On a random day of Christmas my true love sent to me: five Scottish homes, four blinged-up reindeer, three excitable judges, two scavenged garlands - and a proud winner with a trophy.
It can only be Scotland’s Christmas Home of the Year, that annual salute to the country’s inner Liberace (or Beyonce for any Gen Z-ers out there).
This year BBC Scotland provided an extra present in new judge Danny Campbell, an architect. Young Danny went for the bold sartorial choice of tartan trousers for his big debut, despite knowing he would have to walk the streets of Glasgow at some point.
Back for another jaunt around Scotland were interior designers Banjo Beale and Anna Campbell-Jones, the latter now the programme’s resident grand dame complete with listed building status.
As is traditional, the judges set out what they were after in a winner. Anna was looking for “eclectic, eccentric decorative drama but with a sustainable soul.” Oddly enough, that was just what I said to the shop assistant in the Dobbies Christmas shop the other day.
READ MORE Scotland's Christmas Home of the Year, the finalists
Not to be outdone was Danny and his desire for “a space that’s able to adapt to different festive moments, with a sprinkling of magic from the owners’ inner child”. He’ll go far in this game will Danny.
Into the mini van they went, Danny occupying the back seat like some giant toddler with an Elvis amount of hair while Banjo and Anna led the way in a festive singalong. That pair are as tight as two coats of Farrow & Ball.
First stop was Glasgow’s west end, then Auchterarder, Edinburgh, East Renfrewshire and Greenock. I hate to think what the final fare was, including boundary charges. Every home visited looked fabulous. A few wouldn’t disgrace the country’s finest hotels, while others were rustic spaces meant for coorying in and eating your body weight in Celebrations.
Everyone was lovely, the judges most of all. Niceness is the USP of SCHOTY. The likes of David Walliams are definitely not welcome here, as was set out in a law passed by the Scottish Parliament (Alister Jack allowing). It is just a half hour of escapism - an hour for the Christmas special - that allows the rest of us to dream of hooses not covered in dog hair and damp stains.
READ MORE The home that drew gasps from judges
There was one incident in the final that could have left a scar, and that was when Banjo accidentally sat on the big gold star that marks a favourite spot. His scream was borderline blood-curdling. In the same house there was a bed with an anaconda-sized garland on it that you would not want to encounter unawares on a dark night. “Garlanding the bed?” said Anna. “That’s new.”
This year there was a side competition to see who could cram in as many Christmas trees as possible. Beit al Milad in Auchterarder won easily with its 30-plus specimens, including several that were upside down. Some homes had dogs, others were cat people. In one house there was a “multipoo” (Maltese plus poodle) by the name of Coco Bella Chanel. My notes say “makes own crackers”, which I think refers to the lady of the house rather than Coco, though you never know on SHOTY.
Read more: Bay Tree House is Scotland's Christmas Home of the Year
As usual the judges became over-excited too early, and top scores were sprayed around like fake snow. But there was a surprise in store. On first sight of the 1880s apartment in Greenock I fancied that as the winner. The former courthouse conversion was understated and classy, with its gorgeous oak panelling, high ceilings and 12ft Christmas tree in the sitting room.
The judges gathered for the deliberation session and the prize went to Bay Tree House in Edinburgh, a cheery, colourful, welcoming family home filled with charming bits and bobs the family had made themselves. The family that crafts together wins SCHOTY together.
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The owners were chuffed to win, Danny had made a successful debut, Aussie-Scot Banjo, half man-half koala, dispensed hugs to all, and Anna kept everything running smoothly. Job done.
If I had one Christmas wish for SHOTY it would be for a celebrity version. C’mon, who wouldn’t want a tour round Frankie Boyle’s gaff, or find out if Judith Ralston keeps a tidy linen closet? Some footballer’s other half must be persuadable, and I hear Tam Cowan and Stuart Cosgrove really do live together like Felix and Oscar. We’ll keep you posted.
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