I am a spy now. I am able to shoot with precision, steer a motorised gondola on a high speed chase through a network of canals, swing from a cable car and ride a rocket into orbit.

I can make you fall in love with me only to double cross you in the interests of national security. I can use a cello case as a toboggan and pull an incendiary device from my knickers.

I may also be slightly hysterical.

It seemed like a fun assignment. Through novice eyes, watch all the James Bond movies, in order, for the first time and rank them.

Please, I beg of you, don't binge watch four Bond films back-to-back. It's not good for the psyche.

My meticulous notes, now I actually have to write about this, become increasingly baffling. At one point I have put: "This man's penis is a total liability" and "He's shagged the magic out of her" and I think those might sum up the entire franchise.

I felt pity for men when I watched James Bond. Is this what they admire? Hyper-machismo, bad puns, subjugated women, a crude darkness? Anyway, can I recommend binging Bond back to back? No. Don't do it. Save yourselves.

I've ranked these out of 10 - one being untrammelled misogyny and 10 being Germaine Greer.

Dr. No (1962) 4/10

The name's Bond!

Bond has urgent business in Jamaica but not so urgent that he can't stop for a quickie with Sylvia Trench. They both enjoy gambling, golf and getting off. A match made in heaven.

We discover that James Bond takes a carpe diem approach to life and will sleep with women rather than read a book/catch up on his correspondence/be alone with his thoughts. He seems to know Miss Taro is a bad egg but gives her the old "how do you like your eggs in the morning" treatment regardless.

We have our first taste of the appalling double entendre naming conventions of Bond women. Honey Ryder! What a sophisticated quip. Bond shags Ms Ryder in a boat even though his pal is towing them to shore. Not sure any of my friends would tolerate such behaviour. Perhaps 007 would benefit from a better class of associate.

The Herald:

From Russia With Love (1963) 3/10

Sylvia Trench is back!

Bond has taken her for a picnic. Could this be love? Probably not. But it does explain why it takes nearly 20 minutes for Bond to make an appearance in the movie.

James then finds himself witness to an entirely unnecessary catfight by two women in a "gypsy camp" who have stripped to their knickers. There is absolutely no point to this scene but voyeurism.

Bond then defends the camp from attack and is gifted the two women for a threesome.

He returns from this questionable night of passion to be honey trapped by Russian agent Tatiana Romanova. They fall into bed, secretly being filmed by the enemy through a one-way mirror.

This is not credible. There's absolutely no way he's successfully shagging this many women back to back, in rapid succession. Did Q develop him some quick loading balls?

The dinner scene on the Orient Express between Bond and Red is very good indeed. Hitchcockian in its tenseness.

Less good is the moment on board when Bond slaps Tatiana across the face.

Goldfinger (1964) 1/10

Bond is a rapist!

Cary Fukunaga, the director of No Time to Die, was interviewed in The Hollywood Reporter years ago and couldn't remember, of Goldfinger or Thunderball, in which one of the Bond films 007 was "basically a rapist".

Bond opens by having a high speed romp with Jill Masterson before she succumbs to death-by-gold-paint. He claims to be "entirely satisfied" by the rapid fire exchange. I cannot imagine poor Jill felt the same way.

This, though, is the film with Pussy Galore. Ms Galore is a lesbian who clearly tells Bond "no" as he advances. He fails to halt his advances. Were audiences ever really comfortable with this?

Thunderball (1965) 2/10

Bond is still a rapist!

This time 007 uses threats to coerce a nurse, Patricia, at a health spa into having sex with him in the steam room.

He then moves on to Fiona Volpe, volpe being the Italian for fox, and Fiona being an enemy agent for SPECTRE. She gives as good as she gets, Fiona Volpe, before Bond uses her as a human shield and she is killed.

There seems to be a 50/50 odds of survival if you're a Bond woman. And 007 is certainly no gentleman when it comes to killing women to save himself.

Bond grieves none for Ms Volpe and moves straight on to Domino Vitali. They get it on in the Caribbean. "I hope we didn't frighten the fish," Bond says, as they emerge. It's by far not his worst post-coital chat.

He uses another woman, Bonita, as a human shield.

The Herald: An original quad cinema poster for James Bond: Casino Royale, from the Leicester Square Odeon,

You Only Live Twice (1967) 4/10

James Bond in yellowface!

Yet again a Bond movie opens with Bond in bed with a woman. This time he's in Hong Kong and the woman is Ling. Later in the movie he tells Moneypenny that nothing went on between himself and Ling but no one's convinced.

He pretends to be some random dude called Fisher while sleeping with Helga Brandt. He also dresses up in yellowface with slanted eyes and a terrible wig.

There are Japanese women giggling at Sean Connery's hairy chest. 007 is given the choice of four of these "sexyful" women for a private massage. A masseuse named Aki switches in with Bond's woman of choice and they sleep together. Fair play to Aki, she saw what she wanted and she made it happen.

You can't turn your head in this film without butting into an Asian joke.

Casino Royale (1967)

It's David Niven!

I always thought this was one of the Daniel Craig ones but they've given two of the movies the same name. Embarrassing.

The Bishop's Wife is one of my favourite films of all time. David Niven stars as the eponymous bishop. I refuse to watch him lower himself to this.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969) 2/10

Bond puts a ring on it!

George Lazenby is my favourite Bond and I won't hear a word against him. This movie is terrible.

James Bond meets Tracy, who he will go on to marry, and they shag on a hotel balcony in Portugal because she owes him money and doesn't have any other way to pay off the debt. Bond is fine with payment in kind.

They become engaged to be married in a barn in a blizzard. Despite the fact they are engaged - presumably Bond assumes Tracy knows a man like him can't be wholly pinned down - Bond visits a clinic for women with extreme allergies, dresses up as Sir Hillary Bray and shags two of the vulnerable in-patients back to back.

I'm just going to mention again my incredulity and ask about these MI6-issue quick-loading balls. The honeymoon is curtailed when Tracy is shot in the head.

The Herald:

Diamonds Are Forever (1971) 4/10

Bond is a sad widower!

There is a woman in this film called Plenty O’Toole.

Bond is still sad about his wife being shot in the head so he only has sex with smuggler Tiffany Case. Pitiful tally for Bond. The pair sail off at the end under the gaze of Blofeld's diamond-encrusted satellite.

Banging theme tune.

Live and Let Die (1973) 2/10

Bond builds a bridge of crocodiles!

Bond needs some new date ideas. He takes Rosie Carver out on a picnic and seduces her. He shows some personal growth by sleeping with Miss Caruso, an Italian agent, and letting her spend the night.

He also seduces voodoo psychic medium Solitaire, a virgin he cons into sleeping with him by using a trick pack of cards. Solitaire's extraordinary powers are predicated on her remaining a virgin so Bond literally shags the talent out of her.

The baddie has a business plan involving the sale of heroin. It's sort of a pyramid scheme but I'm not sure I followed it correctly. Bond turns out to be quite decent at crocodile husbandry. He creates a bridge of crocodiles over which he leaps to safety.

This is another uncomfortable watch through contemporary eyes. The black residents of New Orleans and the Caribbean are villains for the white spy to overcome and little else.

The Man With the Golden Gun (1974) 2/10

Bond has a nubbin!

A limp plotline is used to ensure the main female lead in this one remains in a bikini for the bulk of the movie. Mary Goodnight, an inexperienced MI6 agent, is compelled by the baddie to wear a two-piece to stop her carrying a concealed weapon.

Goodnight is shut in a wardrobe while Bond has sex with Andrea Anders, the bad guy's girlfriend. We're supposed to believe she slept through the whole thing. A likely story.

Mary blows hot and cold on James a little but ultimately goes against all the advice from TikTok dating influencers and still sleeps with him, despite the fact he's been an arse to her.

Speaking of which, she nearly blows up a solar power plant with her butt cheek, but not before being felt up by the bad guy's henchman.

No one knows what the bad guy looks like other than that he has a third nipple. Chandler in Friends called this a "nubbin". The bad guy has a nubbin and Bond has to pretend to have one too.

The nubbin-bearing bad guy saves face by having a car that turns into a plane, which is pretty cool.

The movie ends with Bond shagging Mary Goodnight and I get the sense at this point that the plots are so silly the writers just give up by the denouement and go with the easy option while pretending it's a motif.

The Herald:

The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) 2/10

Jaws is here!

Two thirds of Bond's conquests in this film do not have names. He shags a Russian blonde in a cabin in Austria and sleeps with an Arab harem girl after deploying the truly appalling line: "When one is in Egypt, one should delve deeply into its treasures."

I spend the rest of this movie being sick. But I can also tell you that Bond's third conquest is Agent XXX who starts off tending to his wounds and then tends to his baser instincts.

Moonraker (1979) 3/10

James Bond goes to space!

This is magnificent. A tour de force. There are high speed gondola chases, never ending hand-to-hand martial arts combat, a magnificent double take from a pigeon and somehow the villain has managed to build an ENTIRE SPACE STATION without anyone noticing.

Wait til you see Roger Moore and Lois Chiles pretend to walk in zero gravity. Beautiful acting, fully believable. Bond has to fight a snake.

This is a continuation of a theme from The Spy Who Loved Me. In one, an evil billionaire captures submarines to spark war; in the other, an evil billionaire captures space shuttles to spark war.

Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk were obviously big fans as boys.

Huge respect to Drax's girlfriend who is the most relaxed woman in the history of time. "I've met a new man and he's taking me to space, this is fine".

This is classic retro Bond where women are props and there's some light racism chucked in for good measure.

Sample dialogue: "My name is Bond, James Bond. I'm looking for Dr Goodhead." "You just found her," replies Holly Goodhead.

Bond is astonished: "A woman".

The movie opens with Bond shagging and it finishes as he began.

There is no moon in Moonraker and that is my only criticism.

For Your Eyes Only (1981) 4/10

Bond is still sad about Tracy!

This is a literal bump back to earth after the fever dream of Moonraker.

Bond is back to frightening the fishes: he and Melina Havelock have locked their bits together underwater. He also bangs Countess Lisl, who is in the 50% who end up dead. There is a particularly brutal kill in this too.

Bond goes to visit the grave of Poor Tracy.

Blofeld is back, he's in a wheelchair and he's raging. He doesn't have long to stay mad as Bond kills him by dropping him out of a helicopter and down an industrial chimney stack. Don't worry if you're sad at the loss of Blofeld because he'll be inexplicably killed again in later movies.

Octopussy (1983) 5/10

Bond is a gorilla!

They're not even pretending to be serious now. Bond sleeps with the titular Octopussy and is also robbed of a Faberge egg when he sleeps with a woman called Magda who shows him her "little Octopussy" (it's a tattoo).

We start in Cuba and then we're in Russia and then there's a spy dressed as a clown staggering about fatally wounded in West Berlin. Hang on to your hats because we're about to head off on a TukTuk ride in India.

But, wait for it, Octopussy is the leader of a cult of women with blue octopuses tattooed on their - no, not there - on their bums. It's a sort of smuggling gang but they are all trained to do circus tricks.

Right, there's a circus train and also an atomic bomb. Roger Moore is dressed as a gorilla. I'm having a nice time but this is nuts.

Never Say Never Again (1983) 4/10

Bond should have said never!

A film title demonstrating the importance of clear punctuation. It should be "Never. Say, 'Never again'." Words someone should have said to Sean Connery.

Connery lumbers through this with all the charisma of an empty gorilla suit. There are even digs about MI6 being underfunded and understaffed, as though they might ballot for strike action any minute. You don't want your action movies with a side order of civil servants whinging.

A View to a Kill (1985) 3/10

A horse on drugs!

There is a horse on drugs and a blimp and some kind of plan to blow up the San Andreas Fault. Bond accidentally gets the blimp stuck on the Golden Gate Bridge. I maintain there are not enough blimps in film.

I count that Bond sleeps with an average of three women per movie. By my reckoning, A View to a Kill is the first time he breaks that barrier and hits four. Lads, lads, lads.

Roger Moore dials back the acting in this one but his character ramps up the shagging.

There's all sorts of questionable racial stereotypes in the character of May Day, who more shags Bond than he shags her. He also takes advantage of five days on board a motorised iceberg travelling from Siberia to Alaska to sleep with a young spy sent to help him.

He gets down and dirty in a San Francisco bathhouse with Pola Ivanova and is watched by a robot dog as he has sex with Stacey Sutton in a shower.

The Herald:

The Living Daylights (1987) 5/10

Bond toboggans on a Stradivarius!

There is nothing else you need to know about this movie.

Oh alright. Bond shags a complete rando after landing on her yacht. And he tries and fails to sleep with Kara Milovy on a ferris wheel before finally sealing the deal in Afghanistan.

License to Kill (1989) 4/10

Bond goes rogue!

Bond is reigning himself in during the late 1980s but perhaps it's the AIDS crisis giving him/the scriptwriters pause.

He gets off with Pam Bouvier when their speedboat runs out of petrol and he beds Lupe in the main villain's guest bedroom.

Benicio del Toro is a henchman.

GoldenEye (1995) 6/10

Bond is back!

I am very grateful to the copyright wrangling that caused a six-year hiatus in making these movies. I am reaching a cliff edge now and there are *checks notes* still eight million left to go.

Yeah, yeah, here's Pierce Brosnan and yeah, sure, he's virile and charming and fills out those suits. BUT HERE'S JUDI DENCH and she's got some lines, man.

She opens by calling Bond a "sexist, misogynist dinosaur" and we can all have a wee whoop at the screen.

Bond is chastened under Dame Judi's gaze and forms a bit of a relationship with his one and only squeeze in this movie, Natalya Simonova.

There is a sense that there will still be outlandish plot lines but things are going to be a lot less silly - and a lot less fun - from here on in.

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) 4/10

There's no news like bad news!

I was wondering how I missed this at the time but I would have been going to see Leonardi diCaprio in Titanic on repeat that year.

This seems to be taking a pop at Rupert Murdoch and his Chinese expansionist plans. Bond is at Oxford University having sex with Inga Bergstrom for reasons the scriptwriters feel no need to explain.

Oh, now he's in Hamburg having his shoulder bitten by Paris Carver. Nice to see you again, Paris. In a further sign of Bond moving with the times, he utterly fails to make the obvious pun when shagging Wai Lin sopping wet in the South China Sea.

In my notes I have written: "Yet again the Navy is using tax payer funded resources to search for him and he's off shagging." The innuendo about pumping and balls is dire.

The World Is Not Enough (1999) 5/10

Q is retiring!

It's nearly a new millenium and yet the Bond women are still being given names like ... Warmflash. Two thirds of Bond's conquests in this movie are doctors. Dr Molly Warmflash gives 007 a quick once over in the examination room before he returns the favour.

He takes Elektra King to bed. And Pierce Brosnan has brought the puns back. "I thought Christmas only comes once a year," he says after shagging Dr Christmas Jones.

At the time, Denise Richards's performance as Dr Jones caused consternation due to her playing a nuclear physicist wearing shorts.

The bad guys make this feel dated: Robert Carlyle, Robbie Coltrane and Goldie. What a blast from the past.

Die Another Day (2002) 5/10

What the heck!

Bond surfs into North Korea, hijacks a helicopter, rides a hovercraft, is captured and tortured for a year, faces a heart attack and leaps from a boat into the South China Sea. All within about 25 minutes.

Absolutely no mucking about here. And then James is in Cuba again - sick of the sight of the place - and shags Jinx, who appears from the sea in a bikini and eats fruit with a paring knife, and Miranda Frost, who won a gold medal at the Sydney Olympics but only because the real gold medalist was drugged. The woman are beginning to have skills and hinterlands that don't involve them being sex trafficked. About damn time.

There is a sonic agitator ring, an ice palace and a geodesic dome. No, I don't know either. There's a reference to concern about global warming.

Miranda ends up in the dead 50% and Bond seems genuinely sad. Madonna is in this film and there is an invisible car. Overall, terrible.

Casino Royale (2006) 5/10

Bond goes woke!

A first outing for Daniel Craig as a newly inducted 007. The blue budgie smugglers! The first "woke" James Bond!

James meets the love of his life, Vesper Lynd. He loves her so much that he manages to sleep with her even though he's just been cracked near-fatally in a place no man wants to be cracked.

He's no George Lazenby but Craig is good Bond - cruel and cool. Sympathy with Bond here as he navigates Miami International. Truly the worst airport.

Quantum of Solace (2008) 5/10

No one knows what it means!

Bond is trying to nurse a broken heart and, as such, this film is as lacklustre as we all feel after a personal tragedy.

This is basically a film about crashing modes of transport into other modes of transport but given a baffling name to keep viewers wondering. Strawberry Fields sleeps with Bond after he asks her to look for some stationery. Astonishing stuff.

Skyfall (2012) 4/10

Judi Dench is weirdly erotic as M!

This, with regards the female characters, feels like an unwelcome blast from the past. We have the unnamed Beach Girl and then James targetting Severine after discovering she had been sex trafficked since childhood. He sneaks up on her in the shower, a piteous throwback to previous films.

He also watches her be killed and seems to bother not a jot about it. It's all about Bond being emotionally tortured and that.

But we have Judi Dench absolutely banging as M. The Bond Girl to end all Bond Girls. This is her movie.

Bond drinks a scorpion.

Spectre (2015) 6/10

Bond meets his match!

Madeleine Swann almost makes James forget the tragedy of losing Vesper Lynd as they have sex in a train. He also sleeps with the widow of someone he killed, which seems like it must go against the spy boys code of conduct.

This is the first outing for director Sam Mendes and it's a barnstormer. Ben Whishaw steals the show as Q. There is still some nonsense but it's palatable nonsense rather than Bond-in-space nonsense.

No Time to Die (2021) 6/10

Bond gets dead!

This film never ends. Stars died and planets were formed during the watching of this movie. Bond is in Cuba again. The tiny swimming trunks are bad.

Bond is a dad. MI6 did not know about the existence of the child, which perhaps suggests some CPD is required.

Assassins try to kill Bond by blowing up his dead love's grave as he mourns at it.

Rami Malek's villain doesn't seem to have any obvious purpose for his bad-guy scheme. Q has an unbelievable knowledge of bio-weapons no one knew existed.

We have gone from female characters called names like Pussy Wantsit to a spy trying work through generational trauma. But he never gets closure because he's blown up instead.

Bond is dead. Long live Bond.