This week is Baby Loss Awareness Week. Ian Greenhill is co-founder of Studio Something, a creative studio based in Edinburgh. In 2019 Ian and his wife Ashley lost their son Reuben. Here he writes an open letter to himself, and offers hope for parents attempting to cope with grief and loss.

EVERYTHING I WISH I KNEW WHEN WE LOST OUR SON

Hiya Ian of 2019, it’s future Ian here, pretty meta, right? Anyway, I’m writing to you from the future as a pretty seismic thing is about to happen in your life; you and your wife are about to lose your first child. You will be extremely lost and confused about where to look for advice; so this Baby Loss Awareness Week I’m giving some to you now, and hopefully, to any other dad or parent going through the same.

You will find the most kindness in strangers.

The thing that will strike you the most when your son is born is the deafening silence. There was no noise, no baby cry, not even a sound from your wife when she gave birth (who is the most resilient person you know btw).

Silence became a theme. This silence will extend to some of the people you were closest to. You initially will feel angry and upset at them but remember they often simply don’t know what to say or can’t comprehend how you feel. But so many people will reach out to you; Dads who went through the same or similar; even clients you never knew had gone through this trauma. You will find help in charities such as SIMBA, their baby box will be invaluable to you and make your son feel real when so often the suspension of disbelief will flicker through your mind. Held in Your Hearts will help you by giving you both free counselling and support networks in the form of a dad's WhatsApp group (this will appear to be about five a side, but everyone knows it’s not really about five a side). Accept these people reaching out, and don’t be angry as the years go by.

The Herald:

Be nice to your dog

When you come back from the hospital your dog will have had the worst groom of his life. He will look like a half-dog half-toilet brush hybrid. But be kind to this little guy as he will be your saviour; giving you something else to look after other than yourselves. On the days you don’t want to get out of bed or the house that fluffy wee guy will make you.

You can’t escape the ‘alternate timeline’

This is the hardest one to deal with. The would’ves colliding with the could’ves to create a big old depression sandwich. You will have many times when you pause to think what life would’ve been like at pivotable moments if your son had survived. You’ll notice Birthdays, fathers day, Christmas, even just watching football or seeing other people’s kids on Instagram. This will hurt. You will feel bitter sometimes and that is okay but my advice to you, try to see the empty shelf as something to fill rather than tearing it down because nothing is there.

Say his name, and get others to do so too.

His name was Reuben Greenhill. I’d like you to say his name and encourage others to do so. Reuben. Your Reuben, your first child.

You’ll never get used to the question ‘do you have any kids?’

This will catch you off guard and for a while, you will correct people and tell them the story. But again, that silence from people will make you realise sometimes it’s easier just to pretend you don’t have any other kids. Even when you and your wife get pregnant again medical professionals will forget and treat it like your first. This will upset your wife the most so try to guide them as much as you can to help her. You will wish they took time to quickly look at notes so they know about previous loss as every appointment from then on will bring to surface anxieties from the loss. Some midwives will be amazing at acknowledging the loss and some will refer to your next pregnancy as ‘your first pregnancy’. This will be really upsetting and hopefully improves in the future.

Do more when he is born

This will be your biggest regret. The haze and confusion will mean you don’t know the etiquette or the ‘right thing’ to do when Reuben is born. Don’t rush away from the hospital and hold him as long as you can as you never will get to again. Use a photographer to take pictures. There is no shame in what happened, he was your son. On the dark days, your wife and you will need these tributes. Remember there’s nothing right about this situation but I promise you, you will wish you had taken more pictures of him, you will wish you held him for longer. Touch him. Hold him. Go with him.

Grief stays the same size but life grows around it

It’s a cliche for a reason but life has to go on man. I hate to tell you but I don’t think it gets any easier, life just grows around your grief and you will find salves for your sores in many different ways. You will get pregnant again and, I’m sorry pal, you will lose that baby through miscarriage (your fifth). 

Then something magical will happen. Little Isla will be born. A burning bright light in your life. She is beautiful. She’s brave and she’s as determined as her mother. I can’t wait for you to meet her.

But I have to warn you of something, in a cruel twist of fate you and your wife will catch Covid (oh yeah, about that). Because of this, you will be forced into the isolation room in the ward to give birth to your second son. A private room. Yup, you’ll recognise this room. The room you are ushered into will be the same room Reuben was born in.  In the same room you met your first son. it’ll catch you off guard and be scary but it’ll be okay. In a 14 minutes (yup) time you’ll meet Alby.

Life sometimes has a funny way of combining the happiest moments with the saddest to remind you that every moment of it is a miracle, it’s beautiful and it is best lived with kindness and patience.

You are about to go on a very hard journey. But you’ll be okay. I promise.

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article you can contact SIMBA or Held In Your Hearts by clicking the links.