A widow says she has "survivor's guilt" after her husband died of cancer while she was undergoing chemotherapy which helped save her life.
Shona Maclaren, 34, was diagnosed with cervical cancer after bleeding which she said doctors dismissed as postpartum symptoms.
But as she underwent treatment, her husband William Mclaren, 41, was diagnosed with advanced stage four bowel cancer.
Just nine days later he died in a hospice.
Mr Mclaren had been suffering abdominal pain and inflammation, but thought it was due to his pre-existing ulcerative colitis.
READ MORE: Glasgow mother faces 49 week wait for cervical cancer check
Mrs Mclaren, from Stevenson in Ayrshire, is now in remission and says she has survivor’s guilt about why she was “picked” to survive.
She said: "He was in and out of consciousness and I talked to him that whole day he died.
“I don't know if he heard me. I hope he did because I hadn’t had a chance to tell him that my treatment was working.
“This is where the survivor's guilt comes in. I can't sit here and tell you ‘oh my treatment is working, but you’re dying.’
“It’s heart-breaking and I don’t think that it will ever not be heart-breaking."
Mrs Mclaren, an accountant, worries about what to tell the couple's children Thea, six, and Mason, two, in future.
She said: “When Thea and Mason get older it's going to be tough to try and explain, ‘why did Mummy live and Daddy die?’ - and I'll never be able to answer that.
“Nobody saw this happening as fast as it did.
"That’s just one thing you’re never guaranteed is time. It angers me that I got a chance to fight and he never even got a chance to start.”
Her first symptoms were abnormal vaginal bleeding in the form of blood clots when she had been going to the toilet, and she became anaemic.
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She believes her symptoms were “downplayed” by doctors due to being five months postpartum.
“I had high blood pressure during my pregnancy so I contacted my doctor and one of the things that I asked him was, ‘Is this normal?’ - because I didn't have this with my first born," she said.
“He said 'that will just be your body normalising after birth'.
“I was on the phone with the doctor and I remember it so vividly, there was blood just pouring out of me.
“I was shouting down the phone saying: ‘If I was a man and I was bleeding this much you would be doing something about it - this is not normal!”
She had a colposcopy and a biopsy, and two weeks later was diagnosed with stage 2B cervical cancer, on May 20, 2022.
She began chemotherapy on June 30 2022.
Mr Mclaren had been screened previously for bowel cancer, but the test was negative.
While his wife was undergoing treatment for cancer, however, his own pain became more severe and he was re-tested.
On August 23 2022 he was diagnosed with advanced stage four bowel cancer which could not be treated.
Just days later, on August 29, he began to deteriorate and was taken to a local hospice where he fell in and out of consciousness.
He died on September 1 2022.
“I did not cope very well at all," said Mrs Mclaren, who lost her own mother to cancer when she was just 11.
"I was terrified. I didn’t know how this was going to work - I thought we had more time.
“Everything had happened so fast. He got home Monday, deteriorated on Tuesday, put up in the hospice Wednesday and died Thursday morning.”
READ MORE: Scotland's cancer waiting times now worst on record
Mrs Mclaren underwent her last Paclitaxel and Carboplatin chemo treatment on September 13, and her husband's funeral was held seven days later.
She said: “It was difficult for me when I found out I had cancer, never mind the dad being told that he's got cancer and it's permanent.
“I was determined from the get go to not let this kill me - even more so when my husband passed.
“I’m not letting my kids grow up without a mum - they’ve already lost their dad.”
Mrs Mclaren - who says she still talks to her husband every day - has encouraged their children to do the same by still celebrating Father's Day.
She added that she tries to "look for reasons" why the tragedy happened, and strongly encourages anyone who is eligible to take up the HPV vaccination.
She said: "[William] had ulcerative colitis and was therefore susceptible.
"And for me it was missed because during Covid-19 the NHS weren’t doing smear tests and then I fell pregnant so couldn’t do them then.
“Who knows, if I had gotten this vaccine it may have never happened.
“I just wish we had more time - I thought we had more time. I didn’t get a proper goodbye.”
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