So right now I choose to focus on getting in the water to swim, as my phone battery died and the call never came.

So the thing that kept me awake all night never happened and that’s a lesson right there.