So I have been having these violent sneezing episodes," I tell the doctor.
"And …"
"And you have a persistent cough," the doctor interrupts to tell me. "And a wheeze. And a nasal drip …"
She proceeds to list all my symptoms, like she is Derren Brown (1) and she is "reading" my mind. I am almost expecting her to produce a letter she posted to herself a week ago with said list of my symptoms, as well as everything I have had for dinner every night for the last seven days.
"Have you got a new animal in the house?" she asks.
"We've got cats," I say, after I stop thinking of the Quorn curry we had last night.
"Well, you're allergic to them."
"But we've had the cats for more than a year. I have only been sneezing for a month or two."
"It happens. Growing up we always had horses. I only became allergic to them in my thirties."
"Is there a remedy?"
"Yes. You can get rid of them."
"I don't think that's going to happen. I think my family would be more likely to get rid of me than the cats."
I go home. I tell J and daughters number one and two what the doctor suggested. They think I am joking. Or, more accurately, they don't take me seriously (2). It is as I feared. They believe the cats are now more central to the wellbeing of the family than I am.
Every night daughter number one comes home and cuddles the cats, telling them how beautiful they are. There is no such love and attention directed towards me, even though - now that I can't shave because of this bloody broken wrist - I am nearly as furry as the cats.
My daughters are learning to live without my input. Now that I am no longer capable of being a designated driver I serve no purpose for them anyway. The cats have the advantage of being both aesthetically pleasing and being mobile hot-water bottles.
Not that I have time to worry about any of this. I am too busy trying to keep the cats out of the bedroom. I can put up with the sneezing and the coughing as long as they do not interrupt my sleep.
The cats, though, have spotted a weakness. Suddenly they are all over me. I can't sit down for one of them jumping into my lap. I'm sure I have spotted them sharing conspiratorial looks with each other. "Your turn" is the subtext.
I have a vision of myself 10 years from now, living in a shed out the back, looking at the house I used to live in. The cats are looking back.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article