WHO would have thought the civilised Dutch would ask rail passengers to pee in a poke.

One in six commuter trains do not have toilets. The onboard medical kits contain plastic bags for emergencies.

Why no toilets on those trains, I hear you ask from the second-class carriage?

Because there is a stop every five minutes. Which is OK if it’s your station or if the driver will haud oan while you have a jimmy.

I don’t know what the Dutch is for haud oan while you have a jimmy. But “Terwijl de trein is in het station alstublieft afzien van urination” means “while the train is in the station, please refrain from urination”. At least according to the Babylon translation tool (no pun intended).

Let us not make light of being caught short. It’s alright for those who can micturate like a horse and do so at will. Older readers may already have a p1shin pill as well as a passion pill in their portfolio of medicaments.

But let’s get back to Netherlanders in need. It is not just any plastic receptacle. They call it a “wee bag”. Not sure if that means toatie or wee as in urine.

The bag is attached to a spout and contains a powder that turns into a gel. It is non-toxic, odourless, and spill-proof. Bet Gerard Depardieu wishes he had had one on that airplane recently.

The manufacturer, a company called Travel John, says the device has a “unisex plastic collar for easy handling”. Let’s not go into more detail. Except for the bit where you go back to your seat and fellow travellers ask where you got that bag of gel.

These wee bags would have come in handy in the days when some Glaswegians were wont to urinate willy-nilly. In telephone boxes. Or up a close, which was a common reason for an appearance at the district court.

Even more common, in both senses of the word, was taking a leak into a McEwan’s Pale Ale tin at a football match. The contents inevitably spilled on to the terracing. Anyone who complained was asked: “Whit’s wrang wi you? Ur yir boots lettin in?”

* The author is aware some terminology used in this article may be deemed indelicate, but asks readers in this instance just to go with the flow.