Searching for a Labour leader, by any other name

While one appreciates the trio (FYI Ed, their names are Ken Macintosh MSP, Johann Lamont MSP and Tom Harris MP), are not exactly household names, it has come to something when your own leader draws a blank on your identity.

It was all a silly oversight, as Mr Miliband said when he telephoned Mr Macintosh, the man whose name he couldn’t recall, to apologise. Clearly a good if forgettable sport, the member for Eastwood laughed off the incident, saying it showed that politicians were human. Newsflash.

Rallying valiantly, he added: “What really caught my attention about the interview is that, like me, Ed’s making a strong and positive case for Scotland to remain in the UK.” Funny, what really caught our attention is his apparent cluelessness about what is going on in Scotland.

At least Scottish Labour doesn’t have to worry about dumping Mr Miliband as its head. He won’t even notice. Indeed, with this kind of light touch regulation Scottish Labour could have been running rampant for years, blithely taking no notice of the Grand Canyon-like gap developing between themselves and the electorate till the point where they were slaughtered at the polls. As if that would ever happen.

It has been a tough week for Mr Miliband. He had the unenviable task of introducing himself to the country, again, unsafe it the knowledge that while the public might be warming to his party, the majority don’t see him as prime ministerial material. Even Nick Clegg is deemed to be doing a better job.

Three years away from a General Election, the Labour leader’s conference address was never going to be a detailed plan for government. This was a setting out of the stall, much in the way someone might advertise themselves in a lonely hearts ad. So what did it tell us about the man who wants to be First Lord of the Treasury?

First, that those claims about a GSOH were much exaggerated. His jokes were of a quality that would have caused a London riot in the Glasgow Pavilion. That one about his deviated septum needing repositioning? Possibly went down a storm with the ENT specialists in the house. A sense of humour isn’t essential in a political leader, but it does help to distinguish you from Iain Duncan Smith.

Mr Miliband’s dating statement also revealed that he has issues with his identity. He was not, he wanted us to know, Tony Blair. That prompted some of the lads and lassies in the hall to cheer. (What a disloyal lot: would any Tory treat that other triple election winner, Margaret Thatcher, this way?) Nor was Mr Miliband laying claim to be Gordon Brown. “I’m my own man.” Bankrolled by the unions, put in power by the unions, but his own man all the same.

Next to the heart of his statement, his unique selling point, the pitch that would make the average voter want to set up a date. With scorn in his voice, Mr Miliband duly attacked the “something for nothing” culture and those who want to “fill their boots”.

This section was somewhat unfortunate in a week when Mr Blair’s vast and growing fortune was investigated by Channel 4’s Dispatches. On the whole, you don’t see many ex-Labour MPs or ministers down the Jobcentre, unless they’ve recently left one of Her Majesty’s bed and breakfast establishments.

This was not what Mr Miliband meant, of course. He wanted to distinguish between good business and bad, the producers who made things and invested in people, and the predators, who set upon businesses like velociraptors. But warm words aside, it wasn’t clear how he would distinguish between these saints and sinners of capitalism.

Who is Mr Miliband, a politico all his working life, to sit in judgment on business? Does the average person care too much about the nuts and bolts of a firm as long as no law is being broken and the wages appear in the bank every month? And if a Labour government penalises one part of a business for behaving badly, will it step in if jobs are lost in another part, another country, in consequence?

Mr Miliband speaks of the economy as if it was a village of shops where nice Mr Butcher could be rewarded while nasty Mr Baker is punished for pulling his money out of Mr Candlestick Maker’s business too soon. That’s Camberwick Green, not the 24/365 behemoth that is the global economy.

After the last few years there are many who think unfettered capitalism could do with a kick up the margins. Years from an election or not, to be taken seriously Mr Miliband will need to do better than think out loud about how this might be done.

So there we have it. From his dating profile/conference speech we learned that he was a dreamer, doesn’t have much in the way of a sense of humour and is a stranger to irony to boot. Oh, and he’s also a tightwad, saying he won’t reverse “many” of the cuts the Coalition is making. If the nation went on a date with this man would we want to see each other again?

Mr Miliband’s finest moments in Liverpool this week did not come during his leader’s speech, which sounded like a box-ticking exercise carried out by a committee. He was at his best when the conference doors were opened to the public to ask questions. Although it was difficult to tell who was a Labour Party cyborg and who was an ordinary punter (and how ordinary are you if asking Mr Miliband questions is your idea of a night out?), he came across as, dare one say it, normal.

Experiencing amnesia on BBC Scotland wasn’t his only awkward moment in the media this week. He was asked, on the Today programme, if it mattered whether people thought him “weird”. Just to be on the receiving end of such a question is a bad sign of what lies ahead for Mr Miliband. It all matters, from knowing who wants to lead the party in Scotland to spelling out precisely how you will govern business. After all, if it was that easy being Labour leader, Whatshisname would have got the job.