GREAT news for insomniacs: it’s only one more sleep until Christmas.

In a league of her own
ROBERT McMillan, of Paisley, was watching the BBC news last Sunday when the subtitles suddenly declared: “In this afternoon’s SPL game, Celtic beat Sue Johnston 2-0.” Observes our correspondent: “Sue is an excellent actress, but I doubt if even she could impersonate a complete football team.”

Lying about cheese
A GREENOCK reader goes into a local supermarket to buy fruit for his daughter and asks an employee where he could find the lychees. Picture his face when he was told: “All the cheese is in the dairy cabinet, over there.”

Trains of thought
POSITIVELY the last word (until someone else writes in) on slogans  for our much-loved national train company in the wake of the student/Big Man video. David Donaldson suggests:
l Can’t pay, won’t pay? Oan yir way!
l Students – try our free mystery tours.
l To travel ticketless is better than  to arrive.

Name down the drain  
TRADESMAN’S names, continued: Norman McLean says that Hugh Young, a well-known plumber in  Paisley, was succeeded by his son, young Hugh – who was subsequently known as Young Hugh Young, the Chinese Plumber.
Then there’s this, from Iain Keay, about a transport company involved in hauling sewage sludge. In bold lettering on the side of its tankers was “No. 1 in the No. 2 Business” – until some sensitive soul complained to officialdom, and the words were removed.
He’s not the Messiah ...
CHILDREN’S names: Isabel Grieve swears this happened.
A heath visitor in Barrhead met a mother and her large family in the shopping area and quickly noticed that the family was about to become even larger.
“Mary,” she says, “you’ll be running out of names!” Replies Mary: “Oh  no, if it’s born at Christmas, we’ll call him Jesus!”

Fallen on card times
TIM Malseed was walking down  Glasgow’s Mitchell Lane when he glimpsed a Big Issue seller scrawling on pieces of paper.
As Tim drew closer he saw that the man was writing Christmas cards, and had a little pile assembled  beside him.
“I stopped and gave him a couple of quid, saying he could get himself a few stamps. Instead he told me the cards were for his regular customers who have been buying copies of the Big Issue year. A reassuringly warm gesture from a man society has left out in the cold.”
Any other heart-warming festive tales out there?

The message that counts
OLD jokes’ home. Graham Shaw tells us about the two wee Glasgow women overheard at a bus stop, moaning about the poor selection of Christmas cards in the shops. Says one: “I’ve searched high and low for a card for my friends but just can’t find a joint card – they all say ‘Merry Christmas to you’, not ‘youse’.”