Glaschu

Glasgow

STRANGE, I think, as I slip out the lunchtime crowds and into the large and chilly foyer at Glaschu. To be met only by a sign saying press button for restaurant.

Stranger still, nobody answers when that very button is pressed. So I give up and amble up some wide carpeted stairs until my way is blocked by even more signs warning “private” area above and turn left to find myself suddenly entering a vast room.

Long low, in caramelly browns and coffee beiges, it stretches gloriously, regimentally, yet very attractively off into the distance, with glittering and bustling Royal Exchange Square visible below through the long windows on the left. This is a plum dining room in a plum spot, splat bang in the plum and primo city centre.

And yet, hang on, there isn’t a single other diner in here. Ooft. Welcome to the Hotel California is playing in my mind, though not through the sound system.

Through the sound system they’re playing hypnotic tunes from what sounds like a trance lift compilation. And playing them a bit too loudly, I think, as the waiter hands me – dum-dum-dum – “our market menu.”

Oh dear, not a market menu, I sigh. A printed one too.

Weren’t they once the favourite of chain-pubs throughout the land and only memorable for containing nothing that has ever been anywhere remotely near an actual market.

And weren’t they the deadliest sign of don’t care dullness in the whole wide world of restaurants?

For starters, we have smoked salmon, terrine, soup of the day (yes), and a salad. For mains, chicken, steak, risotto, plaice and a fish of the day (seabass, hmmm).

So what, you say? Well, this is the what: the price.

It’s twenty five bangers for two courses of lunch or £30 for three. Is the price the reason this place will remain virtually deserted (I see only two other people eat throughout my Wednesday lunchtime visit) while out there in the heart of the city others seem bustling and full? Or is it the food?

Well, actually, it’s okay. I’ll (quite) enjoy the fillet of Shetland plaice with buttery crushed potatoes, raisins, capers and samphire all surrounded in a creamy chive beurre blanc, though no sign of grilling on the plaice. And it does kinda become a sweet and savoury mush engulfing the delicate plaice once the cutlery touches down.

And there is a reasonably good, rich and deep chicken jus to go with a pretty enough, though absolutely nothing special texture-wise, roast chicken breast (unspecified where this is from). And a not-so-successful, slightly over-fried in my view and faintly bitter, duck fat hash brown and cavalo nero.

But then I’m not so much liking the two starters I have simply because they are both simple, easy to-assemble in advance and exhibit no cooking.

There’s twirled-into-a-rose oak smoked (again unspecified by whom or where) salmon with a beetroot relish, capers and the obligatory dollop of creme fraiche. We all know what that’s like.

Over here, there’s a pretty tower of chicory, cubes of Lanark Blue, slices of Granny Smith, spiced walnuts and a wan port reduction combining to make a clean but rather bland and mono-textured salad.

It’s okay but while both these dishes look very good and are professionally put together, somehow they feel very budget.

“We’re very busy at the weekends,” the waitress will tell me, when I mention it’s not busy today on this lunchtime while other restaurants nearby look bustling. And they’re apparently doing a social media campaign to attract more customers.

Yes, I’ve seen a lot of glowing reviews online.

We will end with a dessert of Arran ice cream (dollop), chocolate cremeux (dollop), choco crumb and toffee sauce squirts that isn’t going to set any heather on fire but is pleasant.

Glaschu, then? A dining room in search of a restaurant? A restaurant in search of a personality? Who knows? Strange anyway.

Glaschu

32 Royal Exchange Square

Glasgow

0141 248 2214

Menu: The tired words market menu indicate smoked salmon, a confit chicken terrine, a chicory salad, more chicken on the main course, steak, plus plaice and seabass. Staid. 3/5

Service: A waiter and a waitress dealing with just three customers can't be bad. Pleasant, cheery people. No complaints. 5/5

Atmosphere: This is actually a glorious dining room, in a fabulous spot very much in search of a restaurant to live up to the location. Dead on a Wednesday lunch though. 3/5

Price: Twenty five pounds for two-course lunch, £30 for three. You decide. 2/5

Food: Everything was professionally, cleanly and prettily put together. At these prices the effort put into the starters was disappointing though, likewise the dessert. 6/10

19/30